Pretty Baby
by Kay9
Summary: After many years of anguish, Jess Mariano has finally repaired his shattered heart. But now, the one person that can destroy everything he has worked so to hard fix is coming to town....R/J
1. i fall for you

I don't own any of these characters, sadly they all belong to the WB. The song belongs to Vanessa Carlton.  
  
Pretty Baby  
  
By Kay  
  
  
  
i fall for you  
  
  
  
White.  
  
Everything was so white.  
  
Could she really do this? Was it right?  
  
Yes, she had made her decision and now she was going to stick with it.  
  
Why was everything so God damn white? They could've tried to make it a little more cheerful.  
  
Her cheeks were wet as she passed through the doors and into the bleak room. I wish you were here, she thought of her husband.  
  
But he couldn't be with her; he didn't even know that she was here. And he would never know. He would never forgive her.  
  
Could she even forgive herself?  
  
**AN: Sorry this chapter is so short, I just wanted it to be on its own. I really hope you like this story!! I've been working on it since July and I've really enjoyed it too. I have written Trory stories before, but somehow R/J fics always come out better for me. I always like the way they turn out. Anyway, hope you like Pretty Baby, and PLEASE review!!!!! 


	2. you lay me down

Three Years Later . . .  
you lay me down  
"What's another theme?" He asked his students who all stared blankly back at him. "Anyone?"  
  
A girl in the back with long, brown hair slowly raised her hand.  
  
"Sara, thank you."  
  
"Um, blacks verses whites." She looked up at him thoughtfully. "Racism."  
  
"Yes, very good." He leaned against his desk, pushing up the sleeves of his shirt. "Can you elaborate?"  
  
"Well, Tom Robinson would never had been found guilty had he been white. With the evidence that Atticus gave it was obvious that he did not commit the crime. But given the fact that he was black, the jury found him guilty." Sara pushed a lock of hair behind her ear.  
  
"Precisely." The teacher nodded, "Can anyone else give another source of prejudice in 'To Kill A Mockingbird'?"  
  
But before anyone else could answer the bell rang causing the students to scramble out of their desks and scurry out of the room.  
  
"Don't forget to reread the last two chapters for tomorrow's test!" He called after them. He went behind his desk and began shuffling through papers looking for a copy of tomorrows test. "Mr. Mariano?"  
  
He looked up to see Sara Watson staring back at him. 'What can I do for you Sara?"  
  
"Would you mind recommending me some more books?" She asked him shyly.  
  
He raised his eyebrows, "You already finished the last list I gave to you?"  
  
She nodded her head eagerly, "Oh yes, and they were very good. All of them, that's why I'd like another."  
  
"Okay, just as long as these books aren't getting in the way of studying for other subjects."  
  
Her eyes widened in surprise, "Oh, no! They're not at all. I study before I read."  
  
He smiled, "I believe you." He continued shuffling through the papers, where was that test? "Okay, how does this sound? I'll make up a list of books and give it to you tomorrow."  
  
She grinned and said enthusiastically, "That would be great! Thanks Mr. Mariano!" She left the room practically skipping.  
  
He stared at her retreating form. She reminded him of someone he once knew. So innocent to life. So eager to take on a new challenge, smart, pretty, and full of life.  
  
He didn't know that person anymore.  
  
He sighed as he put his papers together, one of them fell to the floor. He picked it up. The test! He had to redo it so it pertained to the discussion they had today. He made his way to the school's faculty computer room.  
  
Two hours later he was unlocking the door to his apartment. He cursed as he stumbled with the lock, he could hear the phone ringing inside.  
  
Once inside he grabbed the phone. "Yeah?" he said into the receiver breathlessly. He listened, "What is it?...Just tell me!"  
  
He listened intently to the speaker, his face paling.  
  
The phone clattered to the floor.  
  
* * *  
  
Jess felt dizzy, he sat down on a kitchen chair. Was this really happening? He recalled the conversation he just had.  
  
"Jess, there's something I have to tell you." Luke's voice had called through the phone. His usually gruffness had turned to sympathy.  
  
"What is it?" Jess had asked.  
  
"You're not gunna like it."  
  
"Just tell me!" Jess had become impatient.  
  
"Do you remember Ryan? Ryan Foster? Her boyfriend. Well, he's not her boyfriend anymore."  
  
Jess's heart had leapt  
  
"He's her fiancé."  
  
That's when he had dropped the phone.  
  
It was still there; on the floor. Luke had probably hung up now, knowing that he didn't want to speak with anyone.  
  
For the first time in years, Jess put his head in his hands and cried.  
  
* * *  
  
Hours later Jess dialed Luke's number.  
  
"Yeah?" Jess heard Luke's voice once again through the phone.  
  
"Luke."  
  
"Hey Jess, how are you holding up?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Jess, it's okay to be upset. I mean you two were so . . ."  
  
Jess cut him off before he could finish, "Luke, I'm FINE."  
  
He heard him sigh, "Okay."  
  
"I'm sure Lorelai's happy."  
  
"Well, yeah I guess she is."  
  
"Of course."  
  
Another sigh, "Jess, Ryan's a good man."  
  
"And I wasn't?"  
  
"Let's not do this."  
  
This time the sigh came from him, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's just kind of . . ." Jess searched for the right words.  
  
"A shock?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I just wanted you to find out from me."  
  
"Who else would I have found out from?"  
  
"Her."  
  
"Her?"  
  
"She's coming over to settle everything out."  
  
"Shit." Jess squeezed his eyes shut. He knew exactly what Luke was talking about.  
  
"That's why I called."  
  
"Thanks so much for the warning." He rubbed his temples, he really needed an aspirin.  
  
"Your sure your okay? Do you need anything?"  
  
"No, I'm good." Or a Tylenol, that would work too.  
  
"Okay, just call me if you need anything."  
  
"Alright." Maybe twenty, yeah that sounded good. Twenty Tylenol's would stop the hurt.  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
As Jess hung up the phone, he knew the Tylenol wouldn't help. They can't repair shattered hearts.  
  
But he'd take some anyway, it couldn't hurt.  
  
* * *  
  
Jess sat down heavily in his desk chair. Another day gone by. It was finally the weekend, thank God for that. He just wanted to go home.  
  
His eyelids began to droop. Or maybe he would just stay here for awhile and rest his eyes. The students were gone, what did it matter. He hadn't gotten any sleep last night.  
  
Wonder why?  
  
A knock at his door made him jump.  
  
"Mr. Mariano? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything."  
  
Sara was standing shyly in the doorway.  
  
"Hey Sara, you didn't interrupt anything, don't worry." He stood up warily. "What can I do for you?"  
  
She walked slowly into the room, "Um, I was just wondering if you had made that list for me." She bit her lip.  
  
Jess stared at her in confusion for a moment and then it dawned on him. He had forgotten! He balled his fists in rage. He never forgot his students. How could she have this effect on him? "I completely forgot, I'm sorry Sara."  
  
Disappointment flooded into her eyes but she said, "That's okay."  
  
"No, it's not okay. I should have remembered." Jess shook his head angrily. Why couldn't he stop thinking of her? And him? What was he like anyway?  
  
"No, really. It's not a big deal. I'll just ask the librarian to recommend me some." Sara shrugged her shoulders.  
  
Jess raised his eyebrows, "Who, Mrs. Harper? She'll give you some cheesy romance novels." He grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. "I'll write a couple down for you to read this weekend, and then give you a larger list on Monday. Sound okay?"  
  
The grin returned to her face, "Yeah, that'd be great!"  
  
Jess jotted down a couple of titles and handed it to her, "There ya go."  
  
"Thanks Mr. Mariano!" She began to walk out of the room.  
  
An idea crept into Jess's mind, "Hey Sara."  
  
She turned. "Have you ever read 'Oliver Twist'?"  
  
She shook her head, "No."  
  
"It was a favorite of mine in high school, you should read it." He smiled.  
  
She nodded, "Okay. Dickens right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Alright, thanks again Mr. Mariano!"  
  
"Have a nice weekend Sara." Jess said as he watched her go.  
  
Again Jess slumped heavily in his chair. Now why had he gone and done that?  
  
A memory hurtled into his mind, he tried to push it back.  
  
It didn't work.  
*Flashback*  
  
He tapped on her window again. Was she deaf?  
  
He peeked through. She was reading; well that explains it. This time when he banged on her window she looked up.  
  
Rory walked over to the window and opened it. "What are you doing here so late?" She scolded, but she was smiling.  
  
He loved her smile, "To see you, what else?" He asked. But before she could answer his lips had found hers.  
  
Rory broke away breathlessly, "You're still outside."  
  
"Hmmm, good point." He climbed through the window. His arms came around her and once again their lips met in a frenzy. He had never felt anything so soft. Hs lips moved to her neck and then to her collar bone.  
  
They backed up to the bed, Rory climbed onto it.  
  
A fevered cry from Rory ended their tongue entanglement. "Ouch!"  
  
"What is it?" Jess asked..  
  
Rory produced a book from beneath her.  
  
Jess rolled his eyes, "You and your books."  
  
"Actually it's yours." Rory showed it to him, it read 'Oliver Twist'.  
  
"You stole my book?" "I did not!" Rory said indignantly. "I didn't have anything to read so I went over to the diner. You weren't there so Luke just told me to go up and take something. So I did. I just borrowed it without asking."  
  
"I thought you had a copy." "I'm making Lane read it."  
  
"So you take mine, huh?" Jess said.  
  
"Well . . .yeah." Rory licked her lips. "Enough talk." She leaned into him.  
  
This time it was Jess that broke away, "Where's your Mom?" His eyes scanned the room.  
  
Rory giggled nervously, "She's not in here. She has the late shift at the inn tonight."  
  
"Well, in that case . . ." He found her lips once again.  
*Present*  
Grief washed over Jess, but a smile still played on his lips. He missed those days; when everything was so easy and innocent. Of course, in high school they had never done anything more then make out. She would never allow anything else.  
  
But he didn't want to think of her anymore today.  
  
An hour later Jess finally left the school. Instead of going home, he made his way to the Pennington public library. He lived in a small town close to New York City, only about three hours from Stars Hollow. Not that he ever went anyway, he wasn't exactly welcome there. Luke usually came to visit him.  
  
Jess entered the library and selected a few choice books. Making sure then none would remind him of her. He went to the check out counter, Mrs. Harper was there. She was the kindly, old librarian with large glasses and pure white hair.  
  
"Hey, Mrs. Harper." He laid his books down on the desk.  
  
"Hello dear, how are you?" She asked.  
  
"Just fine." He lied. "And yourself?"  
  
"Oh, I'm doing just wonderful. You just missed one of your students." She began checking out his books.  
  
"Sara Watson?" He asked.  
  
"Why yes! How did you know?" She said wonderingly.  
  
"I just gave her a list of books to get, I figured she'd come straight here." He shrugged.  
  
"Well, I tried to recommend her a few of my own favorites, but she said she was all set. She sure did have a lot of books." Mrs. Harper straightened her glasses.  
  
"She's definitely a reader."  
  
Mrs. Harper handed him his books, "Yes she is. These are due back in two weeks."  
  
"Thanks Mrs. Harper. Have a nice weekend." He made his way out of the library.  
  
"You too dear!" She called to his retreating form.  
  
But Jess didn't think he was going to have a very nice weekend.  
  
Mrs. Harper watched Jess through the library window as he drove off in his car. Such a nice man! How he didn't have a wife yet was beyond her.  
  
Too bad she wasn't a little younger.  
  
Something had been troubling him today. But what was it?  
  
* * *  
  
The next day Jess rolled a shopping cart down an aisle of cereal. He grabbed Froot Loops from the shelf. Luke would think him an utter failure.  
  
He was about to turn into another aisle when a voice calling him from behind made him stop. He groaned inwardly. Why now?  
  
"Jess, honey!" A large woman wearing a flowery dress came bustling down the aisle. "Fancy meeting you here!"  
  
Jess smiled, "This is where I buy my food. You too?"  
  
She blushed, "Oh, Jess! You're such a kidder!"  
  
"Mmm, yeah." Jess watched as Mrs. Hanover went into one of her long greetings, he answered only when he had to. She was a real sweet lady but she was always trying to match him up with someone. Her intentions were good he supposed. But her taste wasn't.  
  
"Katie just loves your class!" She began speaking of her granddaughter that was in Jess's class. "She says it's her favorite!"  
  
"I'm glad. She's a very good student." Jess said truthfully.  
  
"I'm just so proud of her!" She cried. "Well, anyway I'm so glad I caught you!"  
  
Oh no, here it comes!  
  
"Do you know my friend Mrs. Carder?" When Jess nodded she continued, "Well, her daughter is visiting for a few weeks, and she's just a beauty! I thought we could match you two up!"  
  
"I don't know Mrs. Hanover." Jess said. No way was he going on a blind date.  
  
"Oh, come now! It will be great fun!" Mrs. Hanover glowed at the idea of finally getting Jess a woman. He'd been single for much too long now! "We can set it all up for tomorrow night! You're not doing anything tomorrow night are you?"  
  
"Well, no . . ." Jess trailed off. Why shouldn't he go on a date? What was there to lose? She had already found someone else. Why couldn't he? "You know what? I will."  
  
Her eyes widened in surprised, "Oh wonderful!" She was so excited! Finally, she, the matchmaker of the town was getting the bachelor of the town a date! She couldn't wait to spread the word! "I'll call you later with all the information!"  
  
"Okay." Was he really doing this? Oh jeez, he couldn't believe he had actually agreed to go on a date. Much less a blind date. What was this world coming to?  
  
**AN: I hope you like it!! More is coming very soon, review!!!!! 


	3. stumbling on reasons

AN: Okay, just to let you know, Jess and Rory are thirty three at the moment. Sorry I didn't mention it before but it will come up in future chapters. Anyway, enjoy! And review!!!  
  
  
  
stumbling on reasons  
  
  
  
Jess sat at the table nervously, waiting. He still couldn't believe he had actually agreed to do this.  
  
He had never been on a blind date. He didn't really know what to expect.  
  
But then again, he hadn't even been on a 'date' in three years. He thought about the last one he'd been on, it hadn't been very nice.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Jess sat at the table, waiting. Where was she? She was supposed to be here ages ago, well a half an hour ago anyway. She was never late. Or hadn't been before . . .  
  
A flustered Rory sat down on the chair across from him, "Sorry I'm late."  
  
He sighed, "Where were you Rory?" He noticed the bags forming beneath her eyes, she hadn't gotten much sleep lately.  
  
"I had to stay later then I expected." Rory said.  
  
She was lying through her teeth, "No you didn't." He said quietly.  
  
"Yes. I did." She shot back.  
  
Jess looked down and ran his hands through his hair; then looked back up at her, "What's happening to us Rory?"  
  
She only stared at him.  
  
"We've always been honest with each other." He paused thinking of happier times. "Always."  
  
She looked away, he could tell that she was thinking of something else. Or someone else?  
  
The thought made him want to shrivel up and die. Was she really having an affair? He didn't have the courage to ask.  
  
"I hate lying to you." She said finally.  
  
Was he finally reaching her?  
  
"Then why are you?" Jess reached across the table to take her hands. They were foreign and cold to him now.  
  
She shook her head forcing back tears.  
  
Now he was really frustrated, "Why do you keep closing yourself off to me like this?"  
  
He watched a tear slipped down her cheek, she pulled her hands away to wipe it off.  
  
"Did I do something wrong?" He was so afraid that he had hurt her in someway.  
  
Her eyes widened in surprise, "Oh no Jess. You didn't do anything wrong. You never have." She looked away again, her mind else where.  
  
"Then why do this Rory? Why?" He asked persistently. "You won't even let me touch you anymore." He whispered it.  
  
'I just haven't been feeling very well." Rory said staring away from him.  
  
He looked up sharply, "You haven't been feeling well for a month now."  
  
A waiter came to their table but Jess brushed him off, "Give us a minute please."  
  
"What's happening to us?" Jess asked when he left.  
  
Rory only stared blankly at him and shook her head.  
  
"Because I don't know Rory, I just don't know." He leaned towards her, "But I think you do."  
  
She gazed at the table, "I don't know."  
  
"I know you do Rory." He sighed and leaned back, "Things had been going so well. We were starting to make more money, we were even going to buy a better apartment and then . . ." Jess trailed off not wanting to finish his sentence.  
  
"And then I broke down." Rory finished for him.  
  
"Yeah, and then you broke down." Jess repeated her. For the third time that night he asked, "What's happening to us Rory?"  
  
When again she didn't answer he left the table.  
  
*Present*  
  
  
  
A voice across from him tore Jess out of his reverie, "Are you Jess?"  
  
Jess looked up to see a pair of emerald green eyes staring back at him, "Yeah." He stood up and offered his hand. "You must be Julie."  
  
Her eyes sparkled, "That's me, but my friends call me Jules so you can too."  
  
They sat down across from each other. She was beautiful. She had long honey colored hair, a few freckles were sprinkled across her nose and she had deep green eyes.  
  
"I've never been on a blind date before." Jess confessed. "Never have liked to be set up."  
  
Jules laughed, "Neither have I. To tell you the truth I was forced to come."  
  
Jess smiled back, "I was too, in a way anyway. Mrs. Hanover is always trying to set me up, I finally gave in."  
  
"Oh, dear old Mrs. Hanover. She's been the town matchmaker for as long as I can remember." Jules reminisced.  
  
"You've lived here long?" Jess asked.  
  
"My whole life." She answered, "But I've been away at medical school for the past six years. I come to visit as often as possible though."  
  
"That's probably why we've never met. I moved here almost three years ago now." Jess said. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.  
  
"Where'd you live before?" She asked.  
  
"Connecticut, in a small town." Jess didn't really feel like talking about his past but he knew it was going to happen at some point anyway. Maybe that's why he had never dated again.  
  
"Once a small townie, always a small townie." She grinned.  
  
"Yeah, I guess." He didn't mention that he had once lived in the city as a child. And with his wife..  
  
The waitress came then and they ordered their drinks.  
  
"So you want to be a doctor?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah, I have my whole life." Her eyes brightened when she said this.  
  
"What kind of doctor?"  
  
"Definitely a pediatrician." Jules said. "I love kids."  
  
We always wanted kids, Jess thought. And then inwardly kicked himself, don't think about that now! "That's great!" He forced out a smile, all of a sudden he didn't want be here.  
  
"And you're a teacher, right?" Jules took a sip of her wine.  
  
Jess nodded, "I teach English."  
  
"Is it ever frustrating?"  
  
Jess shrugged, "It has its ups and downs, but I love it all the same."  
  
She grinned, "That's great. You're so lucky to have a job that you love."  
  
"You don't think you'll love your job?"  
  
She shook her head, "Oh no, I know I'll love it. But some people just aren't that fortunate."  
  
"Yeah, we're the lucky ones." Jess said. Yeah, real lucky. Right.  
  
An hour later they headed out of the restaurant together laughing and just having a good time overall. Jess was surprised that he had such a good time. He hadn't expected it.  
  
But he didn't feel anything for her. Couldn't really.  
  
On the way to the car Jules stopped him and turned, "Listen Jess. When I said I was forced into this date earlier I was telling the truth."  
  
"I believe you." He said.  
  
"Well, I didn't want to come tonight because I'm sort of seeing someone else." She bit her lip hoping he wasn't upset.  
  
Jess smiled, "Don't worry about it, I'll live."  
  
Jules looked relieved, "I really did have a great time tonight. Let's be friends!" She hooked her arm through his.  
  
Jess laughed, "Okay."  
  
"Did you drive your car here?" Jules asked looking around the parking lot.  
  
"No, actually I walked. I only live about ten minutes away." He shrugged, "I like to walk."  
  
Jules laughed, "I walked too!" She told him where she lived.  
  
"I live right by there, I'll walk you home. We can stop at my apartment on the way there I can I can show you that movie collection I was talking about."  
  
"Great!"  
  
As they walked along their conversation was non stop. It was as if something had clicked, and they had known each other for years.  
  
As they walked by Jess's apartment he said, "This is it." He gestured toward the brick building. "So do you like books?" Jess asked as they made their way into the building.  
  
"Mmm, I read one every now and then. But I have never been much of a reader, I like movies better."  
  
He pushed the button for the elevator, "Well I'm not surprised considering the way you went on and on about the Rocky movies throughout dinner." They entered the elevator when it opened.  
  
"Those movies are absolutely excellent."  
  
"Yeah, all ten million of them." Jess exaggerated but he laughed.  
  
"Hey, there's not THAT many." She said as the elevator doors opened. "There's only . . ." She collided into Jess.  
  
He had stopped dead in his tracks, actually he could barely breath.  
  
"What are ya doing silly?" She asked rubbing her jaw which had come in contact with his shoulder.  
  
Jess stared at her. She was sitting in front of his door with a coffee cup in her hand. A brief case was by her side. She slowly stood up and met his gaze.  
  
"Jess . . ." Jules trailed off when she saw the woman down the hall. They were staring so intently at each other, she looked from one to the other. "Jess," She whispered, "I'll walk myself home."  
  
That finally brought him back to earth, he turned to her. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be fine." She touched his hand, "Don't be a stranger, okay?"  
  
Jess nodded, "Alright, see you later."  
  
Jules went back down the elevator.  
  
Jess walked slowly towards her, he stopped a foot from her.  
  
"Hey Jess." 


	4. comin' round

AN: I would like to apologize for my last chapter which ended up being updated twice. I have no idea how that happened, it was most likely my total crape computer. And I'm sorry I didn't catch it until later or I would have updated sooner. I replaced the one that wasn't supposed to be there with this one. So I hope you enjoy it!!  
  
  
  
comin' round  
  
"How long have you been sitting there?" He asked. Only now did he realize how much he missed those eyes of blue. He drank in her face, recalling every detail.  
  
"About twenty minutes." She shrugged. Her eyes were glued to his.  
  
"I didn't know that you'd be here tonight." Why couldn't he move?  
  
"It was kind of short notice, I called on the way but you weren't home." Rory thought of the blonde beauty she had just seen him with. Jealousy burned within her.  
  
Jess finally tore his gaze away from hers, "I was out." He unlocked his apartment. "Would you like to come in?"  
  
"Please." Rory followed him inside. Her heart was beating so hard against her chest she thought that it would surely fly out.  
  
"Would you like anything to drink?" He asked moving into the kitchen. He slowly opened the fridge forcing himself to calm down. The nearness of her was making him crazy.  
  
Rory remembered her coffee, "No, I'm fine thanks." She took a sip of it, the warm liquid helped clear her head. She looked around, "You've got a nice place."  
  
Jess nodded, "Thanks." He sat down on a kitchen chair, he didn't offer her a seat.  
  
She sat down anyway, "Luke tells me you're teaching here."  
  
"Still English, it's great." He took a swig of his coke.  
  
Rory nodded, "I'm really happy for you Jess."  
  
He didn't say anything, happy for him? He didn't need anyone to be happy for him.  
  
"I mean that." She looked up at him. She fidgeted with her coffee cup. "I'm working for a different magazine now, I'm chief editor and I have my own column."  
  
Jess nodded, what was he supposed to say? Wowee? "That's great, I know you wanted that."  
  
"Yeah, I have for a long time." She met his gaze and then looked away. "So how did you find this town?"  
  
Jess set his coke can on the table, "Listen, enough with the small talk. I know why you're here."  
  
"You do." Rory said slowly.  
  
"Just leave the papers." He could barely get the words out. He didn't want the papers, he didn't want them at all. "And then you can leave."  
  
Rory was stung, he didn't even want to see her, much less talk to her. Why would he? A small voice asked in the back of her head. "Okay." She said softly.  
  
Her face was awash with hurt. Jess couldn't stand it, he looked away. The kitchen tile needed a good scrubbing.  
  
She slowly pulled the papers out of her brief case and laid them before him, "I need them as soon as possible if you don't mind." They were white, crisp and clean.  
  
"Well, actually I do mind, but that doesn't matter does it?" He asked harshly. He watched as her eyes filled with tears, oh God. Why did her say that? "I'm sorry Rory. I didn't mean that." His voice was filled with forced remorse.  
  
She shook her head, pushing back tears. 'Yes, you did." She stood up quickly. "I'll go now."  
  
He followed her to the door and opened it for her. "I'll send them." He said.  
  
She nodded, "Goodbye Jess." She stepped through the doorway.  
  
He had to ask.  
  
"Wait," Jess caught her hand. The connection jolted both of them, he pulled his hand away. "Do you love him?" He asked quietly. Did he really want to hear the answer?  
  
Rory looked up at him. How could he ask her that? She bit her lip, "He's a good man Jess. I care for him very much."  
  
Jess nodded, "I am happy for you, Rory." He lied, he wanted to make her feel better.  
  
Rory forced out a small smile and shook her head, "No, you're not Jess. But thanks." Her hand reached out to him but stopped in mid air, it dropped back down to her side.  
  
"Bye Rory."  
  
"Bye Jess." She turned away and slowly walked down the hallway. Half of her wanted to run the rest of the way, just to get away from him. The rest of her wanted to run back to him, and throw her arms around him to apologize a million times to him for being who she was. So she walked away, down the hallway and into the elevator.  
  
Away from her soon to be ex-husband.  
  
AN: Please, please review!! Let me know what you think, good or bad!!!!!!!! 


	5. and then some for you

and then some for you  
  
As soon as Rory got into her car she let out a long sigh. She had finally seen him. That went well.  
  
Yeah, right.  
  
She laid her head and arms on the steering wheel. Don't cry, don't cry. Please, please don't cry.  
  
Rory jumped when her cell phone rang. Shaking, she searched for it frantically in her purse and finally found it at the bottom.  
  
"Hello?" She said warily.  
  
"How'd it go?" Lorelai's voice rang through.  
  
"Okay." Rory answered. Far from okay.  
  
"Was he upset?"  
  
"Yeah, I think he was." That makes two of us, she thought.  
  
"You're doing the right thing sweetie."  
  
Rory wanted to yell and scream at Lorelai over the phone. No I'm not! I'm making the biggest mistake of my life! "Yeah, I know." She answered instead.  
  
"You're sure your okay? Want me to stop over?" Lorelai asked concerned.  
  
"No, I'm going to Lane's anyway." Rory sighed, "I'm fine, don't worry."  
  
"Alright, see you later hon."  
  
"Bye." Rory snapped her phone shut and leaned back in her seat. Memories of Jess came flooding into her mind. She smiled as she thought of one.  
  
  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Rory jammed the key into their apartment. It got stuck again.  
  
"Stupid door!" She murmured to herself and then she kicked it. "Never works."  
  
She was about to kick the door again when it opened, she looked up surprised.  
  
"Are you talking to the door again Rory?" Jess stood in the doorway with a smirk on his face.  
  
"Jess!" Rory threw herself into his arms, "What are you doing home so early?" She asked.  
  
"I thought I'd surprise you." He kissed her cheek.  
  
Rory smiled, "Oh, you're so sweet."  
  
"I know." Jess led her into their apartment. "I ordered Thai from the Plum Garden."  
  
Rory was puzzled, "But you don't like Thai food."  
  
"But you do." He sat down on their dingy couch in the TV room.  
  
"You're in a good mood." She sat down beside him and then a thought occurred to her, "Should we really be ordering out now? I mean, we've been so tight on money lately . . ." She trailed off.  
  
"We're celebrating." Jess announced.  
  
"We are?"  
  
"I got that job at Saint Mary's, English teacher." Jess grinned from ear to ear. "It doesn't pay much, but it's a teaching job! No more subbing."  
  
"Ahh!" Rory rained kisses all over his face, "I'm soooo happy!"  
  
Jess laughed, "Me too." He brought her lips to his, they shared a long savoring kiss.  
  
"Mmm, at least one of us is moving on up." Rory said.  
  
Jess kissed the top of her head, "You'll get that job soon, I know it."  
  
Rory jumped up out of his arms, "Let's not talk about that." She twirled around, "Let's dance! We have to celebrate!" She put a cd in their small stereo, a jazz song mingled into the room.  
  
"You know I don't dance." Jess sat on the couch unmoving.  
  
"Well, you do today." Rory unsuccessfully tried to pull him up. When it didn't work she glared at him, "If you don't dance with me right now we just won't celebrate later on tonight."  
  
Jess quickly stood up, "Just one song."  
  
"I knew you couldn't resist me." Rory kicked off her shoes and opened her arms.  
  
They slow danced to the steady jazz music.  
  
"You should have gotten Chinese food tonight." Rory interrupted the silence making Jess jump.  
  
"What?" He asked confused.  
  
"Chinese Food. We're celebrating for you, not me. You should have gotten Chinese food. That's what you like." Rory declared.  
  
"But you like Thai." Jess argued.  
  
"But we're celebrating for YOU." Rory repeated.  
  
Jess brought her closer to him, "But I like to make you smile."  
  
Rory smiled, "I love you."  
  
"See? I made you smile." He grinned.  
  
Rory rolled her eyes and then laid her head on his shoulder.  
  
They danced in silence until Jess finally asked a question he'd been wanting to ask for a long time.  
  
"Are you happy here?" He said gently into her ear.  
  
"What?" She pulled away confused.  
  
"Are you happy here?" He asked again.  
  
Rory was astonished. "How can you even ask me that?"  
  
Jess shrugged, "Well, are you?"  
  
"I've never been happier in my life." Rory's eyes held truth. She shook her head, "Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because your mother hasn't called since Christmas, because we barely have enough money to scrape by, because you don't have the job you want, because we live in an apartment where cockroaches are our friends. I could go on and on, Rory." Jess sighed, "I just wish I could give you more."  
  
They had stopped dancing, Rory looked deep into his eyes. "Jess, you're all I need. You're enough for me, you always have been. How could you think otherwise?"  
  
"But you're mom . . ."  
  
Rory cut him off, "That's her fault. If she doesn't accept us then so be it. It's her loss. And my having the job I don't want has nothing to do with you and you know that." She grinned, "Besides, I like cockroaches."  
  
Jess laughed and dipped her, "I thought we were dancing."  
  
Rory laughed too, "I like dancing with you."  
  
"I love it."  
  
*Present*  
  
Rory shoved her key into the ignition, why did she even bother thinking of him? She had Ryan now.  
  
She smiled when she thought of Ryan. No, she didn't love him, but he made her happy and she needed that right now. He was a good man.  
  
How many times a day did she tell herself that?  
  
Too many.  
  
But now she could put Jess in the past. He would send the papers and that would be that.  
  
Somehow Rory knew it wasn't going to be that simple.  
  
* * *  
  
After Rory left, Jess closed the door and leaned against it.  
  
How could she do this to him?  
  
He slid down the door until he fell to a sitting position. He banged his head against the door. He had gone three years without letting her torment him. And now she was back, and now he had to sign papers.  
  
Those damn papers. He'd been dreading them for the last three years and now they were here. He saw them sitting on his kitchen table, he wished he could rip them up and then burn them.  
  
But, oh yeah, Rory was getting married. It had to be legal.  
  
But those damn papers made it all the more real.  
  
For the past three years it had seemed that Rory and him were just taking a vacation from each other. But now it was real, once he signed those she would be gone from his life forever.  
  
He wanted her to be in his life forever. Isn't that what marriage meant? Until death, do us part? So much for that. He banged his head against the door again. Here he was, thirty-three years old and hadn't had a date for three years until tonight. How could she have that effect on him? She always had though. Ever since he was seventeen.  
  
You would he think he'd hate her, after what she did to him. He had tried, oh how he had tried! He had scorned her and cursed her, but the thing was he didn't have any feelings of hatred at all toward her. It seemed to be the exact opposite.  
  
Damn papers. Fuck them.  
  
Jess thought back to when the word 'divorce' was first mentioned.  
  
As Rory smiled through her memory, Jess cried through his.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Jess bounded into their apartment, he had had a great day! He had been named teacher of the year by student vote. It was his first year at St. Mary's and he already had an award. He felt wonderful!  
  
He came in to see Rory sitting on the couch, blankly staring at the TV.  
  
His day suddenly turned sour.  
  
"Hey Rory, how was your day?" He hung his coat in the closet.  
  
She turned to look at him, "Fine." Her voice sounded detached.  
  
He waited for her to ask the same question, it had become their daily ritual. It never came.  
  
"Mine was great. Thanks for asking." He became sarcastic all of a sudden. When had she lost her zest for life?  
  
"Jess, not now." Rory leaned back and closed her eyes.  
  
"Why? Why not now?" Jess fumed. He had bottled up his rage for weeks and now it was all coming out. "You never want to talk! You never want to touch me! You never want to look at me!"  
  
Rory put her head in her hands, "Please Jess."  
  
"No, I want you to listen to me Rory." He grabbed her by the shoulders and made her look at him. "I love you and I don't want to lose you. Do you know that?"  
  
When she didn't answer he shook her, "Do you know that?" He yelled.  
  
She pulled away from him, "Stop it, stop it. Stop yelling, I hate it when you yell!" Rory cried.  
  
"What did I do wrong?" He asked suddenly quiet.  
  
"Nothing, you did nothing wrong." Tears formed in her eyes, "It's me, it's me."  
  
Jess embraced her, "Please tell me. Tell me what went wrong."  
  
A single tear fell, "I can't, I can't."  
  
"Oh, Rory. Don't do this, please. Just tell me what's wrong." He needed to know so he could fix it. So things could go back to the way they were. He held her until her tears stop coming.  
  
She pulled away from him and made herself stop crying. She sucked in a deep breath, "I want a break." Her voice was unsteady.  
  
Jess stared at her uncertainly, "What do you mean a break?" She didn't mean . . . no she couldn't. Right?  
  
"I want a divorce." Her hands were shaking.  
  
Jess forgot to breathe, "You WHAT?!!!" Where the fuck did that come from?  
  
"I want a divorce."  
  
Jess felt his insides twist, he was going to throw up any second now. He had to calm down. He said, "There's a difference between divorce and break Rory. Which is it?" He could feel the bile rising in his throat. His mouth was watering and so were his eyes.  
  
"Divorce, it's divorce." Now she was shaking all over.  
  
"Divorce?" He said weakly. Divorce? No, oh God no. Oh shit.  
  
"I don't love you anymore Jess." Rory looked at the ground.  
  
"Fuck that!" Jess yelled. "Don't lie to me Rory!"  
  
"I don't!" She finally looked him in the eye.  
  
He couldn't read her this time. Her eyes were blank and clouded. He fell onto the couch.  
  
"I want a divorce Jess." Rory declared, this time her voice was steady and true.  
  
He didn't answer, his energy was draining away from him. He just couldn't fight it anymore.  
  
His life fell apart at that moment.  
  
*Present*  
  
  
  
Jess still didn't understand how that happened to them. In a matter of one month they had gone from a fun loving couple to two separate people who didn't understand each other at all.  
  
It was like it had happened over night. Rory just stopped responding to him. He wiped his face on his sleeve.  
  
But after they had separated, the word divorce had never been mentioned between them again. Perhaps it was because Jess was to furious and completely broken hearted to even look at her. Or maybe it was because neither of them could bare to make it official. Divorce had seemed like going way to far.  
  
Sudden, it had happened so sudden. He was never ready for it.  
  
Jess had ended up doing most of the talking toward the end of their marriage, which wasn't exactly normal for him. She wouldn't let him touch her, they barely even kissed, much less made love.  
  
Something had happened to Rory. But he never found out what that was.  
  
At first he thought she had been cheating on him, but Rory would never do that. He knew that now.  
  
So what happened? He had yet to figure it out. He probably never would.  
  
The only other person that probably knew was Lane Kim. She had refused to tell him.  
  
They had separate lives now, Jess thought, its not like it matters.  
  
But it did.  
  
* * *  
  
It was ten o'clock when Rory parked her car in the driveway and turned off the engine. She was finally here.  
  
Rory walked up to the front door and softly knocked. She didn't want to wake up the kids.  
  
Lane opened the door, "Hey."  
  
Rory forced a smile, "Hi."  
  
Lane stepped aside to let Rory in, "How'd it go?"  
  
Rory shook her head and bit her lip, "Not so good."  
  
"You okay?" Lane opened up her arms and they hugged.  
  
"No, I don't think I am." Rory squeezed her eyes shut and hugged her best friend tighter.  
  
"I'm sorry Rory." Lane wished she knew something better to say.  
  
"Oh, God Lane. I forgot how hard it was." Rory pulled away and sighed. "I'd forgotten how much I loved him."  
  
Lane put an arm around her shoulder and led her into the kitchen, "You can tell me about it over a cup of coffee. I just put some on."  
  
Rory smiled, a real one this time. "You're so good to me."  
  
"Don't mention it."  
  
They sat down at the kitchen table and Rory told her everything that happened. She didn't leave out any details.  
  
Lane knew everything anyhow. She knew why they were divorcing, she was the only one. Rory didn't tell anyone else.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
"Hey Lorelai." Rory said as she entered the kitchen of her house. Her house was an old fashioned one in the middle of Hartford. It was small with only two bedrooms but was perfect for Rory. It had a big front yard where she did all of her gardening from tulips to brightly covered vines crawling up the side of the brick house. Inside the kitchen it was warm and smelled like coffee, Rory was definitely home. Finally.  
  
"Hey, thought I'd stop by." Lorelai took a sip of her coffee which she had taken from Rory's coffee machine.  
  
"Oh." Rory threw her purse onto the table. She sat down in one of the kitchen chairs.  
  
"You look tired." Lorelai declared.  
  
Rory nodded, "I am. Lane and I were up almost the whole night talking." She yawned, "I thought I'd take a nap."  
  
"Oh." Lorelai said disappointed.  
  
"What?" Rory asked noticing her response.  
  
"Well . . ." Lorelai said, "I kinda told Ryan we'd all go out for brunch."  
  
"Lorelai!" Rory practically whined, "Why didn't you ask me first, you knew I was staying at Lane's"  
  
"I know, but I thought it'd be fun. We'll go to Luke's!" Lorelai suggested.  
  
Rory knitted her eyebrows. "I don't want to go to Luke's, I want to sleep."  
  
Lorelai crossed her arms, "You're no fun anymore."  
  
"I'm just not in the mood, okay?" Rory stood up.  
  
"Fine, then you call Ryan and cancel our fun plans."  
  
Rory rolled her eyes, "You're the one who made them, why don't you do it?"  
  
"Don't get sharp with me!" Lorelai suddenly snapped. The wrinkles from narrowing her eyes too often around her eyes more noticeable then ever.  
  
"Lorelai!" Rory whirled on her. "I just had a really bad night, okay? I had to tell the man I once loved to sign the divorce papers! I had to dig up the past last night! And I hated it! Christ, just leave me alone!" She shouted, her cheeks red with rage.  
  
Lorelai backed down, "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was that hard on you." She said softly, "You said on the phone last night that you were okay."  
  
"Yeah, well I lied." Rory made her way up the stairs. "Make sure you call Ryan because I'm going to bed."  
  
Rory almost slammed the door to her room but caught herself. She was seventeen anymore.  
  
She remembered having fights with Lorelai then, mostly about Jess come to think of it.  
  
But it had always been about Jess. Frankly, her mother hated his guts. When they had gotten married she and Lorelai had barely spoken.  
  
She hadn't even come to her daughter's own wedding.  
  
Only after the separation had they made up.  
  
Lorelai still thought it was Jess's fault they were getting divorced. But it wasn't, it was hers.  
  
As Rory curled up in bed she was racked with guilt. She was the one causing Jess pain. Again. She thought that by getting divorced she would make his life better, away from her.  
  
But she wasn't so sure of that anymore. She wasn't sure of anything.  
  
AN: More coming soon, hope you like it!! REVIEW!!!!!! 


	6. i'll sleep sound

AN: I just want to thank everyone for all the great reviews!!! I really appreciate them! I hope you like this update, so here it is..  
  
  
  
i'll sleep sound  
  
"Jess!"  
  
He looked up from his desk in his study. He raised his eyebrows, "Rory, what are you doing here?"  
  
She hurried into the room, "Where are the papers? I need them."  
  
"I haven't signed them yet." He said.  
  
"Well, do it now." She began searching for them around his desk.  
  
"Rory, I'm kind of busy at the moment."  
  
"I need those papers." Rory looked through the desk drawers. They weren't there.  
  
Jess grabbed her hands, "Rory, come on. I'll sign them later."  
  
She wrenched her hands back, "No! I need them now." Papers went flying across his desk as she searched. She was making a mess but didn't seem to care.  
  
"You won't find them!" Jess shouted.  
  
Rory tore apart the room looking for them, "Yes, I will." She threw papers everywhere, they whirled around her. Surrounding her.  
  
All of a sudden everything was white.  
  
She spun around looking for Jess and the study but it was white.  
  
Her eyes scanned the room in a panicked manner.  
  
All white.  
  
"No, no." She whimpered. She clamped her hands over her ears.  
  
"Rory!"  
  
A voice called to her.  
  
She whirled around, "Jess?"  
  
"Rory!"  
  
"Jess!" She said desperately.  
  
"Rory, let me in!"  
  
There was a pounding on the outside of the walls.  
  
Rory shook her head through tears, "You can't! You can't come in!" She went to the place where the pounding was coming from.  
  
"Rory! Please just let me in. I'll give you the papers, I promise! Please, I love you!" More pounding.  
  
Rory pressed her palms and forehead against the wall, "No, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She slid down to her knees.  
  
"Let me in! Rory!"  
  
Sobs erupted from her.  
  
"Rory! Rory!"  
  
Someone was shaking her shoulders.  
  
"Rory, wake up! Come on honey."  
  
Her eyes fluttered, "No, you can't, no." She whispered.  
  
"Rory, please wake up."  
  
Her head felt very heavy, she couldn't lift it. Her eyelids opened slowly, she recognized her own room around her. It wasn't white. A lush blue.  
  
"Oh man, Rory, you scared me."  
  
Someone began wiping away the tears that stained her cheeks.  
  
Rory then recognized the person in front of her, "Ryan." She gave a small smile.  
  
"Yeah, it's me." He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "You had a nightmare."  
  
Rory lifted herself up into a sitting position, "I did." She shook her head trying to clear her thoughts. Major scary nightmare. She hated white rooms.  
  
"Are you okay?" Ryan asked concerned. He brought her into his embrace.  
  
"Yeah, I will be." She laid her head on his broad shoulder and sighed.  
  
He pulled away, "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
Rory looked deep into her fiancé's hazel eyes, "No, I'm fine."  
  
He ran a hand through his wavy chestnut hair, "You were crying."  
  
"I'm okay, really." Rory wiped away the remaining tears.  
  
"You weren't okay two seconds ago." He cupped her face in his hands. "What happened?"  
  
Rory shook her head, "Nothing." She pulled away from his embrace and stood up. Stretching, she asked, "What time is it?"  
  
"Five o'clock." Ryan watched her with a worried expression. It had been more then a nightmare, he thought.  
  
"It's that late already?" Rory sounded surprised. "I slept a long time."  
  
Ryan stood up with her, "How'd it go last night?"  
  
Rory looked away, what should she say? "Not exactly how I wanted it to."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
She shrugged, "He just wasn't too happy about the whole thing."  
  
"If you want me to come with you next time . . ."  
  
Rory cut him off, "No, I think that would make the situation worse."  
  
Ryan nodded, "Should we drop them off today?"  
  
"What?" Rory looked up confused.  
  
"The divorce papers at the legal office." He said as if stating the obvious.  
  
Rory flinched at the sound of divorce and said, "Oh, that." She bit her lip. "Well, the thing is . . ." She trailed off.  
  
"You don't have them." He finished for her.  
  
"Yeah, I left them with him. He said he would send them." Rory made her way downstairs with Ryan following her.  
  
"You think that was a good idea?" He asked walking onto the kitchen with her.  
  
Rory shrugged turning the coffee maker on, "He wanted to look over them."  
  
He sat down at the kitchen table. "What's there to look over? It's a divorce."  
  
Rory flinched again when he said divorce, she wished he would stop saying that. "It's really not a big deal." Rory turned around to face him.  
  
"What if he doesn't send them?"  
  
"He will." Rory said losing her patience.  
  
"I'm not so sure." Ryan raised his eyebrows, "I wouldn't give you up so easily."  
  
"Jess knows that we can never be together again anyway. And that's that." Rory walked out of the room.  
  
Ryan sighed and followed her, "Are you positive of that?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure." Rory's voice faltered.  
  
"What's wrong?" Ryan came up behind her.  
  
She tuned around looking at her feet, "He was just so cold. I didn't expect that, it was just kind of a hard blow."  
  
Ryan hugged her, "What did you expect?"  
  
"I don't know, but not that." Roy burrowed her head into his chest.  
  
Ryan pulled away and held her face with his hands, trying to cheer her up, "Just think, we'll be married in two months time and all of this will be behind us!"  
  
Rory smiled, "Yeah, it will be."  
  
But inside Rory's smile faltered.  
  
****************************************************  
  
Lane Kim was worried.  
  
And God knows that she already had enough to worry about.  
  
For example: this week she had to worry about Thomas acing his history test, Kimmy getting to hockey and soccer practice on time, her mother coming over for dinner tomorrow night, cleaning the house today and tomorrow because her mother was coming over for dinner tomorrow night, and making sure the bills were paid.  
  
Yeah, she had enough to worry about.  
  
But yet, she was still worried about her best friend. She couldn't help it.  
  
Rory needed to be worried about. She really should tell him . . .  
  
Jess had the right to know. Lane knew how distressed he was over it, she kept in touch with Jess even after they had separated. He was Melanie's god-father after all, and the kids absolutely adored him.  
  
Her thoughts were interrupted when her son James came crashing through the kitchen, "Mom! MOM!"  
  
Lane looked up sharply, "What is it James?" She wiped her hands on a dish rag as her six year old son rushed out a hurried answer.  
  
"We found a snake in the backyard!! Come look at it!" James pulled on his mother's hand. "Kimmy found it! Melanie started screaming and now she's hiding under the deck because Kimmy kept trying to give it to her! But oh man! It's so cool!"  
  
"Mel's under the deck?!" Lane asked concerned. Her youngest, four year old daughter did not like anything that crawled. "Kimmy shouldn't have been teasing her with a snake."  
  
They had reached the furthest part of the back yard that led into a small forest, three of her children were huddled in a group whispering excitedly.  
  
"Okay, let's see it." Lane said. Eight year old Kimmy came out with a squirming grass snake in her hands.  
  
Lane raised her eyebrows, "Looks harmless enough."  
  
"We named him Squirmy!" Thomas piped up, a tall, lanky greened eyed nine year old.  
  
"Seems to fit." Lane said, she eyed them warily. "Don't be teasing your sister, okay? Especially you Kimmy."  
  
Kimmy just shrugged and turned back to the snake, "Let's make it a home!"  
  
Thomas said, "I have the perfect box!"  
  
"Great!" James cried, "Let's go and get it."  
  
The three kids scurried off in search of the box. Lane smiled after them loving her children to no end.  
  
Lane turned in search of her youngest daughter, the poor thing. She wasn't much of a tom boy as her sister Kimmy was. Melanie was always left out since Kimmy didn't care a thing about girls things, on the other hand Melanie would only wear dresses.  
  
She reached the deck where their pool was, a simple above ground pool that was used constantly.  
  
"Hey Mel." Lane crouched down peering under the deck. "Come on out."  
  
Melanie crept forward, her pink flowered dress covered in dirt. "Mommy?" She asked.  
  
"I'm here. Come here sweetie." Lane reached out and brought her daughter to her.  
  
Tears stained her daughters cheeks, "They tried to make me touch it." She hiccuped, "B-but I didn't want to."  
  
"I know." Lane kissed Melanie on the cheek, "It's okay, you don't have to." She smoothed down her daughter's jet black hair. Melanie was the only one of her children that looked like Lane. The rest looked exactly like Mathew, her husband. In fact, Melanie was a spitting image of Lane.  
  
"Come on." Lane picked Melanie up, "We'll go inside, clean you up and make cookies for Daddy. How does that sound?"  
  
"G-good." Melanie forced a smile and wrapped her small arms around her mother's neck.  
  
An hour later they were placing a batch of cookies into the oven. For some reason Lane's thoughts drifted back to Rory once again.  
  
She was so worried about her. She needed to tell him. Everything. She needed tell him, or Lane didn't think Rory would ever really be able to move on with her life.  
  
Lane sighed, she was also worried because she was pregnant again.  
  
She didn't know how to tell Rory. She felt horrible because here she was already with four children and she had another one on the way. How would she tell Rory?  
  
Rory had wanted kids so badly and then . . .  
  
Lane hated thinking about it. She decided to give Rory a call. She would invite her over for dinner Friday night and give her the news.  
  
She dialed the memorized number and waited for Rory to answer the phone.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey Ror."  
  
"Lane! How's it going?"  
  
"I should be asking you that question."  
  
"I'm doing fine."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Well, no not really." Lane heard her sigh through the phone. "I had a nightmare again."  
  
"Oh, no . . . But you haven't had one of those in years, not since . . ." Lane felt her worry growing for Rory.  
  
"I know. But now they're back, no surprise really. I saw him again, I really should've expected it."  
  
"No, you shouldn't have. Think more positively Rory, everything is going to turn out just fine." Lane said encouraging.  
  
"I hope so. I want it to so badly."  
  
There was a moments silence.  
  
"Lane?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you think he'll sign the papers?"  
  
Another moment of silence.  
  
"Lane?"  
  
"Sorry." Lane but her lip, tell the truth, she thought. "I'm not so sure Rory."  
  
"Ryan doesn't think he will. Maybe I should've stayed there until he did."  
  
"Yeah, maybe."  
  
Rory sighed again, "He was so bitter . . ."  
  
"I think that he might want answers before he signs them."  
  
There was an awkward pause.  
  
"Do you think so?" Rory said almost weakly.  
  
"He might. Listen Rory, we should talk about this in person. Why don't you come over for dinner Friday night. We'll figure all this out."  
  
"Okay, sounds good."  
  
Melanie was pulling on Lane's pants, "Mommy, can I talk to Aunt Rorwy too?" She looked up at her with huge dark, brown eyes. Melanie absolutely adored Rory, she was her god-mother.  
  
"Hey, Rory Mel wants to talk to you."  
  
"Put her on, I want to know how her first ballet lesson went."  
  
Lane handed the phone to Melanie.  
  
"Hi Aunt Rorwy!" Melanie scurried down the hall talking excitedly into the phone.  
  
Lane watched her daughter race into the other room.  
  
She really did need to tell him.  
  
  
  
****************************************************  
  
"Hey Sara!" Katie Hanover called to her best friend.  
  
Sara turned around from her locker to see Katie, a tall athletic, blonde, striding towards her, "Hey Kate."  
  
"Listen, I just had English, and Mr. Mariano is in a freakin shitty mood today!" She sighed and leaned against a locker beside hers. "I wouldn't go asking for another book list, he'll probably piss all over you."  
  
Sara raised her eyebrows, "Nice way of putting it."  
  
Katie merely shrugged, "Well, there's no other way to describe it."  
  
"What happened?" Sara asked retrieving more books from her locker. She had been planing on telling Mr. Mariano how much she enjoyed 'Oliver Twist'. Didn't look as though that would be happening.  
  
"He gave a pop quiz and said it would be counting as fifty percent of our test grades." Katie rolled her eyes and snapped her gum. "I didn't think it was that bad, but some other people had a really hard time."  
  
"If they actually did the reading they wouldn't have any trouble." Sara said and slammed her locker closed.  
  
"Yeah, too bad they don't. I have Earth Science now, don't wanna be late." Katie turned and ran down the hallway hoping she wouldn't be. Mrs. Kiles excepted no excuses for being tardy and continually gave out detention.  
  
"See ya!" Sara called after her and then made her way to English class.  
  
Mr. Mariano was definitely acting weird today. He had this look of venom on his face that hadn't left his face for the whole class.  
  
But sometimes Sara would detect a look of complete sadness on his face.  
  
Of course the pop quiz for her was easy enough, but some of her classmates were moaning and groaning.  
  
"If you had done the reading this wouldn't be so bad would it?" Mr. Mariano asked scathingly as he collected the papers and tossed them on his desk.  
  
Carl Mennings raised his hand, "This isn't really gunna cost that much on our grade is it?"  
  
"Stop complaining, Carl." Mr. Mariano snapped.  
  
The whole class winced. He really was in a bad mood today. He never acted like this, he was usually the cool teacher.  
  
Until today that is.  
  
The bell rang and everyone hurried out of the classroom. Sara didn't stop to ask for another book list, she would just have to ask Mrs. Harper for recommendations.  
  
"What's up his ass?" Sara heard Carl ask one of his friends on their way out.  
  
"Who knows?" Scott responded, "I'm not voting him teacher of the year this time."  
  
"Got that right."  
  
Sara watched them saunter down the hall, the school jocks. She rolled her eyes.  
  
It was just one day, it didn't stop him from being the best teacher in the school.  
  
But what WAS wrong with Mr. Mariano?  
  
  
  
AN: You know what to do!!! 


	7. you're the sun

you're the sun  
  
  
  
He had been a real asshole whole today. He admitted it. He would have to apologize, and maybe not count the quiz as a grade. That would hopefully cheer them up. He still couldn't believe the way he had acted towards them today. He never let his personal life get in the way of his work.  
  
Of course, she just had to mess up his whole routine. It was so like her.  
  
Jess knew that it wasn't really Rory's fault. The only one to blame was himself, but still, it cheered him up a bit.  
  
Once home, he grabbed a beer from the fridge hoping it would cool him down. A cigarette would even be nice right now, but he had given them up ages ago.  
  
When they had married actually.  
  
Sitting down at the kitchen table, Jess nursed his beer. He eyed the legal documents that were only inches away from him. It was now or never he supposed.  
  
He slid them to his side and began flipping threw them, his jaw dropped as he did so.  
  
She hadn't signed them yet!! What was she playing at? She had her lawyer write these up and she hadn't even fucking signed them yet?? Christ.  
  
Jess stared at the blank line where her signature should be. He flipped through other pages, they were all blank.  
  
She was all eager to get married, yet she hadn't even bother to put her signature on the papers yet. This was insane. But all in all, it made him feel ten times better. Once he signed the papers it would still not be official. It just wouldn't be so bad.  
  
He reached for a pen on the table and went to sign the papers, but he couldn't force his hand to write his signature.  
  
What was wrong with him? Just do it!!  
  
But he couldn't. In a fit of rage he threw the pen across the room.  
  
Jess sighed and leaned back in his chair, he was acting extremely childish. He didn't have to deal with this right now. He stood up defiantly and strode out of the room in search of something else.  
  
He sat down in his study and began making up a list of books for Sara. Which of course had had forgotten to do over the weekend. But he would do it now.  
  
As he wrote down some of the favorite books of his childhood another memory swept into his mind.  
  
Why was he thinking of her so much lately?  
  
Oh, yeah. Because of those damn papers.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Jess sat at the kitchen table chewing the eraser of his well, bitten pencil.  
  
Rory was only yards away washing the dishes from the meal they had just eaten. "Okay, how about 'The Handmaid's Tale'?" She suggested wiping off another sauce stained plate.  
  
Jess grinned, "That could work. Interesting yet educational." He added it to his ever growing list. "'The Color Purple'?"  
  
Rory nodded and said, "Yeah, but do they allow that book in public schools?."  
  
"I'll have to ask." And Jess scratched that onto his list anyway.  
  
"How about 'To Kill A Mockingbird', by Harper Lee? There would be a lot of points you could address in that one." Rory said as she towel dried a glass and replaced it in the cabinet.  
  
"Great." Jess grinned as he scanned his list. "A few more months and we'll be able to get that washing machine."  
  
"Ohhhh, if only." Rory settled herself next to Jess with a dreamy look on herself. "Hey, you did put 'Oliver Twist' down, right?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah, it's at the top of the list."  
  
"Good." Rory said affirmatively. "Can't forget that one."  
  
"Nope." Jess sighed, "We only have two weeks left until school starts, I hope I get everything finished on time."  
  
Rory rested her head on her hand and gazed at him, "You will, don't worry. You'll be fine. It's not like you haven't done this before."  
  
Jess shrugged, "Yeah but that was with junior high kids at Saint Mary's, this year it's high schoolers. A whole different genre. They're supposed to be rather nasty."  
  
Rory raised her eyebrows, "Sounds like someone I once knew."  
  
"Hmm, who would that be?"  
  
Rory's eyes twinkled, "A certain someone I used to date in high school." She shrugged.  
  
"Was this guy handsome?"  
  
"No, just troubled, I felt bad for him." Rory grinned wickedly.  
  
"Dean always was a criminal."  
  
Rory laughed and jabbed him in the chest, "No, you were!"  
  
"Me? Never." Jess placed his hand over his heart dramatically.  
  
Rory smiled, "I recall you being a troubled teenager who didn't give a damn about school."  
  
Jess pretended to be astonished, "Did Rory just swear?"  
  
"Hey, I can swear now. I've grown up." She swatted him lightly.  
  
He caught her hand, "Well, so have I."  
  
Rory pouted, "But I liked that juvenile delinquent who didn't care about anything or anyone but his books."  
  
Jess kissed her knuckles, "I cared about you." He said seriously.  
  
Rory smiled and leaned into him, "I love you."  
  
Jess wrapped his arms around her, "I love you too."  
  
They kissed there in the kitchen until they made their way to the bedroom.  
  
*Present*  
  
  
  
Jess grimaced and forced himself to concentrate on the list of books he was making for Sara Watson. But his mind couldn't help but wander back to Rory considering how almost every book he wrote down reminded him of her.  
  
The phone rang beside him making him jump out of his seat.  
  
It was Lane.  
  
"How are you doing?" She asked.  
  
"As well as to be expected."  
  
"Have you signed them yet?"  
  
"It's funny you brought that up Lane."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"Because I just took a look at them and it turns out that Rory hasn't even signed them herself yet."  
  
He heard Lane draw her breath in sharply through the phone, "She- she hasn't?"  
  
"No, she hasn't."  
  
"I don't understand why she wouldn't."  
  
"Neither do I."  
  
"Unless . . ." Lane stopped abruptly.  
  
"Unless what?" Jess asked hastily.  
  
"No, that's not right." Lane said as though talking to herself. "Oh!" She said remembering something.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I called you because Rory said she was planning on coming to visit you this weekend."  
  
"Visit me?"  
  
"Yeah, to collect the papers."  
  
"What? She doesn't trust me to send them?"  
  
"Should she?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, I wouldn't"  
  
"Thanks for all the support."  
  
"No problem. Oh, by the way James's first baseball game of the year is Friday afternoon, he really wants you to come."  
  
"Friday . . . Friday." Jess said trying to think of what he had going on, "Damn, I can't come on Friday, I have a conference meeting with the English Department."  
  
"Oh." Lane said somewhat disappointed knowing that her son would be too.  
  
"When's his next game?"  
  
"Next Thursday."  
  
"I'll be there I promise. And I'll call him Friday to see how it went."  
  
"Alright, sounds good."  
  
"How's Mellie doing in ballet?" Jess said using his nick name for Melanie.  
  
"Great! She loves it. She's constantly twirling around the house." Lane laughed. "I think Kimmy is somewhat jealous."  
  
"Of ballet? That doesn't sound like Kimmy."  
  
"I know, that's why I was so surprised."  
  
Jess heard a doorbell ring in the background.  
  
"Oh, sugar! That's my mother, she's coming over for dinner. I really have to go."  
  
"Okay, I'll call Friday night. And good luck."  
  
"Thanks, I'm going to need it."  
  
"See ya Lane."  
  
"Bye."  
  
So Rory was planning a visit this weekend? Jess was going to tell her just how he felt.  
  
  
  
AN: More to come soon!! Review please. 


	8. leave me

leave me  
  
Lorelai was becoming increasingly frustrated. Where was her daughter?  
  
She had tried calling work, her cell, home, and Lane's. She was nowhere to be found.  
  
She was upset with Rory, she had missed her dinner date with Ryan. He had called, asking Lorelai if she had any idea where Rory was. He had tried all the necessary numbers also and come up fruitless just as Lorelai had.  
  
This wasn't like Rory, she never forgot about people like this. But then again she had been acting strangely lately.  
  
Ever since she had gone to see Jess that is.  
  
Lorelai did NOT like that man. He was completely wrong for her daughter. She should know, she had been best friends with Rory. At last until Jess had shown up.  
  
Things had never been the same between her and Rory. Even now. That's why she detested him so much.  
  
Lorelai sighed as she poured herself another cup of coffee. How did she end up like this? Single and bitter. She still lived in the same house, at least she had the inn. She and Sookie finally had an inn of their own. It was the one good thing in her life.  
  
Lorelai stepped into her family room with a coffee mug in her hand. She inserted a movie into the VCR, memories of the time before flooded into her mind as she watched 'Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.'  
  
For seventeen sweet years it had just been mother and daughter, Rory and Lorelai. Best friends. Soul sisters. Kindred spirits. Together forever.  
  
All that had changed when Jess came along. After that it had all gone downhill.  
  
And it was her fault.  
  
  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Lorelai walked up the steps of her house in a huff, it had been a long day at the inn and she was dying for coffee and a warm bed. She wished that she could invite Luke over, but they had broken up a month ago because they had gotten into a tremendous altercation over Jess and Rory.  
  
She walked into the house and headed for the kitchen, her heart lifted when she saw her daughter sitting at the table.  
  
"Rory?" She said uncertainly.  
  
"Hey Mom." Rory stood up quickly.  
  
"What are you doing here?" She searched her daughters face, it was flushed pink and full of happiness but she stared at her mother doubtfully.  
  
"I missed Stars Hollow."  
  
Rory hadn't been back from New York, where she lived with Jess, in quite awhile, mostly because every time she came home they had screaming fights over how she was leading her life. With Jess that is.  
  
There was an uncomfortable silence in the room and Lorelai finally asked, "Do you want something to eat?"  
  
"No, I ate at Luke's with Jess." Rory said.  
  
"Oh, Jess is here?" Lorelai said stiffening.  
  
Rory looked at her sharply, "Yes, he is. He's staying at Luke's though."  
  
Lorelai nodded, glad that she wouldn't have to see him tonight.  
  
"Mom, the real reason I came here was because I have to tell you something." Rory was smiling happily, but she appeared to be somewhat nervous and agitated.  
  
"What is it?" Lorelai said turning to her.  
  
Rory bit her lip, she knew her mom was going to flip. And not in a good way. "We're getting married, Jess and I." Her eyes were twinkling with love and hope.  
  
Lorelai stared at her, this couldn't be happening, not to her sweet little girl. She forced her rage down and answered Rory calmly, "Aren't you a little young for that?"  
  
Rory raised her eyebrows, "Mom, I'm twenty four, I'm old enough to drink."  
  
"So now you're drinking?"  
  
Rory balled her fists in frustration, "No, mother I'm not."  
  
"Probably another nasty habit you picked up from him." Lorelai turned away from her daughter, why did she say things like that?  
  
"You know that's so like you!" Rory practically shouted. "To take something so amazing and turn it into shit!"  
  
Lorelai whirled around, "Well it is shit!"  
  
"No it isn't! I love him Mom!" Rory's cheeks were dotted red with rage.  
  
"Love is not always enough!"  
  
"It is for me!!"  
  
"He's a good for nothing nobody who will never amount to anything!"  
  
"You don't know him at all, you've never even tried!!! You're so predictable."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"I knew you'd do this. You could at least pretend to be happy for me, I've never been happier in my entire life." Rory said softly.  
  
"I'm not going to pretend to be something that I'm not, Rory."  
  
"You're just jealous." Rory said.  
  
"I'm what?" Lorelai glared at Rory.  
  
"You're jealous that I didn't get pregnant at sixteen, jealous that I'll make something of my life, jealous that I've found someone to spend the rest of my life with while you're still alone. Dad left you and then Luke because you couldn't except the fact that Jess was apart of his life and mine. So now you're alone and bitter with your thoughts." Rory spat the words out.  
  
Lorelai's eyes widened, all color drained from her face. "He's going to ruin you and I can't wait for the day when you come crying home to me."  
  
"Get a life Lorelai, and stop trying to live mine." Rory began to walk out of the room.  
  
"You were a mistake you know." Lorelai said with venom between her teeth. She watched as Rory slowly turned around. "I hope you know that I would've had an abortion, except I was too far along when I found out about the worthless thing growing inside of me." She regretted the words as soon as they spilled from her mouth. They weren't even true. They weren't even true . . .!  
  
Rory didn't say anything, she just stared at her mother. And then she picked up her bags and left.  
  
*Present*  
  
  
  
That was the last time Rory had ever called her mom. She missed being called that.  
  
Too many bitter words had been said for things to ever be the same again.  
  
Lorelai hadn't gone to the wedding. She hadn't helped them find an apartment. She hadn't been there at all. She had only called once on Christmas, even then it was just to gloat because they didn't have much money at the time.  
  
She was a cold hearted bitch.  
  
She could admit that now.  
  
Gone was the mother and daughter that shared everything with each other, gone were the best friends. All that was left were two people trying to stand one another's company. Even now the air was frigid between them. Somehow she had become her own mother.  
  
Lorelai hated it.  
  
It had happened the moment Jess entered their life. Lorelai had once blamed him, but now she knew that it was entirely her fault.  
  
She regretted that she didn't make amends with Rory until after the separation. She regretted a lot of things. She had seen the way Rory lost all hope for life after the separation. It was like her whole life had drained away. It had taken two whole years to get her back on her feet. Lorelai knew now that they had been truly in love. That Rory had loved him with everything that she was worth.  
  
Maybe she still did.  
  
****************************************************  
  
The pebble hit the water with a small plop, it created ripples cascading across the water. The ripples continued until they reached her feet which were dangling in the cool water.  
  
She knew she was supposed to be somewhere, but she just didn't feel much like going.  
  
She tossed another pebble into the water and watched it sinking, the murk of the water closed around it and swallowed it whole.  
  
She remembered sneaking out here in the light of the moon and laughing as he skipped rocks across the water. She had never been able to make the skip, so she just tossed them. He called it a waste of good skipping rocks.  
  
Smiling she threw another one into the water.  
  
Her head snapped up as she heard footsteps behind her, making the bridge vibrate with anticipation. Suddenly she was seventeen again waiting for him to arrive, tossing pebbles into the water.  
  
She turned around. It was Ryan. The weight of the world dropped again onto her shoulders once again. Or at least it felt like it.  
  
"Hey." He said as he sat down beside her.  
  
"Hi." Another pebble plunked into the water.  
  
"Where were you tonight?"  
  
"Here."  
  
"I waited for an hour and you never showed." Ryan turned to her with his eyebrows raised in annoyance.  
  
Rory shrugged, "I forgot."  
  
"That's not like you Rory." He watched as she threw pebbles into the water. Is this what she come here to do? Throw rocks?  
  
"I'm sorry." She reached for another pebble but her supply had run out.  
  
But it didn't sound like she was sorry at all. It seemed like that she had meant to come here, meant to skip their date, meant to leave him hanging.  
  
"You had me worried. I didn't know where you were."  
  
Rory stared at her empty hands wishing she had something to fill them. But there was nothing. "I'm sorry." She repeated.  
  
He wanted her to look at him, but she wouldn't. Her blue eyes just stared across the pond searching. For what? He didn't know.  
  
For what he couldn't give her.  
  
"Your mother was worried too."  
  
She finally turned to face him, her eyes surprised. "Who, Lorelai?"  
  
"Yes." Ryan stood up, "Listen, if you're just going to sit there like you don't have a care in the world then that's just fine. But I'm leaving."  
  
She wished she didn't have a care in the world.  
  
Rory stood up quickly as he began to walk away, "Wait!" She caught up with him. "I'm sorry Ry. I really am." She took his hands and held them in hers.  
  
"Why didn't you come?" He stared steadily down at her.  
  
She hated to be looked down upon, "I just needed to be alone and I completely zoned out. I'm sorry, truly." Her voice held remorse.  
  
Ryan finally smiled, "Just don't do that again."  
  
Rory smiled too, relieved. "I won't, promise."  
  
They walked away together, their hands entwined.  
  
But for some reason Rory's hands still felt completely empty. Or maybe it was just her heart.  
  
AN: PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!! 


	9. i'll be the embrace

AN: I want to thank everyone for all the awesome reviews!!! They've been really great. I'm sorry to those of you who don't think I'm updating fast enough, but I'm not doing it on purpose! I'm not done with Pretty Baby yet, only two nights ago I added a whole new part to this chapter. I'm not even close to truly finishing this story yet. And I also know that some people are mad that there have only been a few Rory/Jess scenes so far, but I'm not going to throw them together all the time when they haven't spoken in three years. It just wouldn't be realistic, so I'm going about it somewhat slowly. And I also wanted this story to be from different points of view, not just Rory and Jess's. But I promise there will be a lot more than there have been in future chapters and in this chapter there is an R/J scene and I hope you like it!!!  
  
Thanks! ~Kay~  
i'll be the embrace  
  
A loud crash came from the family room and Lane went running in.  
  
She found a rumble occurring on the floor.  
  
"What's going on here?"  
  
Five perpetrators looked up innocently. "Nothing." They said in unison.  
  
Lane rolled her eyes, "Yeah right." Her husband Mathew was sprawled out on the floor, he had both Thomas and Kimmy in a head lock while James was unsuccessfully trying to pull them out. Melanie was running around them crying and telling them to stop fighting. "I thought I told you to take the wrestling outside! We have company coming over too!"  
  
Mathew smiled devilishly, "We're just having a bit of fun, why don't you join in honey? I could put you in a head lock too!" His green eyes twinkled, "And it's only Rory."  
  
All of the children looked up, their faces surprised and excited.  
  
"Aunt Rory's coming?!"  
  
"Why didn't you tell us?"  
  
"Yay! Aunt Rorwy's coming!"  
  
"I'm going to tell her all about my baseball-ouch!"  
  
Mathew had grabbed James by the legs and pulled him to the ground, he had all three pinned.  
  
"Hah! I win!"  
  
"I don't think so!" Melanie jumped into the fray laughing and screaming.  
  
Mathew made a loud grunting sound as she landed on his stomach, "Lane, help!" He cried breathlessly as the rest of them scrambled out of his grasp and tackled him also.  
  
Lane merely raised her eyebrows, "You got your own self into this." And she walked out of the room.  
  
"Come back, I . . ." But his voice was muffled out when Lane heard another crash. This time she didn't go running in.  
  
Lane was making the final touches to the salad when she heard the doorbell ring.  
  
"I've got it!" She heard Kimmy yell from the other room.  
  
"Oh, no you don't!" Mathew cried and Lane heard another thump.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" Lane said rolling her eyes.  
  
More screams and fits of giggles came from the family room.  
  
She opened the door to find Rory out side with a questionable look on her face, "What's going on in there?" She asked leaning in.  
  
Lane rolled her eyes and stepped back, "Come on in. Mathew decided it would be a good time to have a nice wrestling match."  
  
Rory laughed, "I was wondering where all those screams were coming from."  
  
All of a sudden Melanie came running into the front hallway and threw herself around Rory's legs. "Hellooooo Aunt Rorwy!!!"  
  
"Hey there, Mellie!" Rory picked her up and kissed her.  
  
"I can show you how to do ballet today!" She exclaimed.  
  
"Great!" Rory grinned and kissed her cheek again. She turned to Lane, "Where's the rest of the gang?"  
  
That's when Mathew came into the front hall with Thomas on his back, and Kimmy and James being pulled along on the floor holding his legs.  
  
"Hey Aunt Rory!" All three of them said in unison.  
  
"Hey Rory, how's it going?" Mathew asked grinning.  
  
"Not so bad." They kissed cheeks. "Looks like you've got quite a load there."  
  
Mathew shook his head, "The little buggers won't leave me alone."  
  
"Hey!" Came three indignant cries.  
  
Lane put her hands on her hips, "Yeah right Mathew. I know who started this." And she swept by him.  
  
"Oh, come on honey. Lighten up." He said following her into the kitchen still dragging all three kids.  
  
"Look at them!" Lane said pointed to James and Kimmy who were being dragged along the kitchen floor. "They're getting filthy!" But she was suppressing a smile.  
  
Mathew looked down at them and they smiled innocently back up at him, he merely shrugged. "Well, maybe the floor should be a little cleaner." His eyes gleamed roguishly.  
  
Lane's eyes flamed, "I was at the hospital at three this morning and then I came home and I have been cleaning and watching those "little buggers" ever since. You come home and destroy the whole family room . . ."  
  
But Lane was cut off when Mathew kissed her, and he didn't stop either when the kids began whining.  
  
Kimmy and James quickly dislodged themselves and Thomas scurried off his back like they had cooties.  
  
"Oh no! They're doing it again!"  
  
"Make it stop." Kimmy shut her eyes and clamped her hands around her ears. She began dancing around the kitchen in a wild sort of way.  
  
James ran to Rory, "Please! Tell them to stop."  
  
Melanie hid her face in Rory's shoulder.  
  
Rory grinned, "Stop eating each other's faces or get a room." She said.  
  
When they finally pulled apart Lane was blushing like a school girl but Mathew was grinning.  
  
"It's time to eat, go wash your hands." Lane told the kids, hastily changing the subject.  
  
Melanie scrambled out of Rory's arms and hurried to the bathroom with the rest of them, each still had a look of disgust on their faces.  
  
"Maybe we should wash out eyes out too." Came Thomas's voice from the bathroom.  
  
Rory flopped into a kitchen chair and watched as Lane and Mathew set the food out on the table. She laughed as Mathew egged her on. They were the perfect couple, Lane's house was Rory's favorite place in the world. Everything around her was filled with love and happiness.  
  
She smiled as thought of the day Lane met Mathew in college. A baseball prodigy that had asked her out to dinner. He was totally opposite of the Korean standards. He had brown hair streaked blonde, he only shaved when he felt the need to which left him with a scruffy look and his eyes were as green as Rory's were blue.  
  
A month after their first date they were married, and their first child, Thomas, came exactly nine months later. And to everyone's great surprise (mostly Lane's), Mrs. Kim absolutely loved Mathew. Even though he wasn't Korean or even a doctor, in fact he owned a highly qualified restaurant where he acted as the had chef. He had a chance at a professional baseball career, but he decided to be a family man and coach his son's baseball team instead.  
  
"I don't know why you don't make the dinners, Mister Head Chef." Lane's voice brought Rory back to the real world.  
  
"Because I like your food better, it's homey."  
  
"What's homey supposed to mean?"  
  
"I don't know, it's like apple pies."  
  
"Apple pies?"  
  
"Yeah, don't apple pies make you think of Thanksgivings at home with the whole family gathered round eating and just being your family?"  
  
"I'm Korean, remember?"  
  
"Oh, yeah."  
  
That's when four scrambling figures dashed into the room and took their seats.  
  
"Food!" Yelled James and stuck his fork into a breast of chicken.  
  
"James Patrick Cummings! Not before grace!" Lane scolded. Some of the Korean traditions were still kept in this household, one's they had to work on when her mother visited.  
  
After grace everyone dug in to Lane's "homey" dinner. An easy lull of conversation drifted through the room with laughter and smiles galore.  
  
Hours later Lane and Rory sat in lawn chairs in the backyard, with a bottle of wine; watching the kids and Mathew catch fire flies. Melanie had long since fallen asleep in Lane's lap and was now gently snoring.  
  
"So apparently the woman had lifted the car off of her own child." Lane stated in amazement.  
  
They were talking of her part time job at the ER as a nurse which took place four days a week.  
  
"Wow." Rory said in obvious astonishment, "I heard that you get this adrenaline rush. Have you ever gotten one?"  
  
Lane had a thoughtful expression on her face, "I think I might have when Kimmy broke her arm and I had to run all the way to the Johnson's, I don't think I've ever ran that fast in my whole life. If that even counts."  
  
Secretly, Rory wished that she could have adrenaline rushes for children of her own but didn't voice this to Lane. She wouldn't have time to anyway because at that moment the phone rang in the kitchen.  
  
Lane struggled to get up with Melanie still in her arms, but Rory stopped her.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll get it." She bounded up the stairs of the deck and flew into the kitchen as the phone rang one last time.  
  
"Hello?" She said in a breathless voice.  
  
There was silence from the other end.  
  
"HELLO?" She asked again, louder this time.  
  
"Rory?" The speaker said in obvious surprise. This time it was Rory who didn't answer.  
  
"Rory?" Jess called through the phone.  
  
"Sorry, yeah it's me." She said shakily. Why was he calling now?  
  
"What are you doing there?" Jess was still in shock that she answered the phone and didn't consider his words.  
  
"Well, I do come here a lot considering Lane's been my best friend since second grade and all."  
  
"Oh, right, sorry."  
  
There was silence.  
  
Say something Rory! "Um, I'm coming down this weekend to pick up the papers."  
  
"Yeah, Lane told me."  
  
"Oh." Rory constantly forgot that Jess was still apart of the Cummings' family even though she was not part of his.  
  
"I was calling to see how James' baseball went today, I couldn't make it."  
  
"Oh, well they won." Rory said again and began making her way outside.  
  
"I read one of your columns in that magazine, it was good."  
  
Rory could tell that he was dying to go over every detail of it but held himself back. "Thanks, which one was it?"  
  
Rory reached Lane and the lawn chairs. Lane looked up and asked, "Who is it?"  
  
"It was 'Growing Up With Teenage Hormones'."  
  
Rory was glad that they were on the phone so he couldn't see her flaming red face. She had definitely mentioned him in that article. Maybe not by name, but he would definitely know. "That was a fun one to write."  
  
"Who is it?!" Lane asked again.  
  
Rory mouthed Jess and Lane's eyes almost popped out of their sockets. She beckoned Rory to give her the phone.  
  
"I'm sure it was."  
  
Rory thought she heard Jess chuckle through the phone. She had missed his laugh, she didn't realize it until now.  
  
"I especially liked the part," He was saying now, "about sneaking through windows and hiding behind trees."  
  
Rory grinned, she had constantly sneaked out to see him in high school; and one time when they weren't supposed to be out Lorelai had passed by. They had hid behind a tree.  
  
"I couldn't help but add that." She said. She realized now that practically the whole article had been about him. She had liked writing that article.  
  
"I also noticed that you made a list of your favorite high school books." He paused. "'Oliver Twist' was at the top."  
  
"Where else would it be?" Rory asked as she sat down in her chair. She ignored Lane's gawking stare.  
  
"I never did get that back from you."  
  
"I gave that back!"  
  
"No you didn't."  
  
"You must have misplaced it then."  
  
"I don't misplace any of my books, especially that one."  
  
Which was true.  
  
"You'll just have to look harder then." But Rory knew he wouldn't find it because it was on her closet shelf.  
  
"Did Lane ever read it?"  
  
"No, she didn't." Rory looked at Lane then to see that she was still staring at her in astonishment. "Speaking of Lane, she wants to talk to you."  
  
"Alright, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." He sounded almost disappointed.  
  
"Yeah, tomorrow." And Rory handed the phone to Lane.  
  
It took her a moment before Lane finally said "Jess." into the phone.  
  
Rory didn't listen to their conversation, but stared up into the stars lost in her thoughts.  
  
She and Jess hadn't had a normal conversation since . . . well, since about a month before their separation. It had felt good to talk with him like that, really good.  
  
She couldn't talk to anyone else in the world like she could talk to Jess. Not Lane, not Lorelai, not Ryan, not anyone. She felt like she could tell him anything and he wouldn't laugh or raise his eyebrows. She missed their conversations more then she missed anything else. If she told him about something that was bothering her it would immediately cheer her up; just talking to him made her feel worlds better.  
  
Rory knew that she would never have that again. Thinking of this caused an emptiness to consume her and swallow her whole.  
  
* * *  
  
Later that night Rory and Lane sat out in their lawn chairs by themselves. Mathew had gone to put the kids to bed sensing that they wanted to be alone.  
  
"So what did you talk about?" Lane asked curiously as soon as everyone had gone.  
  
"My column, a book." Rory shrugged.  
  
"What book?"  
  
"The one you never read." Rory took a long gulp of her wine. The glass was empty again.  
  
Lane filled it for her, "There's many of those."  
  
"'Oliver Twist'"  
  
"Ahh, the one still on your closet shelf."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"I think that's the first real conversation you've had in years." Lane said.  
  
"Yeah, and you know what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"It felt good." Rory gazed at the stars, "Real good."  
  
"Well, why wouldn't it? You love the man for God's sakes."  
  
"Loved. Past tense please."  
  
"Right."  
  
Rory took another long satisfying, sip of her wine. "Why aren't you sharing in the fun?"  
  
Lane shrugged, "Not thirsty."  
  
"Oh, come one Lane. I filled your glass ages ago and you haven't yet taken a sip. You never pass up a nice glass of wine unless you're . . ." Rory sat straight up. "LANE!"  
  
"What?" She looked up, startled.  
  
"You're pregnant!"  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"You so are!"  
  
"What gave you that idea?"  
  
Rory rolled her eyes, "You haven't drunk any wine weirdo. And I CAN'T believe you waited this long to tell me. Wait you didn't even tell me, I had to figure it out by myself!" Rory settled herself back in her chair and crossed her arms. "I'm mad at you."  
  
Lane laughed, "You sound like you're in second grade."  
  
"I have reason to."  
  
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I was just waiting for the right time." Lane turned to her. "Forgive me?"  
  
"Of course!" Rory laughed and threw her arms around her best friend, "I'm so happy for you! For the fifth time!"  
  
Lane laughed with her, both drunk with happiness (literally for Rory). "This is definitely the last one, for awhile anyway."  
  
"How far along are you?" Rory asked excitedly.  
  
"One month, I only found out five days ago and wanted to tell you in person."  
  
When they pulled away Rory asked, "Who else knows?"  
  
"Well, Mathew was the first obviously. Mama knows and . . . you." Lane said.  
  
"Oh, I feel so special to be the third, although I was the first for Thomas." Rory said thoughtfully.  
  
"Yeah, that's because you were there when I took the test." Lane said smiling at the memory.  
  
"And I was quite upset to be the TENTH for Melanie, my own god- daughter." Rory said with her eyebrows raised.  
  
"That wasn't my fault!" Lane said indignantly. "You and Jess were living in the city. We have gone over this way too many times. " "When are you going to tell the kids?" Rory asked.  
  
"When they're ready."  
  
"Will they ever be ready?"  
  
"No, so we'll probably tell them in the next month or so." Lane sighed, "But they'll probably find out sooner when someone slips and you know who that'll be."  
  
"Mathew."  
  
"Yep. He can never keep a secret especially if it's a good one."  
  
"You two talking about yours truly again?" Mathew had walk up behind them.  
  
"Who else?" Lane asked looking up at him. "You're always the main topic of every one's conversations."  
  
"What can say? I'm just so popular." Mathew sat down on the ground between them. "It's hard to be me."  
  
Lane made a grunting sound.  
  
"You okay dharlin?" Mathew asked patting Lane's hand with a devilish grin on his face.  
  
The three of them stayed outside talking for hours while four kids upstairs were sleeping peacefully in their beds.  
  
* * *  
  
Later that night Lane lay quietly in her bed. It was two in the morning, she simply could not fall asleep. Maybe she had short term insomnia. Sighing, she rolled over in bed to find Matthew facing her, his mouth wide open and his hair mussed. Scorning him for falling asleep so easily every night, Lane pulled herself out of bed and padded out of the room and down the stairs.  
  
Upon reaching the kitchen, Lane placed a pan on the oven and filled it with milk. Hopefully some nice, hot chocolate would put her right to sleep.  
  
When her hot chocolate was completed she made her way into the living and took out some old photo albums that she hadn't looked at in ages. She flipped through a tired, sagging blue flower printed album that was frayed around the edges. She grinned as she went through it, watching her entire past life turn by.  
  
Here she was pregnant with Thomas. Her baby shower. Thomas as a new born. His first few weeks of life. It was definitely true what they say about parents taking too many pictures of their first child. Here was Thomas's baptism. Thomas's first Christmas. And then here she was again pregnant with Kimmy.  
  
Lane continued to flip through the photo album until she cam across one that made her stop abruptly. She squinted at it and smiled finally, it was of Jess and Rory at Thomas's first birthday party. They had only been married for a year then and were looking happier than ever. Rory had frosting on her nose and was sticking out her tongue at the camera; Jess had a plate of cake in his hands and was kissing Rory on the cheek.  
  
Lane shook her head and sighed, they had been so happy. These people in the picture had no idea that in four years they would barely be able to speak to each other much less be in one another's presence. They had no idea that four years later Rory would have a break down at work that would change everything.  
  
Lane bit her lip and thought of another memory much less happy then Thomas's first birthday party.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Rory sat across from Lane at the kitchen table slowly drinking her steaming cup of coffee. Their were bags under her eyes and her face was so pale compared to the deep rose colored wall behind her. Her hair was greasy and unkempt, her eyes lifeless.  
  
Rory closed her eyes and breathed in the aroma of coffee, "Mmm, this is wonderful. They wouldn't let me drink any of this."  
  
Lane smiled ever so faintly, "Feel good to be home?"  
  
"It feels okay here." Rory said looking down at the table.  
  
Biting her lip Lane ignored Rory's last comment, "You're not going back to work are you?"  
  
Rory shook her head so that her hair moved slightly in its greasy state. "I'm going to look for a new job where I can actually write. I never liked my other one anyway, not that they would take be back anyway. Nobody wants a person that has a nervous break down followed by a seizure." Rory frowned and then took another satisfying gulp of her coffee.  
  
Lane clenched and unclenched her hands, "Rory, you need to see someone."  
  
She furrowed her eyebrows, "Lane I'm fine. It was just one breakdown."  
  
"It was not JUST a breakdown Rory! You were hospitalized for three days!" Lane shook her head angrily, "You NEED help."  
  
Rory set down her cup of coffee and stared at Lane calmly, "You know I can't do that."  
  
"Yes Rory, you can or it's just going to get worse and worse! Don't you understand that?"  
  
There was a loud ticking noise in the background as Rory rubbed her temples. "You don't know how it feels Lane. You have no idea."  
  
"I know that Rory." Lane said. "There are groups you can go to; psychiatrists! I don't know what to do!"  
  
Rory forced a smile, "You're enough for me."  
  
Lane sighed, "No I'm not. I can't lose you like this okay Rory? And neither can Jess. It's not right." She looked up sharply when Lane said Jess's name. "He keeps asking me all these questions. I can't take it, he looks at me like I'm a freak or something."  
  
"He's worried about you!" Lane cried desperately. "I spoke with him Rory! God, he's beside himself with anguish. He doesn't know what's wrong with you and he loves you so much!"  
  
In a small voice Rory said, "I can't tell him Lane . . . I just can't."  
  
"Then you need to tell someone else."  
  
"Everyone would think that I am the worst person in the world. He would hate me."  
  
"It's NOT your fault! There's sick people out-"  
  
But Rory cut her off, "I'm not going to Lane! Okay?! I won't do it." Rory slammed her coffee cup on the table so that brown liquid sloshed down the sides; it looked as though she was about to storm out of the room when she said now calm, "I think I'm going to leave him."  
  
Lane stared at the coffee swimming on the wood surface of the table and sliding through the cracks. She was losing her best friend and she couldn't do a damn thing about it.  
  
*Present*  
  
Lane slammed the photo album shut and finished the last of her hot chocolate. Those had been some of the scariest months of her life. Rory calling from a pay phone in the inner city asking Lane to pick her up, Rory having a nervous breakdown slash seizure at her work three weeks later, and then there had been seriously a time when Lane thought Rory was suicidal.  
  
But it had all settled down after Rory separated from Jess. Lane had truly thought then that it would be the end of Rory from then on. But it had been the exact opposite, Rory seemed to have found new meaning for life after the separation.  
  
Jess on the other had had lost all meaning for life.  
  
Lane settled back on the couch pulling an afghan tightly around her. Their life was like a soap opera or something, a very terrifying soap opera.  
  
Within five minutes Lane fell asleep. But her dreams were unsettling, and her sleep restless. 


	10. breaks the storm

AN: Thanks for all the awesome reviews!! Here's the next chapter! ~Kay~  
breaks the storm  
  
"Are you sure you don't want anything to drink?" Jess asked one more time.  
  
"I'm fine, thanks." Rory said.  
  
They sat across from each other at his kitchen table, the papers sat awkwardly between them.  
  
A clock ticked loudly in the background.  
  
Jess finally voiced his thoughts, "That was a nice, normal conversation we had last night." He gave a small smile.  
  
Rory smiled and said, "Yeah it was." She paused, "It was good to talk to you like that again."  
  
"Yeah." Jess said softly. "I miss that."  
  
"Me too." She looked down at the table noticing that it had once been theirs.  
  
"It was great while it lasted." Jess sighed.  
  
"We had a wonderful marriage Jess." Rory looked up at him, "I hope you know that I don't regret any of it. Not one moment."  
  
"I know." He paused as though debating whether or not to voice his thoughts. And then, "But I do."  
  
A sharp pain swept through Rory's whole body, how could he say that?  
  
Jess saw the hurt in Rory's eyes and quickly said, "I regret not fighting back when you asked for a divorce."  
  
Rory looked at him sharply, "There was nothing you could have done Jess. I had already made up my mind."  
  
Jess shook his head, "It doesn't matter, I still should've tried. But I didn't and look where we are now. We can barely even talk to each other anymore."  
  
"Jess I was going to drive us further apart if we had stayed together. You know that."  
  
"We still could have tried. If you had just told me what was bothering you . . ." Jess trailed off. He really hated talking about this. "But I guess we'll never know now, will we?" Jess shot Rory a look.  
  
Rory bit her lip, "It was for the best. I'm surprised you put up with me that long anyway."  
  
"You don't get it, do you?" Jess's voice was filled with cruel amazement. "You just don't get it." Jess said giving a small disbelieving laugh and shaking his head. His eyes were cold and dark, they looked almost black.  
  
"Get what, Jess?" Rory asked. He was starting to scare her.  
  
"That I would have stuck by you until the end. I would have never left your side no matter what happened." His eyes were like daggers. "I believed in our marriage vows but obviously you did not. You didn't believe in our marriage at all."  
  
Rory almost flinched, his voice startled her. It was full of hatred and bitterness toward her. He had never spoken to her that way. Never. "How can you say that?" Her voice was full of shock, "I believed in out marriage until the end."  
  
Jess laughed, a horrible, ugly laugh. "What about 'Until death do us part' Rory? What about that vow? You obviously forgot it."  
  
"I did not." Rory turned her head away. She didn't forget it, she could never forget it.  
  
"Then why are we here Rory? Why did you come over here to have me sign these damn divorce papers?!" Jess slammed his hand on the papers making her jump. "You forgot our marriage, you forgot our love, you forgot about everything we'd ever worked for and believed in. You forgot all of this because of one little break down you had at work."  
  
Rory just stood there, her face was like a white sheet. She felt numb.  
  
"One bump in the road and you give up!" Jess was shouting now, his face red. "You just drop everything and ask for a divorce without even telling me why."  
  
Rory narrowed her eyebrows, "There's more to it then that!" Her voice was even and true.  
  
"Yeah, but you won't tell me what that is will you?" Jess yelled. His face was pulled back, full of unsuppressed anger.  
  
Rory didn't say anything. It was true.  
  
"You can marry your fucking boyfriend and make the perfect god damn American family and get on with the rest of your life without me." Jess picked up the papers and stood up, "But it won't happen until you tell me why you stopped loving me."  
  
Rory's eyes widened. No, no.  
  
"Only then will I sign these papers. Only then." He shoved them into her hands.  
  
Rory stared down at them and saw the empty lines where their signatures should be. She hadn't signed them yet? She could've sworn she had.  
  
"You can't do this." Rory said standing up with him. He can't do this to me, he can't.  
  
"Yes, Rory, I can." Jess said as if talking to a five year old. "You can take me to court if you'd like, but I won't sign those papers until you tell me what happened. Until then, your marriage to Ryan will not be legal because you're still married to me."  
  
Rory started shaking, "No, no. You can't do this. Please, please don't do this." Rory shook her head as tears fell freely down her cheeks. "Please." The papers fluttered to the ground, she couldn't hold them; her hands were shaking too much.  
  
Jess slowly and deliberately picked up the papers, he folded them and put them in her purse. But what he really wanted to do was hold her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be okay.  
  
Instead he said, "Control yourself Rory, you have a long ride home." His voice sounded hard and cruel even to him.  
  
Rory stared up at him disbelieving, "Please don't do this to me Jess." Her tears still fell down her cheeks. "If you really ever loved me, don't do this, please."  
  
For a wonderful second it looked like he would take it back, tell her that he didn't mind if she married someone else, tell her that he had forgiven her. . . but then Jess cupped her face in his hands and said, "Rory I'm doing this because I loved you. I won't be able to move on with my life until I do. And I don't think you will either. You need to do this for me and for yourself."  
  
Seeing her face full of pain and grief tore Jess apart. But he had to stay strong. He had to know.  
  
Rory nodded and forced her self to stop crying. Controlling herself, she pulled away from Jess and walked to the door. With her hand on the door handle, she glanced back quickly at Jess and then walked out.  
  
Jess stared at the door after she closed it. You have to do this, Jess reminded himself, it's for the best.  
  
Looking down at his hands he realized they were still wet with her tears.  
  
* * *  
  
Luke was tired. He really wanted to go to bed, but he needed to finish cleaning. Luke never left anything for the next day. It was way too late to be cleaning toasters. But here he was pulling out crumbs from tiny corners of this god damn, toaster.  
  
A knock at the door made him yell, "We're closed! Come back in the morning."  
  
"Luke, it's me."  
  
Luke looked up to see Rory standing at the doorway. She looked like hell. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hair in a tangled mess.  
  
He quickly crossed the room and opened the door, "What happened?" he asked softly.  
  
"I went to see Jess to pick up the papers." Rory walked into the diner and sat down at a stool.  
  
Luke hurried to pour her a cup of coffee, he decided not to touch on the subject just yet, "How's Lane doing? Haven't seen her around in awhile."  
  
Rory slowly smiled now, "Not with all those kids and another one on the way."  
  
"She's pregnant?" Luke asked his eyebrows raised. "Again?"  
  
"Again."  
  
"That is one brave woman."  
  
Rory took a sip from the mug that Luke had placed in front of her, "Yeah, she definitely is."  
  
"How's the column going? I read your most recent one, 'Growing Up With Teenage Hormones'. I never knew you felt that way about my food." Luke chuckled.  
  
Rory forced a smile, "Your coffee and food was apart of my childhood, I would not have grown up with out it."  
  
"So is it official?" He asked, his tone much more serious.  
  
"No." Rory answered not having to question what he meant.  
  
Luke was startled and then angry. "Oh, holy Christ. Did he not sign them? The son of a --"  
  
But Rory interrupted him before he could finish, "He's right Luke."  
  
"What?" Luke said surprised.  
  
"He's right." She said again as if just coming to this decision herself.  
  
"About what Rory?"  
  
"I need to tell him." Rory looked up at Luke, her eyes sad and frowning.  
  
Luke was thoroughly confused now, "Tell him what?" He decided to pour more coffee into her mug.  
  
"Why. I need to tell him why Luke."  
  
Luke nodded, understanding now. "Yes Rory, I think you do."  
  
Rory shook her head, "But I don't know how."  
  
"Anyway you can." Luke said. "I think that if you don't Jess will never get on with his life. I've worried about him ever since you separated.  
  
Rory looked up at Luke, confused.  
  
"He has never stopped loving you, Rory, because he doesn't know how. He needs answers, and you can give them to him."  
  
She nodded, "I should have told him a long time ago."  
  
"Yeah, you should have." Luke still wondered why they had gotten divorced himself, but he dared not ask Rory. "So he won't sign the papers until then?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then tell him."  
  
"I'm so scared." Rory's eyes were full of fear and forlornness.  
  
"Of what?" Luke asked softly.  
  
"That he'll hate me until the end of his days." Rory's voice faltered at the end. She let out a choked sob and put her head in her arms on the table.  
  
Luke placed his hand on her forearm and squeezed it reassuringly, "He could never hate you."  
  
"You can't know that. You don't know what I did." Rory said between sobs.  
  
Luke lifted Rory's head so he could look at her, her face was wet with tears. "It doesn't matter Rory. Jess doesn't know how to hate you, he wouldn't know where to begin."  
  
"But he knows how to hate." Rory said wiping her face on her sleeve.  
  
"Yes, he does." Luke said quietly, thinking of the way Jess still hated his father. "But he also knows how to love. An he learned that from you."  
  
Rory forced a smile, "And you."  
  
"I think you did most of the work." Luke said.  
  
Rory slowly stood up from her stool, she walked around the counter and embraced her coffee man. "Thank you Luke."  
  
Luke was somewhat surprised but recovered quickly and hugged her back. "You're welcome." He said.  
  
When they pulled away Rory said, "Could I have some coffee to go?"  
  
Luke nodded, "Sure."  
  
"Make that two."  
  
* * *  
"And you will only be staying one night, correct?" The clerk asked.  
  
"Yes." Rory said somewhat flustered. She just wanted to get out of here. Was that her heart beating against her chest? Or a hammer?  
  
"Will you be paying cash, credit or check?" Carl asked, which was what his name tag read.  
  
"Credit." She handed him her credit card. "Um, I will be leaving for about a half an hour right now. The doors to the hotel won't lock or anything will they?"  
  
Carl slid her card through the computer slot, "The doors will lock but you will be able to open them with your room card." He said curtly.  
  
Rory nodded, "Okay."  
  
Ten minutes later Rory was in on her way to her destination with a hotel card in her purse.  
  
She wasn't about to drive all the way back home again to Hartford. It was much too far.  
  
While the hotel was only fifteen minutes from his house.  
  
A thought nagged Rory at the back of her mind, how much should she tell him? How much was too much? And how much was enough?  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!!!! 


	11. make me hurt

AN: I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the awesome reviews!!!!!!!!!!! Here's the next chapter . . .  
make me hurt  
  
They were sitting at the kitchen table again.  
  
"Why are you doing that now?" He asked.  
  
Rory was smoothing out bread dough with a roller. Her hands were white with flour.  
  
She looked up, "Don't you want any?"  
  
"No." He shook his head.  
  
"It will be good." Rory started smoothing out the dough with her hands.  
  
Jess shook his head again, "No, I don't think so."  
  
Rory shrugged and began smoothing it out with the roller again.  
  
"Can't you do this somewhere else?" He asked.  
  
Rory didn't even look up, "Of course not."  
  
Jess looked up at the ceiling, Rory was saying something else but he decided not to listen.  
  
Why was she here again?  
  
A loud banging sound made him jump.  
  
Rory was banging the roller on the table, "You never listen."  
  
"Stop!"  
  
But she didn't stop, she kept on banging.  
  
His eyes snapped open. He was in his bedroom. The dough was gone, the kitchen was gone, and so was Rory.  
  
But the banging was still there!  
  
Someone was banging on his front door. He looked at his clock, it was 1:00. Who would be here now? He pulled himself out of bed throwing off the covers and went to the door. He looked through the peep hole.  
  
It was Rory. Holy shit. Was he still dreaming? What was she doing here?!  
  
He opened the door, "Rory . . .?" He said as she swept past him into his apartment. "What are you doing here?"  
  
She ran her hands through her tangled hair, "You said you wanted answers didn't you?"  
  
Jess was startled, "Now?" He shit the door behind him.  
  
Her hands were shaking again. Just tell him. Just tell him.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
She looked up.  
  
"How much coffee have you had?" He asked.  
  
Rory shrugged, "I don't know. Three, maybe four cups."  
  
"Oh, Jesus Rory. You shouldn't have done this now." He said, he felt around the wall until he came across the light switch and flicked it upward.  
  
Rory stared at him hard. He was only wearing boxers. His finely, chiseled chest stared back at her.  
  
Jess looked down and realized that he was half naked, "I'll go put on a shirt."  
  
Rory shrugged wearily, "It's not anything I haven't seen before."  
  
"You shouldn't have done this now." Jess said again.  
  
"Yes, I have to do this now." Rory bit her lip until she tasted blood. He was going to hate her, he'd never speak to her again. Never.  
  
Minutes went by before either of them spoke.  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"Yeah?" He looked up at her.  
  
"Do you remember that weekend Lane and I took to go to the spa?" She asked. Now that the moment had finally came she was somewhat calm. Her hands had stopped shaking at least.  
  
Jess had a thoughtful expression on his face and then it dawned on him, "Oh, yeah. I do."  
  
Rory said something so softly that he didn't hear. She stared at the door behind him.  
  
"What was that?" Jess asked slowly moving towards her.  
  
"We didn't go to the spa." She said louder this time.  
  
Jess narrowed his eyes, "Where did you go?"  
  
Rory took a deep breath, "We went somewhere else."  
  
"Where?" Jess asked placing his hands on her forearms.  
  
She still wouldn't look at him. "We didn't go to the spa."  
  
"I know that Rory, where did you go instead?" Jess tried to keep a hold of his patience. She had cheated on him. They had gone somewhere so she could cheat on him.  
  
A tear fell down Rory's face, "I was so scared. I wanted you to be there but you weren't." She leaned into him. "It was all so white."  
  
Jess slowly put his arms around her.  
  
"I should have told you." Rory said into his shoulder.  
  
"It's okay." Jess said rubbing her back. It felt so good to hold her again.  
  
"I didn't know what to do, we didn't have enough money." Rory tightened her hold on him. "Please forgive me. Please."  
  
"For what Rory?" Jess said.  
  
"Please don't hate me. I don't think I could stand it."  
  
Jess squeezed his eyes shut and held her tight, "I would never hate you Rory. Never."  
  
Rory slowly pulled away, looking at the ground. She wiped her face again that night with her sleeve. "I . . . we went to . . ." Rory trailed off and then did the bravest thing she'd ever done in her whole life. She looked straight into his eyes. "I had an abortion."  
  
For a moment there was complete silence in the room.  
  
And then Jess stepped back, his eyes wide with shock. "You what . . .?" He stared at her. She what?? A fucking abortion? He had never expected this.  
  
Rory shook her head, "We had barely enough money for ourselves. We couldn't afford a baby. We had talked about it . . . I mean I know we both wanted kids so badly, but we had both decided to wait. . . and, and I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to worry you." The rest, what was the rest? Should she tell him? Would he understand? What was the rest??!!!  
  
"You what . . . ?" Jess said again. He didn't know what else to say. He'd never expected this, never. What would their life be like now? Would they have a son? A daughter? Would she have beautiful blue eyes like her mother? Would . . .  
  
"I had an abortion Jess. I killed our baby." Rory's eyes had turned a dark blue, they were filled with total grief and sorrow. "I'm sorry."  
  
Jess couldn't look at her so he looked everywhere else. At the door, the couch, the T.V, the ground. This can't be happening. They could have been a family. He could have been a father . . .  
  
"Please say something Jess." Rory just stood there, not knowing what to do.  
  
Jess stared at the ground, "I think I need to be alone right now." He could have been a father?  
  
"I understand." Rory said quietly as she backed away. She reached into her purse and pulled out the divorce papers. "You'll probably be wanting these."  
  
Jess looked up and watched blankly as she placed the papers on the coffee table. They looked old and wrinkled, as though they had been read too many times.  
  
He continued to stare at the papers as he heard the door open and then shut with a click.  
  
Right now. They could have had a family. A family. Maybe they would have had even more children. He would have been a father. A father.  
  
He didn't look up until he heard footsteps walking down the hallway away from him.  
  
A father to a child. A dad to a son. A daddy to a daughter. A father? Him? A . . . father?  
  
The room was empty. He was alone.  
  
Again.  
  
****************************************************  
  
A phone rang in the distance.  
  
It rang again.  
  
It was three in the morning! Who would be calling now?  
  
Lane groaned as she searched for the phone on her bed stand.  
  
"Damn." She whispered when she knocked over a glass of water. She picked up the phone and held it to her ear, "Hello?" She said groggily.  
  
"I did it." Rory's voice came through the line.  
  
Lane furrowed her eyebrows, "Huh?"  
  
"I told him."  
  
Lane shot up in bed, suddenly awake. "Jess?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh, shit Rory. Are you okay? What happened?" She asked loudly.  
  
"I think I'll be okay. He just told me to leave."  
  
"He told you to leave?!" Lane almost shouted. Mathew rolled over beside her and she lowered her voice, "What do you mean he told you to leave?"  
  
"He just said that he needed some time alone, so I left."  
  
"That bastard! After everything you went through!" Lane paused to lower her voice again. "Oh, man Rory, do you wanna come over? You really told him everything? Jesus, Mary and Joseph." Lane made the sign of the cross across her chest.  
  
"I'm at a hotel right now right outside his town, I don't think I'm up to the drive at this point." Rory said quietly.  
  
"Do you want me to come there?"  
  
"Lane, no, of course not. I'll be fine." Rory sounded as though she was trying to convince herself the same thing.  
  
"Okay, but you come over here as soon as you're ready, okay?" Lane told her.  
  
"Alright, thanks Lane. Sorry to call you so late." Rory's voice faltered through the phone, "I just needed someone to talk to."  
  
"I know, hon. You can call me anytime, you know that."  
  
"Yeah, I do."  
  
"Rory get some sleep, okay? I'll be here in the morning."  
  
"Thanks Lane. Love you."  
  
"Love you too. See you tomorrow."  
  
"Bye."  
  
Lane held onto the phone long after Rory hung up, listening to the dial tong.  
  
Her worries started anew. What would happen now?  
  
****************************************************  
  
"How was English today?" Sara asked as she stopped by Katie's locker.  
  
Katie knitted her eyebrows, "It wasn't so bad." She shrugged, "He told us the quiz wouldn't count and he apologized for acting like an ass on Friday."  
  
"Swearing." Sara reminded her. Katie was trying to give up her habit of swearing every two seconds to no avail  
  
"No, but he really did say that. He called himself an ass." Katie protested.  
  
Sara laughed, "Okay."  
  
Katie closed her locker and turned to her friend, "But it was weird, he acting so . . . so gloomy. I guess." Katie shook her head, "I don't know how to explain it, he just wasn't himself."  
  
"Do you think it would be safe to ask him for a book list?"  
  
Katie rolled her eyes, "You and your book lists."  
  
"Hey! I like to read!"  
  
"I know, and yeah I think it would."  
  
"Alright, see you at lunch." Sara said as she walked to English class.  
  
"See ya." Katie ran down the hallway in the opposite direction.  
  
At the end of English class Sara made the decision not to ask Mr. Mariano for the book list. Katie was right, he did look gloomy. Broody almost.  
  
The bell rang and she made her way out of the classroom but his voice stopped her.  
  
"Sara, come here for a second."  
  
Sara bit her lip and went to his desk. She stood there, waiting.  
  
Mr. Mariano shuffled through his papers until he found the one he was looking for, "I found you a list of books. I didn't make it, but I thought you'd like it." He handed it to her.  
  
Somewhat surprised Sara took it from him, "Thank you." She studied it, it had been torn out of a magazine. And the top it was titled, "Books I Loved While Growing Up With Teenage Hormones.". Below was the title with a list of the author's top fifty books. Sara grinned, "This is really great."  
  
Mr. Mariano gave her a small smile, "I thought you'd like it."  
  
Sara noticed the bags under his eyes, she quickly looked back down at the article, scanning for the authors name. She found it: Rory G. Mariano. Her eyebrows shot up, "Are you related to the author?" She looked up in time to see him wince.  
  
Mr. Mariano shifted uncomfortably in his chair, "I was." He said.  
  
"Oh." Sara put the article in her folder, "Well, thanks again Mr. Mariano."  
  
"No, problem, see you tomorrow."  
  
Sara said, "Bye." As she walked out of the classroom.  
  
Would she ever figure her English teacher out?  
  
Probably not.  
  
And who was this Rory G. Mariano?  
  
AN: Hey I'm so sorry this chapter is so short, but I promise I'll be updating in a couple of days guaranteed!! Anyway, I really hoped you liked it, PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	12. far and few

AN: I wanted to thank everyone for all of the really awesome reviews!! They've been so great! I can't thank you all enough, they really help. ~Kay  
  
far and few  
  
Ryan decided to wait another fifteen minutes before he left.  
  
He was pissed off. Every Thursday they usually had take out together.  
  
She should have been home two hours ago, he didn't understand. Where was she? It seemed like he'd been asking that question often lately. Too often.  
  
As he sat on her porch he realized that he still didn't have a key to her house. Don't couples usually have each others keys by the time they're engaged? They didn't. He had offered his, but she had refused.  
  
The take out Thai food was cold beside him. Lorelai had told him awhile ago that Rory loved Thai take out, but for some reason he had never seen her eat it. He thought he would surprise her. So much for that.  
  
He was about to leave when a pair of headlights coming up the driveway blinding him.  
  
He watched as Rory stepped out of her car with her briefcase in hand, her heels clicked the ground as she made her way up the sidewalk. She was looking down and didn't see him until she was almost to the porch. She looked up, her face surprised and bewildered.  
  
"Ryan?" Her eyebrows were knitted in confusion, "What are you doing here?"  
  
"We usually do takeout Thursdays? Remember?." Ryan said, "But you're late."  
  
Rory gave him a small smile and stepped up onto the porch with him, but she looked slightly confused. "I'm sorry I didn't know we were doing it tonight, we never talked about it. I worked late tonight on my column." She kissed his cheek.  
  
Ryan only nodded and picked up the bag, "We'll just have to heat it up." He tired to hide his annoyance with her.  
  
Rory eyed the bag, "What is it?"  
  
"Thai take out." Ryan said and made his way into the house.  
  
Rory frowned at his back, "But I don't like Thai."  
  
Ryan's frown matched hers as he turned to her, "But you mom told me you did."  
  
"I did when I was younger." Rory said slowly. She walked into the kitchen and placed her briefcase on the counter. "But I don't anymore."  
  
Ryan sighed and placed the bag on the kitchen table, "Won't you just try it?"  
  
Rory shook her head, "I really don't like it anymore."  
  
"Fine." Ryan grabbed the bag and put it in the fridge, "I'll eat it later. Would you like me to make you something?"  
  
"Listen Ry," Rory rubbed her aching temples, she had a nasty headache. "I really don't feel well, I had been planning on spending the night alone. I appreciate all this, but I have a terrible headache."  
  
Ryan scowled, "What has been up with you lately?"  
  
She looked at him surprised, "Nothing has."  
  
Ryan snorted, "Yeah, right."  
  
"I'm just not feeling well is all." Rory said firmly.  
  
Ryan shook his head, "It's not that. You just haven't been acting like yourself."  
  
Rory began assembling the coffee ingredients in the coffee maker, "I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"Has he signed the papers yet?" Ryan asked for what seemed like the twentieth time in the past two weeks.  
  
"No." Rory answered, almost surprised with the sudden change in subject.  
  
"Jesus!" Ryan exclaimed, "When is he going to do it? How bitter is he?"  
  
"It's more complicated then that." Rory turned the coffee maker on and the water began to drip.  
  
"How so?" Ryan asked.  
  
"It's a long story, Ryan." The way she said it meant drop it.  
  
But he didn't, "Well, I have all night."  
  
Rory turned on him, "Well, I don't. Please, Ryan just let it go, he'll sign them when he signs them."  
  
"That's not good enough Rory!"  
  
"It's good enough for me."  
  
Ryan slumped down in one of the kitchen chairs, "Sometimes it seems like you don't want to be here."  
  
Rory looked at him, confused, "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"I mean that sometimes it feels like you don't want to get married."  
  
Rory looked shocked, "How can you even say that?"  
  
Ryan shrugged, "Easily. It just seems like you're not all there."  
  
"I know that I haven't been lately." Rory said and sat down beside him, her voice sounded defeated. "Everything with Jess has just been so complicated lately." She put her head in her hands and sighed. "It's been so hard."  
  
"Why has it been hard Rory?"  
  
"You wouldn't understand." As soon as Rory said those words she regretted them. Now she was in for it.  
  
Rage coursed through Ryan, he clenched his teeth. "First it's "a long story" and now it's "you wouldn't understand". Why won't you just tell me what's wrong?" He balled his fists in anger. "Maybe then I would."  
  
Rory shook her head, "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't say that Rory. I just want to know what's going on."  
  
Rory didn't answer, she continued to stare at the table. This one was new, it hadn't been theirs. She noticed she'd been doing that a lot lately, remembering what had been theirs and what was new. Ryan's voice brought her back to the real world.  
  
"You don't tell me anything Rory. I don't even know why you divorced Jess."  
  
Rory stood up and poured herself a coffee, it didn't even fill her mug a quarter of the way, but she chugged it down anyway.  
  
"You see what I mean? You pull away whenever I mention that! Why won't you tell me Rory?"  
  
"Because it's not your place to know." Rory said.  
  
"It's not my place to know?" Ryan bellowed. "I'm your God damn fiancé!"  
  
Rory winced, her head hurt so bad. Why did he have to yell? "Don't push me Ryan." She made her voice firm and steady although she felt weak and wrung out.  
  
"Why won't you tell me?" He shouted.  
  
This time Rory shouted back, "Because I've only just told him! Okay?!" She paused and it looked as though she was about to cry but she held back, "I've only just told him." She said softly. She took a deep breath.  
  
Ryan stared at her, "You mean he never knew why you wanted a divorce until now?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Silence filled the room for a few minutes. Only the sound of a cricket could be heard.  
  
He went to her, "I'm sorry I was such a jerk."  
  
Rory forced a smile, 'It's okay."  
  
He took her in his arms and just held her for awhile. When he pulled away he said, "Why don't you go upstairs and lie down. I'll bring you up a bowl of soup."  
  
This time Rory's smile was genuine, "That would be wonderful." She kissed him gently.  
  
Ryan watched as she walked out of the kitchen. He turned away and stared at the floor, he couldn't help but feel that something wasn't right.  
****************************************************  
  
Rory stared up at the ceiling, or what would be her ceiling if she could see it. She liked the dark best. She hated bright colors. Like white. She didn't like that color at all.  
  
Ryan had left an hour ago thinking that she had fallen asleep. But she really hadn't, she just wanted to be alone. She had pretended to be asleep to get rid of him.  
  
What kind of person was she turning in to? Pretending to be asleep to get rid of her fiancé? It wasn't right, Rory sighed and turned over in bed. He had been so understanding too. Ryan was always understanding, in fact tonight was the first time they had ever really fought.  
  
She remembered the fights she used to have with Jess before their marriage fell apart. The make ups were always the best. Rory smiled.  
  
Jess was the only man she had ever given herself to. She couldn't bring herself to have sex with Ryan, because that's what it would be- having sex. It wouldn't be making love as it had with Jess because she didn't love Ryan. And that was that. They had come close so many times until they were both naked and holding each other in bed, but each time Rory made him stop saying that she wanted to wait until they were married. But that wasn't true, it's not like she was a firm believer in any religion. She and Jess made love before they were married.  
  
No, it was because every time they were even close to sex, Rory was bombarded by all these horrible images. Images that tore at her heart and soul until she could no longer breath. They had never been like that before. Even before the separation with Jess, she had only stopped him from making love because of the guilt.  
  
These images were new and unwanted.  
  
Sometimes she missed making love with Jess, it had been so long since she had.  
  
Jealousy and bitterness coursed through her as she wondered if Jess had slept with anyone throughout their separation. Probably. He couldn't be deprived of sex for long.  
  
She felt like crying, thinking of him making love to someone else. Kissing someone else, holding someone else, caressing someone else, whispering soft words into someone else's ear. She hated the thought of his soft lips against someone else's other than hers, hating the thought of him loving someone else.  
  
She clutched the covers against her and Rory thought of the blonde beauty she had seen him with in the hallway of his apartment, they had probably come up to do it in his bed.  
  
In their bed. Jess had gotten their bed. Rory missed that bed; sharing it with him.  
  
She would never be able to share anything with Jess again. Not after what happened. Not now that she had told him. It had been five days since then and he still hadn't called.  
  
Rory was scared out of her mind. Scared that he would call. Scared that he would never call. Scared that he would never want to see her again.  
****************************************************  
He still couldn't understand how he ended up here. Would he ever? He thought he would after this one question had been answered, but he didn't. He was simply more confused.  
  
Rory wouldn't do something like that, not for money, never for money. There must be something else. There HAD to be something else. There were pieces missing to her story that he wanted filled.  
  
He jammed his hands in his pockets and stared at the sidewalk below him as his feet dragged along. Don't step on the crack or you'll break your mothers back. He avoided the cracks, an old childhood game. But he knew what it was like to fall head first into a crack, a fissure in life. One that you almost drown in, struggling with everything your worth to keep your head above water.  
  
He wondered if he was still drowning. Wondered if he would ever manage to keep his head above water before being dunked back under once again with something like this.  
  
A father. Jess let out a laugh. A very bitter laugh, forced and strangled. What kind of father would he have made anyway? Not a very good one. So there was no loss right? Right. After all, it was a good thing Rory killed their only child, he might have turned out to be like is own father. Deserting his family when times got rough. He could forgive her, it's not like it mattered.  
  
Jess reached into his pocket and pulled out a package of cigarettes freshly bought from the corner market only ten minutes ago. He stopped walking abruptly and leaned against a tree opening to the town park. He struck a match and lit the cigarette. He had started smoking again last Sunday, the day after she told him. But he still wasn't used to the taste yet. Not even close, it still surprised him.  
  
He stared at it for a moment, contemplating its meaning. Second hand smoking is not good for children. Lung cancer can result. But oh wait, that doesn't matter anyway.  
  
A bitter taste filled his mouth that was so overpowering that he quickly drew the burning cigarette away from his mouth with a horrible look upon his face. He felt twelve again, a memory of taking his first taste in the alley behind his apartment building swirled within his mind like the smoke curling from the red tip. Had he actually smoked these?  
  
Yes he had. He brought it back up to his mouth and inhaled once again. He could get use to this. The nicotine was already flooding into his bloodstream, calm him down, calm him down.  
  
Who deserted who anyway? Maybe he would have turned out to be his father, leaving his wife and child behind. Couldn't find out now anyway. But somehow in the back off his mind Jess knew he could never, would never.  
  
Rory deserted him, not the other way around.  
  
No, he knew what it was like to be deserted. Twice. He could never do that to another human being, especially one he loved.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Empty. It was empty. The hangers hung bare in the closet. The drawers held no Harvard sweatshirts, or Hello Kitty t-shirts. He never thought he would miss tripping over high heeled shoes or hanging up the towels neatly in the bathroom. But he did.  
  
Jess lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling stained with only God knows what. He put his hands behind his head, his life was completely empty. Devoid of anything real. Luke kept telling him to move to another town, find another job, get on with your life, but he couldn't. How could he leave the only home he had ever truly loved?  
  
He knew he was clinging to nothing, but he couldn't help it. The phone rang beside him but he didn't fell much like answering it. He wondered what she was feeling like right now. He wondered if she could read anything at all, did all her books remind her of him? Could she eat Thai take out without being overcome with the intense urge to weep? Did she still take her wedding ring out everyday and wonder what went wrong? Did she put it on her finger over and over again until finally flinging it across the room? And did she then scramble to find it? Did she remember that their five year anniversary was in two weeks?  
  
Could she still feel her heart?  
  
The phone rang for the second time. And then a third. And then a fourth.  
  
When it rang the fifth time Jess finally rolled over and said, "What?"  
  
A disgruntled voice answered. "Do you ever answer your phone?"  
  
"What is it?" Jess asked impatiently sitting up slowly.  
  
"I've found you a new job."  
  
Jess was about to give him a curt reply, but Luke beat him to it. "Listen okay? Just listen. It's an English Literature job in Pennington New York. Public high school. Uhh . . . you'll have five classes and you'll be the moderator of the school news paper." Luke rambled. "And it's a small town, very Stars Hollowesque. A nice library that I'm sure you'll enjoy." Luke paused and Jess could hear him shuffling through papers.  
  
"Okay, wait a minute. Now I know you can't get all of this information from a newspaper ad." Jess said somewhat annoyed.  
  
"Oh yeah, I know. I called the school."  
  
"Luke, I do not need you running my life!"  
  
"Now listen here Jess. Someone needs to because you're doing a shitty job at it. I think you should give this a chance., you need get over her!"  
  
"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." Jess said into the phone, his knuckles were white from clutching it so tightly.  
  
Luke snorted. "All you do is work, eat and mope. Get over it. It's been four months already and you haven't even tried to move on with your life. And it's never gunna happen if you don't move out of that God damn apartment and that God damn city!!"  
  
"I grew up here."  
  
"That's not the point. You're only there to hold on to anything you can of Rory. Move on Jess. You need to get on with you're life, bring some meaning into it again."  
  
Jess sighed and pressed the heel of his hand against an eye. He said, "My life can never make sense without her."  
  
"That's a load of horse shit." Luke said exasperated. "You're pissing me off again, so when you feel like hearing about this new job let me know." And with that he hung up.  
  
Jess laid back again on his bed and stared once again at the ceiling. Who did he think he was anyway, trying to control his life like that? He could move on if he wanted to, he just didn't feel like it yet.  
  
'I don't love you.' Words, words, words. How could they cut him so deeply? What was love anyway? He didn't need it.  
  
Jess called Luke back two minutes later.  
  
*Present*  
  
He ground the small cigarette bud under his toe until every spark had burnt out. His life did make sense without her. It's just that there was always something missing. But it wasn't empty, simply half full.  
  
There was something missing. Jess was sure of that now. Rory wouldn't do that. She couldn't. She wasn't a killer, especially when it came to her own child. They had been talking of having children as soon as they made more money. So why would she have had an abortion just when Jess had gotten a better paying job? It didn't add up.  
  
On the way back home he bought a carton of nicotine at the same corner store.  
  
AN: Hey, I hope you liked this chapter!!! Please review and let me know if you did or didn't!! 


	13. it is me that you own

AN: Hi everyone! Here's the next chapter and I'm really hoping that you'll like it! Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed!! They've been really awesome. I especially want to thank EvilEmmy and to let her know that I don't think you're insane at all and I really enjoyed your review. And to Imonadiet who also gave me a really great review. And of course I would also like to thank again Lauramariano (Julie) for all of your fantastic reviews and suggestions that you have given me!!! . ~Kay  
  
.  
it is me that you own  
  
"What are you going to do?"  
  
The air was completely still, it hung so thick that it felt almost tangible. His mouth was parched from speaking so fast and quickly, he licked his lips in an attempt to moisten them. But they simply became more chapped. He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know." He said.  
  
Luke stared imploringly back at him and folded his arms over his chest. "Did you leave anything out?" He asked.  
  
Sighing Jess shook his head and said, "Not a thing."  
  
They were in the storage room at the diner. Jess thought it could really do with some windows. There was sweat running down his back, and his heart was racing. It felt like he couldn't get enough air. Or maybe it was just because he had finally spoken of it aloud.  
  
Luke furrowed his eyebrows and said, "Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like something is missing."  
  
Jess tipped his head up and looked at the ceiling, "Thank you! I thought I was going crazy." He rubbed his forehead. "I thought the same after I really considered the whole thing. I mean, Rory just wouldn't do something like that . . .would she?"  
  
Luke shook his head, "No. She wouldn't have done that even if you had been living in a box on the side of the road."  
  
"Exactly!" Jess said frustrated. "I don't get it!" He leaned against the shelf behind him. He felt the wood jutting hard into his back, but it didn't bother him. He could barely feel it. Sighing he said, "What do you think that I should do?"  
  
Luke stuffed his hands into his pockets and leaned back on his heels. There was a moments silence where Luke thought this over in a slow, deliberate way. Finally he answered, "I don't think I should really answer that question. This is your life, not mine."  
  
"I knew you were going to say that." Jess said almost rolling his eye. "If you could just give me some advice Luke . . .I really just don't know what to do." He dropped his head and stared at the ground.  
  
"Well, have you forgiven her?"  
  
"I could never hold anything against her. I forgave her a long time ago."  
  
Luke nodded understandingly. "I think maybe you should talk to her."  
  
Horrible images started to run through Jess's mind. The real reasons Rory had an abortion, reasons that he didn't want to know or hear put into words. Imagining them didn't make it real. He didn't want them to be real. "I. . .I don't know if I want the truth." He said slowly, he looked away from Luke ashamed.  
  
"For Peat's sake, why wouldn't . . ." But Luke trailed off as if he understood what Jess was thinking. He paused to stuff his hands into his pockets. "You're scared of the truth."  
  
"More than anything." He waved a hand in the air, "Luke, if the abortion wasn't the whole truth, then what is? What could possibly be worse then what she has already told me? I just don't know if I want to hear it. It's bad enough already."  
  
"Yeah, but you can't wonder about it for the rest of your life. You've been doing that for the past three years."  
  
Jess nodded, "I know that." He said. "I just need some time."  
  
"Then take some time. But just don't take three years, okay?" Luke put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't kill your self like that again."  
  
Jess looked him in the eye, "I'm not about to do that again."  
  
Nodding Luke gave his shoulder a small fatherly squeeze and then jerked his head to the doorway. "C'mon." He said, "You can help me out with the dinner crowd."  
  
"What makes you think I'm gunna do that?" Jess asked and smirked.  
  
Luke walked out of the storage room, "It'll take your mind off of her." He called back, and then he was gone.  
  
Maybe it would take his mind off of her. Nothing else had, but it was worth a try.  
  
****************************************************  
  
"Kimmy! Stop that!" Lane scolded her oldest daughter as she jumped into the nearest mud puddle spraying everyone with small flecks of brown goo.  
  
Kimmy smiled toothily and sprinted away toward the play ground.  
  
"Keep an eye on her." Lane said warningly to Thomas who was standing next to her.  
  
"Okay Mom." And with that Thomas sprinted away too calling after Kimmy to wait up.  
  
Lane sighed and looked around her, searching for Melanie. It was Friday and they were at James' baseball game, it had been a very stressful week and all she wanted to do was go home. "Hey Mel! Where are you?" Lane called out.  
  
A giggle came from behind her, "I'm right here Mommy!" And out popped Melanie from the back of a car.  
  
Lane held out her hand, "Come on babe. Let's go."  
  
"I hate baseball." Melanie said as she put her small hand in Lane's.  
  
The backpack on Lane's back was digging into her shoulder, she readjusted it. "I know Mel, but this is your brothers game. Besides Uncle Jess is going to be here."  
  
A pair of wide eyes stared up at her. "Really?"  
  
Lane smiled, "Yeah hon. I told you that this morning remember?" God this backpack was uncomfortable. Lane shrugged her shoulders up and down, trying to find a comfortable position. In her right hand was Melanie, in the left were two lawn chairs. She loved to watch her son play baseball, but Christ, was it a pain to get there.  
  
Melanie squinted against the bright sun, staring down at the field which was littered with small boys throwing baseballs and parents edged out around it. She pointed, "Look there he is!" She squealed and began to run down the slope that led to the field shouting, "Uncle Jess! Uncle Jess!"  
  
Her bright pink dress billowed behind her in the wind like a balloon. She was almost to Jess when she tripped up a bit and fell to her knees, but she was on her feet again quickly yelling, "Hello!"  
  
Jess was grinning as he swooped her up into his arms and twirled her around. "How's it going Mellie?" He asked as he held her in his arms.  
  
She linked her hands around his neck, "Good. I'm taking ballet now! Did Aunt Rory tell you?"  
  
Jess' grin faltered a little, but he quickly said. "No, but your Mom did."  
  
A big smile appeared on her face. "At the end of the year, we're going to have a . . .a. . ." She furrowed her eyebrows thinking hard.  
  
"A recital." Lane finished for her. She had just caught up with them. She dropped the backpack and chairs to the ground in relief.  
  
Melanie nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah a rital! Will you come?" She asked Jess staring at him carefully with large eyes.  
  
"You know it!" Exclaimed Jess.  
  
Lane stared at Jess thoughtfully, "How are you doing?" She asked softly.  
  
"As well as to be expected." He said and then changed the subject, "Where is everybody?" He looked around for the rest of the kids.  
  
"Mathew and James are out on the field practicing, they always get here before us." Lane leaned over to unfold the chairs. "Kimmy and Thomas are already at the playground."  
  
At that moment a certain blonde haired boy came scurrying over, a streak of dirt ran across his face. "Uncle Jess!" He cried, grinning eagerly. "You came!"  
  
Jess lowered Melanie to the ground who had begun to squirm. "I said I would didn't I?" He asked and ruffled James' hair.  
  
James punched his hand into his mitt, "We're gunna beat their butts so bad! They're not gunna know what hit them!" He scowled and tried to put on a mean look. But it didn't really work on such a sweet face.  
  
"Oh yeah, and who told you that?" Lane asked already knowing the answer.  
  
"Dad did!" James cried. And then he looked around, searching for someone. "Where's Aunt Rory?" He asked.  
  
Noticing that Jess had flinched Lane quickly replied, "She couldn't come, remember? I told you that hon."  
  
"Ohhh." He said understandingly. Then he looked at Jess with a confused expression, "But you're here." He said fervently.  
  
"I don't see much of your Aunt Rory anymore." Jess said. Why did her name always come up when he was around these kids?  
  
Lane put her hands on her hips. "James Patrick we've talked about this too many times now! Aunt Rory and Uncle Jess are not together anymore!"  
  
"Oh yeah!" James laughed at his forgetfulness. "You told me that last night. Well," he said punching into his mitt again, "I have to go work my stuff." Ands with that he ran off not knowing the damage he had caused in one innocent question.  
  
The breeze filtered through Lane's hair. She bit her lip and looked at Jess, "Sorry about that." She said concerned. "They always just put you two together . . .I've tried so many times to explain it to them. It's mostly just Mel and James-"  
  
Jess cut her off, "It's okay Lane. I know it's hard for them to understand." He sat down on the other chair, "Don't worry about it."  
  
Lane looked relieved. "So are you're sure you're doing all right?"  
  
Jess shrugged, "I'll be okay. But I'd rather not talk about it just yet."  
  
"Okay." Lane said easily.  
  
A moment later the umpire blew his whistle and the game began. Kimmy, Thomas and Melanie came running over from the playground to watch their brother play third base. Melanie sat herself on Jess's lap, wiggling around and making a disturbance as she pleased.  
  
"What's that?" She asked pointing at the book bulging in Jess's pocket.  
  
He pulled it out and showed it to her. He said, "The book I'm reading right now."  
  
"Oh." Melanie took the book and squinted at it. "Is it good?"  
  
"Yeah." He said.  
  
"What's it says?" She asked holding it up in front of him.  
  
"It's called 'There's a certain slant of light'."  
  
She wrinkled her forehead, "What's that mean?"  
  
There was a crack of a bat hitting a baseball and then the scream of Lane beside him. She had jumped out of her seat and was yelling her head off. "Go James!!! Yeah!!! Awesome throw buddy." She pumped her fists into the air and stamped her feet. "You show them who's got the right stuff!"  
  
Jess raised his eyebrows, "Got the right stuff?" He whispered to the kids.  
  
Thomas rolled his eye. "And she's only just started. I HATE it when she does this at my soccer games."  
  
"And my hockey." Kimmy said folding her arms.  
  
Grinning Jess leaned back in his chair. "Hope she doesn't do that at your recital." He said to Melanie.  
  
Melanie shook her head eagerly, "Nuh-ut. Not at MY rital."  
  
Lane plopped back down I her chair and Jess gave her a look. "What?" She said shrugging. "So I get a little over excited!"  
  
"A little? Mom you're wacko!" Kimmy said exasperated.  
  
"You can say that again." Piped Thomas.  
  
Jess chuckled, "Yeah really. I never thought I would see you get this excited at a sports event Kim."  
  
Lane narrowed her eyes and said grumpily, "So what if I'm a soccer mom?! I'm proud of it!"  
  
"Mom! This is baseball if you haven't noticed!" Thomas sighed and shook his head. He mumbled under his breath, "Mothers . . ."  
  
"I know what this is! It's just an expression. And I'll cheer as much as I want for my children."  
  
"Sing it sister." Jess said sarcastically.  
  
Lane simply gave him another look and went back to watching the game.  
  
There was silence for the next few minutes, except for Lane's cheering, as they watched the other team score two runs. Jess stared down at the small figure sitting happily in his lap. Her jet black hair gleamed and rippled in the sun, he ran his hand through it finding it to be very warm. Looking across the field Jess thought of something he had forced himself to forget throughout the entire afternoon. He was surrounded by children he had loved since the moment they were born, yet none were his.  
  
Would he have been a good father? Would he have loved them? Would they have loved him back? Would he have raised them right? A heavy sigh escaped from his lips causing Melanie to look up at him and grin. He tried to grin back but he couldn't, he just couldn't.  
  
He . . . or she would have been the same age. Maybe she would have danced ballet . . . or he would have played baseball. Maybe the small person in his lap could have been his own.  
  
Maybe instead of a just being a godfather, he could have been a father.  
  
****************************************************  
  
The sun shined through the tree causing certain slants of light to hit the window pane. Each was a radiant broken piece of its own, she traced them with her fingers. Footsteps thundered down the stairs to her left, but she didn't move, she continued to hurt her eyes by staring at the luminous fragments of light.  
  
A voice called out from behind her, "Hey, Ror its time to go." It was Ryan  
  
She pressed her palm against the warm window and stared out at the tree. Its leaves ruffled in the wind, sighing and swaying.  
  
A hand found its way onto her shoulder and squeezed, "You okay?" Ryan asked.  
  
As the leaves shifted in the wind so did the light on the window. Rory watched as it moved across the window pane, swirls of golden sunlight. "Ryan?" She said.  
  
"Yes?" He came to stand next to her.  
  
"Do you think I would have been a good mother?" She asked slowly. A bird swooped down from the sky and landed on her maple tree.  
  
Ryan stared at her bewildered. The question had come from nowhere. Would have been a good mother? "Yes." He said.  
  
Rory finally turned to look at him, here blue eyes were surprisingly dark. "Do you really think so?" She asked imploringly.  
  
He put his hand to her cheek, "Rory, how could you think otherwise?"  
  
She turned away from him, back to the window. She didn't answer him, but stared again at the bird as it ruffled its feathers and twittered a happy tune.  
  
"You will make a great mother." He said firmly. He took her hand, "Come on, we've got to leave for Lorelai's."  
  
Rory nodded, but she still squinted against the bright sunlight to watch the robin in her tree. Suddenly she remembered something that almost made her smile, almost. "Ryan! Hope is the thing with feathers!"  
  
Ryan raised his eyebrows, "What?"  
  
Rory removed her hand from the window, it left its print behind. "Hope is the thing with feathers . . . that perches in the soul." She listened for the birds sweet tuned as it carried through the fall day. "And sings the tune without words . . .and never stops at all." She turned to Ryan. "Emily Dickinson."  
  
He sighed. "You know I hate poetry."  
  
"I know." Rory said, but she shrugged and walked back down the hallway with a lighter step. "Come on, we better go so we're not late."  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes behind her and followed her out the door.  
  
"And sweetest in the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm." Rory made her way to the car recalling the words that she hadn't heard in many years. "That could abash that little bird. . ." The words fell off her tongue like luscious sugar. She rolled them around in her mouth, testing them out and finding them to be just as syrupy sweet as they had been before. " . . .that kept so many warm."  
  
Ryan's eyebrows were still raised, "Where'd you learn that?" He asked.  
  
But Rory simply smiled and let herself into the car. "I've heard it in the chilliest land, and on the strangest sea." She started the engine, she clutched the steering wheel not wanting the poem to end. But it had to. "Yet . . . never in extremity . . . it asked a crumb from me." It seemed that every other thought had been flung from her head, she could only think of this poem and its meaning.  
  
Ryan noticed that she was staring into oblivion again. He shook her shoulder, "Rory! Let's go!"  
  
She blinked her eyes and shook her head, "Oh, right." And she backed out of the driveway.  
  
Ryan settled back in his seat and asked again, "Where did you learn that?" He asked.  
  
From Jess of course, Rory thought. She was silent as she recalled sitting in bed with him as he read from his favorite poetry book. She remembered the way it felt: wrinkled and soft around the edges, the pages smelling of her favorite person. How she had loved that book. "In school." She answered finally, she stared hard at the road in front of her.  
  
"Oh." He said.  
  
His voice came back to her suddenly, reciting honeyed words of poetry to her . . . She was sitting next to him in bed staring into his eyes as he read "My river runs to thee . . .blue sea . . .wilt welcome me?" Rory struggled to remember the rest of the words but she could not. She could only remember that each time they read from that book they had made love afterwards.  
  
She didn't want to think about that with Ryan sitting right next to her. She didn't want to think of Jess reciting beautiful words of poetry while the man next to her hated it. She didn't want to think of him at all.  
  
But she couldn't help thinking that she had screwed up their lives magnificently.  
****************************************************  
"Why does Rory still use Mariano as her pen name?"  
  
Lane was about to answer when Melanie came running up.  
  
"Thomas says the boogie man has lives under my bed and is coming tonight!" Melanie said while her eyes were popping out of their sockets.  
  
Lane rolled her eyes, "He was just fibbing Mel. There is no boogie man."  
  
Melanie let out a deep sigh, "Oh good, I'll go tell him." She ran away again.  
  
Lane turned to Jess, "She believes anything her siblings tell her."  
  
It was the eighth inning and the other team had called a time out; Thomas, Kimmy and Melanie had retreated to the playground long ago. The sun was still shining across the bases and a light breeze twirled through the air, lifting leaves gone red and shifting the grass.  
  
"Why does Rory still use Mariano as her pen name?" Jess asked again.  
  
Lane sighed, "Because when she started writing for them that's what her name was."  
  
"Oh." Jess said but he was confused, "When did she start writing for them?"  
  
"Two weeks after you separated."  
  
"And she never told me?!" Jess was shocked.  
  
Lane shrugged, "You weren't exactly speaking at that point and she never changed it because readers wouldn't recognize her." She paused, "And I think . . . I think that she almost wanted to keep a part of you close to her." She shrugged.  
  
Jess sat in silence. He couldn't believe that she had never told him.  
  
"I'm surprised you'd never asked me before this." Lane said breaking the silence.  
  
Jess shrugged, "I had never read any of her columns until a week ago."  
  
It was Lane's turn to be surprised, "You didn't?!" Her eyebrows were raised.  
  
"I was too bitter. I didn't want to have anything to do with Rory. Not a thing."  
  
Lane nodded, "I remember."  
  
"I just couldn't understand what happened. Everything had been so wonderful, and then it all fell apart and she never told me why." Jess pulled his pocket out of his pocket once again and stared at it. He felt its soft crinkled edges and frowned at its memory.  
  
"Until now."  
  
"Yeah, until now." He put the book back in his pocket.  
  
The game started up again and neither of them spoke throughout the whole inning. They watched as the other team scored a run and then struck three outs. Minutes later the ninth inning was under way.  
  
Jess finally broke the silence, "I just don't understand it! How could she have done it?"  
  
Lane gave him a disbelieving look, "Christ Jess, how could she have not? I would have done the same thing if I had been in her position. Or at least given it up for adoption, but I guess I'll never know because it happened to Rory not me."  
  
Jess stood up angrily, "Adoption?! Shit Lane, I don't care about the fucking money! It was my child! It doesn't make any sense!!"  
  
Lane looked confused, "Money? What the hell are you talking about? Jess, Rory had an abortion because she didn't even know if it was yours. She didn't find out of course until afterwards that it had been yours." Lane snorted. "Money." She repeated shaking her head.  
  
Jess simply stared at her in shock and said as slowly and as calmly as he could. "What are you talking about?" He couldn't move. Not his? Rory was cheating on him? He could barely say the words, "Rory cheated on me?"  
  
Now Lane stood up angrily, "Jess! How can you say that?! You know this wasn't her fault . . ." She stopped abruptly, her eyebrows furrowed and then she clapped her hand to her mouth. "Oh no, oh no." Her face paled as realization came across it, "Oh no, she didn't tell you everything. . . "  
  
"Yes she did! She told me she had an abortion because we didn't have enough money!" Jess threw his hands in the air and shook his head angrily.  
  
She ran her hands through her hair, "Oh, God. Oh God. I can't believe she did this! Oh Jesus have mercy."  
  
"Are you rambling prayers again? Because it's not really the time."  
  
"Jess!" Lane took him by the arms and shook him, "You need to go to her now!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Please Jess. I can't believe she did this, I really can't." Lane paused pursing her lips. "She's at Lorelai's tonight! Go to her right now."  
  
"But Lane-"  
  
"You don't understand Jess, Rory didn't have an abortion because of money! She didn't even tell you everything!" Lane said desperately.  
  
Jess swore, "I knew there was something she wasn't telling me!!!"  
  
"I'm sorry but I can't tell you. She needs to tell you, that's the only way she'll ever forgive herself!" Lane looked pained, "Please Jess just go."  
  
Jess stared at her hard, "What didn't she tell me?"  
  
"That's something you need to ask her for yourself!" Lane pushed him towards the parking lot. "Just go damn it."  
  
"Lane, please, what's going on?" Jess asked frustrated.  
  
"She needs to tell you."  
  
"She's at Lorelai's?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
He jogged to his car hoping and praying that the answer to his questions weren't what he thought them to be.  
  
AN: I realize that baseball is not during the fall but the spring, so sorry about that for anyone who caught it, I didn't even think about it until afterwards. Well, I hope you liked this chapter!! Please review! 


	14. just the scent of you

AN: I am so overwhelmed by all of the great reviews so many people have given me! They truly have been wonderful to read!! Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and keep on reviewing!! ~Kay  
  
.  
  
just the scent of you .  
  
He sat on the hood of his car watching. There were three figures through the curtains of the windows. He wondered if one of the three was him, the thought made his blood curdle.  
  
Something wasn't right. He knew that now. He knew that Rory would never give up their child because of money, how could he not of seen that before? He should have demanded to know the rest of story before she left. How could he have so little faith in her? How could she have so little faith in him?  
  
Jess rubbed his hands together and breathed hot air into them. It was the first cold night in fall, winter would be here soon. The sun was setting behind him, he would go in as soon as he could see the stars. Arrows of pink and red satin shot across the sky like shards of glass. Soon he would be able to see the stars, just a few more minutes.  
  
What more could there possible be? The abortion had been enough of a shock to him. It explained a lot of things. Like the fact she wouldn't make love with him for the last month of their marriage, every night he would reach out to her to find her back turned. Jess rubbed his forehead, so many wasted years.  
  
His shadow was slowly disappearing. Soon it would be gone, gone, gone. The sky was a light blue now in the west, turning darker, darker, and darker in the east, like her eyes. Twilight. Just a few more minutes now.  
  
Had she had that break down at work because of the abortion? Had she stopped loving him because of the abortion? Jess' thoughts were only questions. Endless questions that flew across his mind unanswered. He groped through his jacket for his pack of cigarettes. He found them and lit one.  
  
Staring up into the sky, Jess could almost make out the big dipper. He inhaled the small roll of nicotine he held between his fingers and blew it up towards the sky clouding his vision of the forming constellations. As soon as he finished this one cigarette he would go in.  
  
But it turned out that Jess would never have to walk up to that door and knock, because at that moment it opened illuminating a very familiar figure. Jess stared at Rory's silhouette in the doorway, he couldn't make out her face, but he knew she was gazing right back at him. He could feel her eyes trail over him.  
  
He slid off his car as she began to walk to him. As she came in to clearer view he saw that her arms were crossed protectively over her chest, she looked scared and nervous.  
  
Rory's eyes met his in the fading light, "Hey." She said softly.  
  
"Hey." Jess said and took a puff from his cigarette to calm his beating heart. He felt seventeen again, at the beginning of their relationship when the awkwardness still sometimes crept up on them. He could tell Rory felt it too, the past washing over them like a sheet of rain. Somehow the small wrinkles around her eyes faded away, and the sadness in her eyes disappeared like a bird on a cloudy day.  
  
Her arms fell to her side and then behind her back, she was open to him. He slid a hand in his pocket and let his cigarette fall to the ground, putting it out with his shoe. "Can we talk?" He asked.  
  
She nodded biting her lip. She let her eyes drop to the ground and then back up to him again, she held out her hand. "Jess, I-"  
  
But she was cut off when the door behind them opened again and another figure stood in the doorway, one that Jess didn't recognize. A masculine voice rang out across the yard, "Whose out there, Rory?"  
  
Suddenly Jess was thirty three again, no longer an awkward teenager with the hope of many years to come. Rory's hand dropped and the sadness in her eyes returned as quickly as it left. She turned around. "It's Jess." She called back.  
  
"Oh, what's he doing here?" He said as he came striding across the yard to meet them.  
  
Jess looked him over as soon as he could see him clearly. Aw, damn, Rory found another Dean?  
  
"He's just here to talk." Rory said as she crossed her arms again over her chest. Jess cursed Ryan for coming out here and closing Rory off to him again.  
  
Ryan put out his hand, "Hey I'm Ryan. Rory's fiancée." He said emphasizing the fiancée.  
  
Jess nodded, "I figured as much." And shook his hand. He hated him already.  
  
Well, Ryan hated him too. "So how are those divorce papers coming?"  
  
Jess turned to Rory ignoring Ryan's question, "I really need to speak with you." He paused, glanced at Ryan and added, "Alone."  
  
She stared at him, her blue eyes plunging into his own. "I know." She said.  
  
They couldn't tear their eyes away from each other, they were speaking without words. They both knew what the other was thinking. What could have been. Their family, their child, their life. In this imaginary world there were no divorce papers, no forced conversations, no Ryan's, and no lost love. Only happiness.  
  
Ryan looked from one to the other, aware of the tension . . . or was it passion? . . . between them. "Ror, dinner's ready." He said desperately trying to make her look away from him.  
  
Jess winced at the nickname, he hated it when people called her that. And so did she.  
  
Forced out of her reverie, Rory looked away towards Ryan. "Wh-what?" She said confused.  
  
"Dinner is ready." Ryan said trying to keep his temper under control.  
  
"Oh." Rory furrowed her eyebrow trying to make sense of everything. She knew Ryan was feeling very territorial, but she needed above all else to speak with Jess. "Okay, well go ahead and eat. Save some for me later though okay?" She tried her best to smile sweetly at him.  
  
"How long are you going to be?" Ryan asked glancing at Jess.  
  
Rory looked back to Jess, "I-I don't know."  
  
"Hurry back." He said and kissed her softly on the cheek, staring at Jess as he did as if to say 'See? She's mine now, stay way'. "It was nice meeting you." He said to Jess.  
  
Jess nodded curtly at him and then turned to Rory. He jerked his head into the darkness, meaning 'let's take a walk'.  
  
"Yeah, okay." She said slowly. She gave one last smile to Ryan and followed Jess down the street.  
  
Ryan watched until at last both of their figures had faded into the darkness. He felt himself stirring with jealousy. How had Rory known that Jess was out here? Ten minutes ago they had been setting the table with Lorelai when Rory had abruptly stopped and walked out the door with no explanation whatsoever.  
  
Lorelai had shrugged and said, "Leave her for a bit."  
  
But Ryan had been curious and followed her out side to find her in a fucking staring contest with her ex-husband. Actually make that husband, the divorce wasn't even final yet.  
  
A small voice in the back of his head asked him, 'Why are you marrying a woman in love with another man?' But he dismissed the thought as soon as it had entered his head, and two minutes later had already forgotten it.  
  
.  
  
AN: I am so sorry this chapter is so short, but I wanted to update something and I still have to finish the next chapter. So I hope you liked this chapter and I PROMISE that the next chapter will be updated soon! And PLEASE review whether you liked it or not. Criticism is completely welcome! 


	15. can't you see

AN: First I would like to thank everyone again for their reviews. When I don't feel like writing all I have to do is read those reviews and they make me want to write chapters and chapters. They have been so wonderful!  
  
I would especially like to thank certain people who have given me the most awesome reviews, better then I could have ever imagined. ** To lauramariano- for all of your incredible suggestions and reviews, you have helped me along with this lit so much that it probably wouldn't have been half as good without your help. Thank you!!! ** To Genevah- for all the marvelous reviews you have given me, it kind of inflated my ego at one point, but it felt really great! So thanks! **To Evilemmy- I was laughing my ass off over your review!!! As much as I hate Ryan, I unfortunately cannot have him torn apart by a pack of dogs, but it's a nice thought. And thanks so much for all the awesome compliments!! ** To Nanny and all of her "muppet babies"- your reviews were really LONG but really great!! Thanks!! ****And to all of my other reviewers, thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~Kay~  
  
.  
  
can't you see  
  
The silence was so pronounced that the sound of the gravel beneath their feet echoed off the trees surrounding them. They had walked all the way to the park without saying a word to each other. So many times had Jess opened his mouth to speak and then quickly shut it. He was petrified to ask her. She wasn't even sure if it had been his? But in the end it had been? Had she really cheated on him? Did he really want these questions answered? Not really, but he knew he needed them.  
  
With the bridge in sight, their old meeting ground, Jess finally drew a breath. "How could you think that I would have so little faith in you?"  
  
Rory almost stopped walking, his sudden question broke the silence that she was hoping would never end. She stammered with her answer, "I-I don't know. . .what you mean."  
  
Jess reached into his coat pocket and drew out his cigarettes once again. "Yes you do."  
  
Rory watched as he lit one and took a drag. She almost wished that she could too, she needed a stress reliever. "You're smoking again." She stated.  
  
He raised his eyebrows, "I started last Sunday." He said, meaning the day after she broke the news to him. "And don't change the subject."  
  
They had reached the bridge, and Rory stared across the dark pond, there was no moon tonight. "I don't think that."  
  
The smoke curled from under his nose and disappeared into the darkness above. "Yes you do."  
  
"Jess, I don't understand." Rory faltered, she couldn't think of anything else to say.  
  
"Don't play games with me Rory." He waved his cigarette in the air, the red glow of its tip drawing in the darkness. "Lane told me what you so conveniently forgot to say."  
  
It felt as though someone had dumped a bucket of ice cold water over her head. The blood in her veins turned cold, how could she possibly move? Her very best friend had betrayed her? The only real connection left that she had in this world had broken her vow? Her hand flew to her chest to make sure her heart was still beating, her throat closed and it became hard to breathe. It felt like hours before she made a strangled sound and finally brought the oxygen back to her lungs. When she finally found her voice she said, "She-she told you every. . .everything?" Her knees had turned to jelly, she was going to collapse any second now.  
  
Jess turned to her and stared, "Rory, you would never give up our child even if we were living in the streets. Don't lie to me." He looked out towards the pond, "I could always tell, but that was when you loved me." He paused and flicked his already finished cigarette into the murky water, "I can't tell anymore, so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't."  
  
Rory didn't answer, she needed to sit. Vaguely she could hear a cricket chirping behind her, and a firefly danced freely by her side, but this beauty was lost to her in the deafening sound of Jess' cruel voice. "All I want is the full explanation." Jess said.  
  
Slowly she lowered herself to the ground and tried to take control of her emotions. Her hands shook against the soft, weathered wood below her. She brought her knees to her chest and laid her head on them; curled up in a ball she stared at Jess's pants. He used to wear those to work a lot, saying that they had large pockets for books, Rory remembered vaguely.  
  
Jess sighed and stared down at her. She looked so childlike and innocent. If anyone saw her they would never believe that she had reeked havoc on his life. "Rory, please." He tried again, he couldn't keep the frustration out of his voice.  
  
"I never meant for it to happen." She said softly. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to push back the images. "It just did."  
  
Jess's throat constricted, he wanted to sob. Right there in front of her. She had cheated on him. How? How could she? He pushed the heels of his hands against his eyes trying to push back the tears. "Who?" He forced his voice to say.  
  
Rory opened her eyes once again and a tear fell down her cheek, "I don't know."  
  
Jess jerked his head toward her. "So what was it? A one night stand?"  
  
She let out a bitter laugh, that didn't sound like a laugh at all. "I guess you could say that. It was to him anyway." She hugged herself tighter. "It's been an entire lifetime for me."  
  
His shaking hands tried fervently to light another cigarette, but he couldn't even manage the package. "How could you?"  
  
"I didn't mean to." She said softly. "I didn't want to. . . I didn't mean to. I really didn't."  
  
He finally managed to pull a cigarette out, he brought it to his lips only to realize it wasn't even lit yet. "How could you do this to me?" Jess said so bitterly he surprised even himself. "I would have given you everything."  
  
Her face had turned a pale white, it contradicted the dark night heavily. "You already had."  
  
Jess snorted, "I guess I never was enough for you." He shook his head and made a fist around the cigarette causing it to fall apart in his hand. There was a moments silence before he said once again, "How could you?" He opened his hand to find the remains of the cigarette splayed out across it.  
  
Pressing her eyes into her shaking knees, she whispered in a very weak, strangled voice, "I didn't mean to get raped."  
  
The package of cigarettes fell into the pond and was swallowed by the star reflected water. His hands stilled, "What?"  
  
"I didn't mean it, I didn't, I didn't." Rory gasped trying hard to draw breath. "I tired to stop him. But he was all hands and-and legs. I didn't mean it. I tried to stop him. I tried." She began to sob into her knees. "Please forgive me."  
  
Instinctively Jess drew away from her, his eyes- his face- his entire body filled with horror. He was afraid to touch her, he wanted to separate himself from her with anything he could. He took another step backward, putting more space between them. Raped? He knew now that he could never look at her the same way no matter how much he tried. He averted his eyes from her shaking form, he couldn't look at her at all.  
  
"Please don't hate me." She was whispering now, her hands clutched tightly around her legs. She began to sob so vigorously that it scared Jess for a moment. For a moment he wanted to turn and ran as fast as he could just to get away. He wanted to be anywhere but here.  
  
Her wrenching sobs were so loud in his ears, drumming into his head, they finally brought him back to reality. "Rory." He choked. His gaze returned to her. How could he be frightened of her? No, not Rory. Not his Rory. She was his world, he would never . . . could never . . . run from her. Only to her.  
  
"I didn't want him. I swear I didn't." She rocked herself back in forth. "Please . . .believe me."  
  
Jess found that he could finally move again and slowly lowered himself down to her side, "Rory, Rory." He brought her struggling mass to him and lifted her head from between her knees. "Rory, oh God." He cradled her head between his hands, her eyes were squeezed shut, and she wouldn't look at him. "I didn't know. Please look at me." He felt a tear falling down his own cheek as he tried desperately to wipe them away from hers. "Rory look at me." He said in a strangled but firm voice, and she finally looked up.  
  
Her blue eyes were so bright in the darkness, they looked like a pair of stars staring into his soul. "I'm so sorry Jess. I never meant for it to happen." She shook her head, drawing in quick short breaths. "I didn't, I really didn't."  
  
His thumbs ran over the side of her cheeks clearing away more tears. "Rory listen to me, it wasn't your fault okay?" His eyes stared straight into her, searching. "It was never your fault." Jess felt a great wave of regret fall over him, where had he been? Why hadn't he protected her? Where had he BEEN?  
  
Rory slowly nodded her head in his hands. "I . . .didn't," more tears, "know how . . . to tell you."  
  
"I know. I know sweetheart." He kissed her forehead and drew her tightly into his embrace. "I know."  
  
Her hands grasped wildly at his jacket, struggling to find something real. She cried into his neck, "I was so scared."  
  
"I know, I know." Jess's shock was slowly turning into a burning anger. Who did this to her? Who did this to the one person in the world he loved more than anyone or anything else? Who fucking did this? Jess always thought he knew what it meant to hate, but he never had before now. He never thought he could feel this much hatred toward someone he had never even met. He wanted to kill this man for doing this to Rory, making her into this small, crumpled woman in his arms. But for now he simply held her tight.  
  
Minutes later . . . or was it hours? . . . they still held each other in the same position. Her sobs had reduced to tears running down her cheeks and onto Jess's chest only every few minutes. Her arms were entangles around his neck hanging on her dear life, and her head was still cradled into his shoulder. She finally broke the silence to say, "I'm sorry I never told you . . .I should have."  
  
Jess ran his hand over her hair and soothed her, "It's in the past and there's nothing we can do." Jess sighed, going over all of his on 'if onlys' in his mind. And then he asked a question that had been nagging at his conscious since Rory had confessed, "Rory, where was I during all of this?" He said softly.  
  
The answer came quickly as if it had been thought over too many times, "You were in Toronto, on that field trip with your students."  
  
Jess's hands clenched and for the first time in his life he regretted becoming a teacher. "I should have been there." He couldn't stop himself from saying.  
  
She pulled away, "Don't do that." She offered a very small forced smile. "Like you said, there's nothing we can do to change the past."  
  
Staring at her for a moment Jess finally realized the timing of his trip. "You had your breakdown a month later." He said shocked.  
  
Rory looked out beyond Jess in another place now, recalling the time when life hadn't seemed worth living. "It was three weeks after the abortion." She continued to stare out in the world behind him, lost in a place where he could not go. She had reached the very bottom of her soul where all of her deepest secrets crawled and festered. "It was then I found out it had been yours, not his."  
  
He reached out and touched her cheek, it was free of tears but ice cold. "It doesn't matter now."  
  
"I had just received a phone call from the abortion clinic, the doctors had made a mistake in pin pointing the time of my conception." She unconsciously leaned her head into Jess's hand and tried to hide herself from something she could not run from.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Rory was smiling for the first time in four weeks. And you know what? It felt really good. She had just gotten back from an interview with a possible new employer. Who knew? A month from now she could be a writer for a column! Her! A writer! Her grin widened. Life was looking up finally.  
  
The past month had been hell, absolute hell. She and Jess had drifted further apart then she had ever imagined possible. But all of a sudden her feelings for her husband came flying back to her. All of a sudden she yearned for him like she hadn't since before that one terrible night. She couldn't wait to tell him her exciting news.  
  
She reached her small working station where she was a grammatical editor (whoop dido). She bit her lip to stop herself from jumping for joy. She was happy. She hadn't felt this way in so long that she thought she would surely burst. Jess! She had to tell Jess. She reached for the phone but it rang back at her.  
  
Rory was startled for a moment, but she recovered and picked it up. "Hello?"  
  
"Hi, is this Rory Mariano speaking?" A crisp voice said through the receiver.  
  
"Yes it is." Rory answered.  
  
"I'm Kathy calling from the Jackson Abortion Clinic in New York."  
  
Rory's happy thoughts slowly began to disappear. She thought she was done with them. "Is something wrong?" She asked timidly.  
  
"Well, no not really. I'm just making a policy call to let you know the doctor made a mistake, or the computer actually, when identifying the date of your conception."  
  
The phone almost slipped from Rory's hand, "Ex-excuse me? A mistake?" Rory could here Kathy chomping her gum in the background.  
  
"Yes, ma'am. But don't worry, it was only by a couple days. September 13 to be exact. We have to call when the computers make mistakes like this. I am sorry for the inconvenience." It sounded as though she was speaking from a book.  
  
Rory felt her hand begin to shake, "Are . . . you sure?"  
  
"One hundred percent sure. Dr. Flanigan double checked when he found out. No mistake this time."  
  
Her heart was racing, her breath was coming in small gasps. She vaguely heard Kathy through the line asking her if she was alright. Everything was closing in around her, she couldn't concentrate. She had killed their child? She had killed their child. She slowly replaced the phone in its cradle. She sat back in her chair and stared into space. That's when her body began convulsing and she vomited all over her office area.  
  
*Present*  
  
"I don't remember anything after that." Rory said still leaning into his hand. "I woke up in the hospital with you asleep beside me, you were in the most uncomfortable position just to be as close to me as possible." Rory shook her head sadly, "You were the perfect husband and I had killed our child."  
  
Jess in turn shook his head angrily and waved his hand impatiently. "It was NOT your fault Rory!" He said. "That God damn clinic screwed up. You could have sued them for what they did."  
  
Sighing she picked at dried mud on the bottom of her jeans. "They didn't even realize what they had done, or there would have been major problems."  
  
Furrowing his eyebrows Jess said, "What do you mean?"  
  
"I didn't tell them I had been raped, Jess." She gazed up at him. "I told them the same I told you, I was having an abortion due to money. When I found out I was pregnant I went to the doctor with Lane and he made an approximation that I had become pregnant the week it happened, but he couldn't pin point it. So we went to the clinic and they told me it happened the day I was raped. I knew it was wrong to have one, but I couldn't live with it growing inside of me. Lane helped me make the decision."  
  
"Lane knows everything?"  
  
"Yes, I really don't know what would have happened without Lane." Rory ran a quivering hand through her hair. She grimaced, "Did Lane really tell you about everything?"  
  
"No. She just realized that you hadn't told me everything." Jess sighed and raised his eyebrows, "I kinda filled in the blanks the wrong way, I thought you had cheated on me." Jess squeezed his eyes shut and raised his head to the night. "Why didn't you TELL me?" He asked. He was trying so hard not to be upset or angry, but he couldn't help it. How could she ever keep that from him?  
  
"I know I should have." She felt ten times better knowing that Lane hadn't betrayed her, but she had been dreading this question. How could he possibly understand? She couldn't even understand herself. "I couldn't tell you Jess. I just couldn't. I tried so many times, but I thought . . ." She trailed off and looked away.  
  
Jess leaned forward, "What did you think Rory?"  
  
She bit her lip, "I know it sounds stupid. But. . . but I thought you would stop loving me." She shuddered. "I couldn't stand myself, I could barely look in the mirror anymore. I just felt so. . .so dirty." She looked back at him, "I know now that I was wrong."  
  
"I could never stop loving you Rory." He simply stated. He needed to keep his emotions in tact, he needed to for her.  
  
"I know that now."  
  
There silence for a moment when only the soft chirping of a cricket could be heard.  
  
"You didn't go to the police?" He asked taking her hand in his and rubbing the warmth back into it.  
  
"No."  
  
"How did it happen?" Jess linked their hands. "Can you tell me?"  
  
"Yes." There was a pause where Rory tried to collect her thoughts into an organized manner. But everything seemed so jumbled and out of place. The man beside her was the only thing that kept her linked with reality. She finally found her next thought process, "I was in the Bronx on 13th street."  
  
Jess frowned, "What were you doing there?" He asked. "We lived in Manhattan then. And that's a really bad part of town . . ." He trailed off.  
  
"I don't remember why . . ." Rory searched her memory, and then said, "I was going to that coffee shop where they sold the cinnamon buns I loved. That seems so trivial now." Again Rory stopped, lost in thought. If only she hated sweets. "I took a back alley as a short cut and he just jumped out from behind me. I didn't even have time to react, it all happened so fast." She spoke quickly as though she just wanted it all out. She broke the damn that had been clutching the inner most depths of her soul for far too long.  
  
"I tried to stop him but he covered my mouth with a cloth or something and I kind of blacked out after that, I think he had put some kind of date rape chemical on there to make me pass out. Well, I just almost did." Rory brought her hand up to her brow and covered her eyes. She wished they would go away, she wished she could forget. "I came to at one point and tried to fight back, but he hit me and I lost consciousness again. Mostly I remember images . . . his face . . . his rough hands ripping my favorite skirt, and then the jacket you had bought me. The leather one." She still had that jacket at a bottom of a box in the back of her closet. It was torn and stained with grime, but she still had it. She didn't even know why.  
  
"When he left me there I couldn't move for the longest time. All I could think of was you. Our first kiss and my runaway, out first apartment together, our wedding day, our everything." She stopped there and drew herself once again into a ball of knees and arms. "He had stolen my purse, so when I finally got up I had to find a pay phone. I tried calling home so many times and I couldn't understand why you wouldn't pick up." She let out a dry sob.  
  
He placed a hand on her shoulder, "I'm here now." He said.  
  
"I finally remembered that you were gone and I called Lane. I didn't have any money for a cab, and I refused to call the police so she came and picked me up. Drove a whole three hours from Hartford to pick me up."  
  
"Why wouldn't you call the police?"  
  
Rory sniffled and said, "I didn't want to tell anyone. I felt so used and disgusting. He was all over me and I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to be clean again . . . I didn't want anyone to see me like that. I know it sounds crazy, but I thought . . . I thought that it was my fault somehow. That I made him want to rape me." Rory shivered, disgusted with herself. "Sometimes . . . I try not to . . . but sometimes I still feel that way."  
  
"It wasn't your fault." He said firmly trying so hard to keep the anger out of his voice. She should have gone to the police!  
  
"I waited for Lane in the bathroom of a store. Nobody ever even came in. I waited there for three hours, went home with Lane and stayed for the weekend."  
  
Jess nodded, "I remember coming home to an empty apartment." He looked at her questionaly. "You had a bruise."  
  
Rory touched her left cheek softly. "I told you I had fallen, he had punched me when I had come back into consciousness and started struggling. It hurt for weeks . . . a constant reminder."  
  
"Was there anything else?" He asked not even sure if he wanted to run. His fists were balled so tight that he flinched as his nails dug fiercely into his skin.  
  
"Only on my back." Rory looked away from him, the silence filling what she didn't want to say. "And that pretty much sums it up." She said flatly, her hands were still trembling. She slowly entangled her legs and stretched them before her. She laid the palm of her hands flat against her jeans. They wouldn't stop shaking. She wanted them to stop shaking.  
  
"But what happened to us Rory?" His voice quivered. He turned to look at her, caressing her with his stare.  
  
"Jess it was never you, that much you must believe." Rory said desperately turning back to him. "When I came back home from the hospital after the breakdown, I couldn't even look at you. The guilt just swallowed me whole. Every time we kissed, every time we touched, every time you spoke I thought about what I had done and I couldn't take it."  
  
Frustrated Jess said, "But it wasn't your fault!"  
  
"I know that!" Rory said fiercely, and then her look softened. "But I didn't think that then, and I'm sorry."  
  
"Just finish." Jess sighed putting his head in his free hand.  
  
"By the end of October I just couldn't take it anymore. I was ruining my own life and yours. It hurt so bad to know what I was doing to you. I saw the way you looked at me when you didn't think I knew." Rory slowly raised her head to him, her eyes blood shot from so many tears. "You had this look of such sorrow and- and loneliness, I-I can't even describe it. All the life had gone from your eyes. I couldn't look at you Jess. I just couldn't! I knew I was the cause of it, and I couldn't believe what I had done to you! ME! I had ruined your life . . . it was too much. I couldn't cause you more pain then I had already inflicted."  
  
"I never would have looked that way if you had only told me." Jess said quietly but with a hint of very cold bitterness. He was like a wave, up and down, up and down. One moment he was full of love and compassion towards this battered woman beside him, and then the next moment he couldn't stand her for ruining their lives. Oh! If she had only told him!  
  
A small chill ran over her body as she felt his coldness wash over her. "I know." Her mouth was so dry, so much talking. Too much, her mind felt pinched, too much was happening at once. Oh! If only she had told him! Rory drew a small breath and continued, "The guilt just got worse and worse, that's when I decided to do something. I asked you for a divorce. And I knew, as shameful as it was, the only way for you to agree was to tell you that I didn't love you."  
  
Jess looked back up at her, his eyes questioning and hopeful. The inky cold black that had been there seconds before slowly disappeared into the depths of his chocolate eyes.  
  
She stared back at him, her blue eyes wide with truth.  
  
"I never stopped loving you Jess. I want you to know that. I asked for the divorce because I loved you." Rory's eyes never left his as Jess took both of her hands in his.  
  
Jess stared into her endless blue eyes. He felt happiness surge through him. She had never stopped loving him. She had never stopped loving him! His whole body was alive with euphoria. He wanted to tell her he still loved her, he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. He always had. He wanted to tell her that he had never stopped loving her either. He wanted to tell her a million things.  
  
He rubbed her hands in his and was about to speak when his finger touched something sharp. He looked down to see her engagement ring staring back at him.  
  
Rory looked down also to see what he was glaring at. Was that her heart dropping?  
  
They both continued to stare at it. The hope of Rory's future, and the devastation of his.  
  
He finally spoke, "Why?" He asked simply.  
  
Was he asking about her engagement or why she asked for a divorce? She went with the latter. "If we had stayed together Jess things would have just gotten worse for me. I would have made you're life even more miserable. I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to be that cause of your misery. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To tell you I didn't love you." Rory looked away, into the darkness of the night feeling as though it was swallowing her whole. "I did it because I loved you so much, I couldn't go on making you miserable. I just couldn't."  
  
He broke away from her and leaned his elbows against his knees, he ran his hands through his hair. "You have no idea what this means to me." In spite of himself tears trickled down his face. He pressed his hand over his eyes trying to force them back.  
  
Rory watched Jess's figure slightly shaking, she'd never seen him this vulnerable before. She slid her arms around him and placed her head on his back. Holding him. "I know I hurt you . . . and I'm so sorry." She pressed her face into his back. "I never wanted to hurt you Jess. You were my life. My entire life."  
  
They stayed in that position until Jess finally stopped crying. He slowly lifted his head from his hands and stared at her.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Rory shook her head, "You have nothing to thank me for. I ruined your life."  
  
Jess embraced her, "But now I know why." He held her tightly. "And I can truly move on."  
  
Rory nodded into his shoulder and then slowly pulled herself away from his embrace. She couldn't let herself do this. She couldn't . . .not now.  
  
There was a faint splashing sound as a frog leaped into the dismal water. The ripples cascaded softly across surface reminding Rory for some reason of velvet. She imagined that if she reached out to touch them they would be very soft, welcoming. She stared at them, very aware of the fact that Jess was staring at her also. She looked up to find his chocolate brown eyes piercing her own. "Jess. . ." She said trailing off.  
  
"Yes?" He caressed the side of her cheek lightly with his hand.  
  
She closed her eyes to his touch, savoring the moment. "I don't want to lose you again." She said slowly and opened her eyes to find him looking out across the pond with pure grief in his eyes.  
  
"Do you remember when we used to meet here together?" He asked.  
  
Rory stared out across the pond with him, "And you would skip rocks."  
  
"And you would throw them." Jess laughed a little. "I can't look at a pond anymore without thinking of you and skipping rocks."  
  
"Jess?" She said softly.  
  
He came back to her, "I can't be friends with you Rory. I'm sorry." He removed his hand from the side of her cheek.  
  
Rory hung her head. "I hate this." She whispered.  
  
"So do I."  
  
She looked back up, "There's no way . . .?" She asked hopefully.  
  
"I don't think so. It's just too hard . . . it's too much."  
  
"I had hoped that . . ." She clutched her hands together tightly. "I had hoped that you would be there . . .when . . . at the wedding. I know it's a lot to ask but . . ." Rory sighed as though she knew it was going too far.  
  
There was utter silence as Jess's stomach clenched. How? How could she ask that of him? But his anger subsided as he stared into her hopeful eyes. He saw there the love she felt for her fiancé. Or was it for him? He didn't know, he wasn't sure if he wanted to.  
  
To lighten the mood he said, "You know, he kind of reminds me of Dean."  
  
Rory looked surprised and then laughed lightly, "They're somewhat alike."  
  
Jess gave her a small smile, "But you know I can't." He cupped her face and kissed her forehead softly.  
  
There was more silence until Rory finally spoke. "Jess?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I have to know . . ." She trailed off for a moment, staring hard at her hands, and then looked up at him. "Do you forgive me?" She said in a choking voice.  
  
"Yes." He said without hesitation. And he put his arm around her.  
  
"Thank you." She said softly and leaned into him. "Can you stay with me for a while longer?"  
  
"What about dinner?"  
  
"It can wait."  
  
"How about some Emily Dickinson?" He asked, and reached into his pocket and pulled out the book.  
  
Rory smiled ironically, "That would be wonderful."  
  
Jess opened to a page that was neutral, that would not remind them of anything that was too painful to remember. " 'I lost a world the other day . . .Has anybody found it? You'll know it by the row of stars . . .around its forehead bound. . .' "  
  
Rory closed her eyes and listening to his voice floating across the air to speak to her. She savored this moment because she knew it would be for the last time.  
  
Oh! If only she had told him!  
AN: I really hope everyone liked this chapter. It was really hard to write because I know that 'rape' is not something to be taken lightly. I worked as long and as hard as I could on it; it was definitely the most difficult chapter of this entire lit, I really hope I went about it the right way. If I left anything out at all please let me know because this chapter was pretty much supposed to fill in all of the blanks. If anyone has any questions or comments(good or bad!) please review!!!! Thanks! ~Kay 


	16. i'll be all right

AN: Hey everyone!! Sorry I haven't updated in so long but I've had a lot of schoolwork and I just got home from vacation. Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy!  
  
~Kay~  
i'll be all right  
  
She had shed years and years and years. It felt like she really was thirty three, not an old haggard woman trying desperately to survive through one day. There was a new bounce in her step, a new light in her eyes and a new pretty pink her cheeks that had once been so pale. So she was happy right?  
  
Yes, she was. Rory stepped out of her car and made her way to the mailbox. She really hadn't felt this way in three years, there was nothing dragging her down, holding her back. There was nothing in the back of her mind screaming to be set free. She only had to pull her own weight now. It was a nice feeling.  
  
The mailbox creaked open and Rory pulled out its contents. Bills, bills, junk, oh! Cosmo, more bills, and . . . what's this? Rory stared at the manila envelope in her hands, his hand writing was scrawled out across it. Her heart jumped to see her name written by him, it reminded her of college; when she would run to her mailbox to find a letter to her from him. The feeling of giddiness mixed with joy that always met her when she found it.  
  
But this time there was no joy or giddiness accompanied with this letter, only a feeling of relief. Was that really relief? Or was it desolation?  
  
She slowly made her way over to the porch and sat on its steps. She laid the other mail beside her and stared at the one large envelope in front of her. She didn't have to open it, she knew what it was. She would open this envelope and inside would be his signature signing her away. Declaring his agreement to the end of Mr. and Mrs. Jess Mariano: Rory and Jess, Jess and Rory.  
  
Collecting the rest of the mail, Rory stood up quickly and determined. She turned around and entered the house. She would not open this now. She would do it later by herself and have a good cry. She would finally say goodbye to her past life-to her past love.  
****************************************************  
He wondered how he did it. He wondered how he forced his pen to the paper and neatly wrote out his name. He wondered how he then calmly printed her name on the middle of the envelope. He wondered how he actually managed to place it in his mailbox. He wondered many things. But mostly he wondered how he was going to live the rest of his life.  
  
What would he do now? All of his questions had been answered, so what was there to live for now? What was his purpose?  
  
Since he was seventeen Rory had always somehow affected his life, good or bad. Now- now it was over. He thought he had wanted this! The road before him had been cleared away, he would no longer stumble when he walked through life. But what was living, really, without her?  
  
He guessed he would just have to find out.  
  
Jess tapped his red correcting pen against a pile of tests in front of him. He couldn't concentrate, it was just too hard. Since she had told him her story he had thrown himself into his work. But now he wanted to mull over it. Wanted to clear his mind that was bursting with jumbles of doubts, memories, thoughts and even hopes. Hope for what may lay in store for him.  
  
Three years ago he thought he was doing just that, living without her. But even after he had moved to Pennington he hadn't. She was always there in the back of his mind, haunting his every thought, his every dream, his every nightmare, his every movement. . .  
  
*Flashback*  
Files in the drawer, pens in the cup, books on the shelf to the right, poster on the wall reading "Your actions speak so loudly I cannot hear what you say."-Ralph Waldo Emerson, the lesson plans on his desk. Well, everything was in order.  
  
So this was his life now? Jess leaned back in his chair and gazed at his surroundings. Twenty five desks and chairs sat stared back at him waiting for grumbling students to fill their seats. A black chalk board in the back waiting to be written on. Books on the shelf waiting to be read. Papers in the drawer waiting to be written on. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Everything was waiting for him. Waiting for his life to begin. For his life to begin without her.  
  
So this was it? This was the meaning of his existence? To teach students grammar and make them read books. Wow, life was real good.  
  
If only he had someone to come home to. If only he had someone to love again. If only his heart could beat again. 'If onlys'. He couldn't stand them. He had to deal with his life. "Suck it up" as Luke has so often said to him.  
  
And "suck it up" he would. He smiled thinking of the students stumbling into his classroom tomorrow. This was what he was meant to do, this was what he wanted to do. To teach the beauty of literature to others. He was glad Luke had found him this job, even if it had torn his pride apart to take it. He was glad he did. Living in the city where she had walked its streets was torture; at every corner he expected to find her, at every coffee store he expected to see her, at every book store he expected to stumble upon her. But he never did, and that was the worst part of all. Here . . . here he didn't expect her at all. But sometimes he wished . . . he tried not to- tried so hard not to . . . but sometimes he wished he did.  
  
Jess sighed and laid his head in his hands. If only he could prop a picture frame on his desk!  
  
He began to weep.  
  
*Present*  
A knock on his classroom door caused Jess to jump from his seat torn from his reverie. A man was standing at the threshold of his classroom.  
  
"Hey Jess." It was Adam Loman from the science department. One of Jess's "teacher friends".  
  
"Wanna grab a beer with Jimmy and me?"  
  
Jess grinned, "A beer sounds great." His memories slowly crept backwards like the departing tide of an ocean wave leaving only lingering outlines in the sand.  
  
Adam grinned back, "Meet you in ten minutes?"  
  
"McCormans?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'll be there."  
  
****************************************************  
"Hey Ror!"  
  
The scalding hot water hit her back in satisfying sharp arrows. She turned toward the bath room door surprised. "Ryan?" She called back, she pulled back a part of the shower curtain. "I thought you weren't going to be here until eight!"  
  
"They let me out early. I'm making spaghetti, is that okay?"  
  
Rory smiled, yum! Spaghetti! "That sounds wonderful." She said and continued shampooing her hair.  
  
A half hour later Rory was pulling on a very comfortable pair of socks under her baggy sweats. She had twisted her hair into a clip, it hung loosely against her neck, wetting the hood of her sweatshirt. That's what her life was like now, so comfortable. It wasn't full of sharp objects and broken pieces; it was nice, it was safe.  
  
An aroma of pungent spices drifted up to her room, her stomach was grumbling with anticipation. Ryan was the best cook Rory knew, next to Mathew and Luke of course. She followed the scent of spaghetti all the way to the kitchen where she found Ryan standing over a bubbling pot of red sauce.  
  
"Mmm, smells delicious." She said standing beside him.  
  
She was about to stick a finger into it but Ryan swatted her hand away. "Patience, patience."  
  
"But I want some now!" Rory whined sticking out her lower lip.  
  
He kissed her quickly and then shook his head, "Ten more minutes."  
  
"Ugh! Fine." She flounced away into the living room. "But if in ten minutes you find me dead on the ground due to starvation you'll have to live with . . ." Rory's voice trailed off into silence.  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes and left the pot of sauce thinking that Rory was playing another one of her games. He came into the living room grinning but it faded away when he saw Rory's face.  
  
Her mouth was slightly ajar, her eyebrows were knitted together, not in anger, but in pain. Ryan could see the raw agony spelled out on her face and for one moment it tugged at his heart, there was so much emotion on her face. She never revealed any to him, and for one moment, that he shamefully regretted later, he wished that he could cause her that much pain. He wished that he meant that much to her. He quickly pushed the thought away and softly said, "Rory."  
  
She didn't answer, but simply moved to the coffee table where papers were splayed across its dark mahogany wood.  
  
Ryan's heart gave a small nervous jump as he realized his mistake. "I opened those, I-I didn't think you would mind."  
  
Why was she so upset? It's not that big of a deal! They're just some stupid papers! Rory shuffled through them, three pieces of worthless paper. Three of his neat signatures on each one signing her away. Signing their past away. Just like that. It was over. She was no longer a part of his life. She knew this was coming! So why did it feel like an icy hand was clawing at her heart?  
  
"Rory, this is what you want." Ryan came to sit by her side uncertainly. "Right?" He almost squeezed his eyes shut fearing the answer.  
  
A sigh escaped her lips. "Ryan it is what I want, you know that. But . . ." She picked up the papers and smoothed them over, "I wanted- needed- to do this by myself."  
  
"I thought you were over him." He said obviously frustrated.  
  
She looked sharply at him. "I told you how it was going to be from the beginning."  
  
Ryan looked away ashamed, "I thought that maybe I could change your mind. Make you think differently."  
  
She placed both the envelope and papers in her lap. "I told you exactly how I felt. I told you about the separation, how much it hurt me, and how I could never love again. I never mislead you Ryan."  
  
He stood up quickly, hurt by the words she spoke. "I know Rory, I know. But . . . I always had hope." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "But I guess I mislead myself."  
  
She reached for his hand, "I'm sorry Ryan. Someday you'll understand."  
  
He forced a smile, "I mean to."  
  
"Can you really marry me, knowing this?" Rory asked tentatively, gazing up at him.  
  
Ryan took her other hand and pulled her to her feet. "I love you and that's enough for me."  
  
"I do care for you so much Ryan. You mean worlds to me." Rory's eyes dug deep into his. "This you must believe."  
  
"I do." He softly kissed her. "Let's go eat."  
  
"Okay." Rory said and followed him into the kitchen. She laid the papers and the envelope down on the table as she went.  
  
But Ryan stopped abruptly half way there, he turned around and asked, "Do you still love him?"  
  
Rory blinked, caught by surprise, her hand flinched across the table. And then she looked straight into his eyes, "He could never love me again."  
****************************************************  
  
Lorelai had just heard the news: Jess signed the divorce papers.  
  
She sat at her kitchen table biting her nails, an annoying habit acquired from the past ten years. Shouldn't she feel relieved? Why did she not feel better? Because for the first time she though Rory might be making a mistake with Ryan. Why she thought this was beyond her. Rory had seemed happy enough on the phone.  
  
In the back of Lorelai's mind she knew that something was missing from this happiness. It was not the happiness she had with Jess and probably never would be. The telephone rang and Lorelai quickly picked it up hoping it was Rory.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hello Lorelai. I am just calling you to let you know we made home safely. But why you did not bother to call first his beyond me." A sarcastic voice rang through the phone. A very familiar sarcastic voice.  
  
"Hello mother, it's lovely to hear your voice again." Lorelai was already rolling her eyes.  
  
"Very funny Lorelai."  
  
"How was Spain?"  
  
"Hot and wonderful. Carol and I had a marvelous time." Emily's voice sounded happy and carefree, the way it always did when she came home from a long trip. But it wouldn't stay that way for long.  
  
"I'm glad." Lorelai said truthfully. She was happy to know Emily had a good time, she hadn't been truly herself since Richard had died four years ago from a heart attack. Everyone had taken it hard, but Richard had been Emily's life and she had been lost without him. But luckily she had managed to find happiness while touring the world with her fellow widowed friend Carol.  
  
"So how is everything at home?" Emily asked.  
  
"Jess signed the divorce papers." Lorelai stated simply.  
  
Emily sucked in a small gasp but recovered quickly. "Did he now? I can't help feeling sad now that it's truly official. You know your father always did like him, and he somehow managed to grow on me."  
  
"I know Mom."  
  
"I mean once he grew up you could actually have an enjoyable conversation with the man free from sarcasm."  
  
"Did it go both ways?"  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
A sigh escaped from Emily's lips, "I do hope Rory's doing the right thing marrying Ryan. Of course he is a respectable young man but . . .I will miss Jess."  
  
"She is doing the right thing Mother." Lorelai said, but this sounded unconvincing even to herself.  
  
"I suppose you're right." A doorbell rang in the background. "Oh! That must be the delivery man."  
  
"What'd you order now?" Lorelai asked, eyebrows raised.  
  
"Oh just a little something from Spain." Emily said mysteriously.  
  
"Huh. Okay Mom, I'll let you go."  
  
Sounding disappointed, Emily said, "Goodbye then. Have Rory call me."  
  
"I will. Bye Mom." And with that Lorelai hung up the phone. It was then she came to her conviction. Rory was not in love with Ryan, if she could even convince herself of this then it certainly was not true.  
  
How could she not have seen this before? How?  
  
Her daughter didn't love the man she was engaged to. She loved her ex-husband. Anyone could see it. Even Lorelai, finally.  
  
She couldn't let Rory go through with this, she couldn't let her marry a man she didn't love, it was wrong. Lorelai threw herself down onto a kitchen chair with a scowl on her face.  
  
How? How could she have been so blind? She was a horrible mother! No, she could not even call herself a mother at this point. For the past year Lorelai had been pushing and pushing Rory toward Ryan. But why? Because he was safe, and she wanted her daughter to be safe. But love was not safe.  
  
And more then anything Lorelai wanted her daughter to love. Ryan was not her love and never would be, she had to face this fact and get over it.  
  
The drip, drip of the coffee pot behind her in the kitchen calmed Lorelai in her hysterics. She must think clearly. Squeezing her eyes shut and rubbing her temples Lorelai remembered the day Rory came to her. Remembered the day when 'I told you so' lingered in the air between them like a barrier of bricks.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Starbucks could not even compare to Luke's, Lorelai decided haughtily staring at the caramel mocha in her hand. She would take a nice small cup of coffee from Luke's over any Starbucks pot, even if it was sprinkled in chocolate. Which definitely proved her point of Luke's coffee.  
  
Why had Rory asked to meet her here anyway? At Starbucks of all places? So informal. But then again everything with Rory is informal, had been since the wedding. The wedding she hadn't gone to. Lorelai felt a stab of pain pierce her heart, if she even still had one. How could a despicable person like her have a heart? If she did it was made of stone. She was pretty sure she used to have one, years ago when she could still braid her daughters hair and pack her lunches. She wondered is she really was turning into her own mother.  
  
A noise from across the table tore Lorelai out of her muse. A very familiar pair of blue eyes stared back at her.  
  
"Hey Lorelai."  
  
Why was her hand shaking so? Maybe it was because she hadn't seen her daughter in five months? Most likely. "Rory." She tried to keep her voice from trembling. She studied her daughter hard, something was not right. Rory's face was pale, her hair unkempt, and her eyes . . . oh her eyes were not so familiar after all! . . .they were darker, as though someone had drawn a shade over them that could never be lifted. They were a strangers eyes. She drew in a small, surprised gasp, "What's wrong?" She asked desperately.  
  
Rory took a large swig of her coffee before answering, "Jess and I separated." She placed her cup carefully on the table and awaited Lorelai's response. Her eyes were wide and expectant.  
  
Lorelai was speechless. What could she say? She didn't know what to say at all. Rory looked as though someone had died, Lorelai didn't know it until later on but it was her daughter who had died. A part of her had been swept away to be absent from her life forever, a hole in her heart that no one, not even Jess, could fill. She had lost a child and with that she had lost part of herself.  
  
"Please say something." Rory stated running a hand through her knotty hair.  
  
"I don't know what to say Rory." Lorelai said truthfully.  
  
She raised her eyebrows, "Really? Because I thought you would be full of things to say."  
  
The table beneath Lorelai's hands was smooth and easy to touch. She felt a stab of guilt, she knew what she wanted to say. 'I told you so.' But she wouldn't, not now. Not ever. That's not what Rory needed. "How long ago?"  
  
"Two months."  
  
Two months!! Her own daughter had been separated from her husband for two months and she never even knew! "Why?" She asked simply trying to control the emotion in her voice.  
  
Rory shrugged nonchalantly, "I stopped loving him." She looked away from her mother and sipped her coffee.  
  
Straight away Lorelai saw through her lie. "What did he do to you?"  
  
Rory's head snapped back toward. "Of course you would presume this to be his fault?"  
  
"No, I just don't want you to lie to me. You haven't stopped loving him." Lorelai said shaking her head slowly.  
  
Her manner softened, "It was me."  
  
This time Lorelai saw that Rory was not lying at all, she was telling the truth. She changed the subject, "Where are you staying?"  
  
"At Lane's for now." Rory looked intensely relieved that Lorelai had not pried further. "But I'm looking for a house in Hartford, I've been offered a job here."  
  
Lorelai nodded, "If you need anything," She stared hard at Rory, "I'm here."  
  
"Thanks." She said softly but her voice broke off at the end. The pain was so evident on her face that it took Lorelai back for a moment.  
  
"Rory." She reached across the table to hold her hand.  
  
Rory looked down at their hands entwined, "Sometimes it feels like I can't breath." She gave a small gasp and let one tear escape from her bright eyes.  
  
"I know babe, I know." Lorelai reached out for her other hand and squeezed.  
  
Rory clutched Lorelai's hands and tried to get a hold of herself, she still had trouble speaking of it. For a moment it felt like they were mother and daughter again, best friends; but then the hurtful memories came swirling back and clung to the air around them like beads of moisture. The moment was lost and Rory drew her hands away.  
  
"Do you have Lane's number?" She asked wiping at her face and blinking her eyes.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Okay, then I guess I'll see you around." Rory stood up from the table. "Bye Lorelai."  
  
"Bye Rory." Lorelai said and watched her leave Starbucks. Her shoulders were hunched over as though she was trying to hide herself from the rest of the world. Rory was definitely still in love with Jess, but she would move on. Yes, Lorelai would be sure of that.  
  
*Present*  
  
But Rory had never moved on. Would she ever? Would she move on even after she was married to Ryan? No, Lorelai did not believe she would, and from this Rory would be a very unhappy woman. She had lost her true love three years ago and Lorelai still did not know why.  
  
Lorelai knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. She had lost Chris to someone else, and then she had lost Luke after the wedding. She lost Luke because she couldn't except his nephew. And then she had lost her best friend, she had lost her only daughter.  
  
Well, she wasn't going to screw up again. Not when her daughter's life was on the line.  
  
She grabbed the still warm phone and dialed.  
  
"Lane?"  
  
****************************************************  
  
They lay on the kitchen table by the bowl of apples which were going brown since no one ever ate them to the left and the plates smeared with sauce to the right. She thought they looked somewhat foreign beside the them, out of place and distant. The artificial light from above glared down on them making them more white then ever. The brightness of them pounced out at Rory forcing her to look away.  
  
They belonged somewhere else. Away from here.  
  
"He could have taken care of them a little better."  
  
They were both staring at them.  
  
She shrugged, "They've been through a lot."  
  
"So I've noticed. He did sign them right?"  
  
"Yes, he did."  
  
"Good. So it's official then?"  
  
"Yes, it is."  
  
But Rory lied to her fiancé again that week, because it wasn't official. Not really. She had yet to sign them.  
  
A great weight had been lifted from her shoulders since she had told Jess.  
  
But for some reason she felt worse.  
  
REVIEWREVIEWREVIEW!!! 


	17. never let go

AN : Here's the next chapter, finally! Sorry guys! I know I haven't updated in ages but I'm still so busy with school that it's been hard to sit down and work on this lit at all. I also apologize for this chapter being so short, but I promise to update another very soon. So enjoy!  
  
~Kay  
  
never let go  
  
"I mean, sure I like the guy and all! But I like Jess better!" Lane cried as she paced their room.  
  
Mathew was lying on the bed on his back, in only boxers, "We all like Jess better, but does she?"  
  
Lane stopped and starred at him, "Well, duh! She loves Jess!" She resumed her pacing, "She sure as hell doesn't love him!"  
  
"Ryan! Ry-an. His name is Ryan." Mathew rolled his eyes, "You never call him by his name. I mean he is a nice guy after all."  
  
Lane threw up her hands, "I know that!" She scowled, "I just don't know what to do. I can't tell her not to marry him."  
  
"Why can't she marry him?" Mathew asked placing his hands under his head.  
  
This time Lane rolled her eyes, "BECAUSE she loves Jess!"  
  
"Ohh, right." Mathew raised his eyebrows, "I still think everything will turn out alright."  
  
Lane sat down on the end of the bed, defeated. "How can you be so easy going about this? I mean even Lorelai is concerned, she called me."  
  
Mathew shrugged, "If they're meant to be together then they will be."  
  
"I hope so." Lane said but she frowned, deep in thought. She then turned her head and glared at him, "YOU want them to be together, right?" She asked expecting no other answer.  
  
"Of course. I mean Ryan's alright." Mathew saw the look of venom on Lane's voice and quickly added, "But I like Jess better, we're buds, have been for twelve tears or something." He then paused for a moment and said, "Does Jess still love her now that he knows her big secret that I still don't know BY THE WAY." Mathew rambled, shooting Lane a look of his own.  
  
"Well, of course Jess still loves her. Everyone knows that but Rory." Lane turned to him, "And you know I can't tell you, I can't break her trust." Lane sighed and wrapped her arms around her ever growing stomach, "It's nothing to be taken lightly anyway."  
  
Mathew sighed too, "I know." He sat up and reached out to Lane bringing her to him, "But she'll never know!" He whispered in her ear, chuckling slightly, rubbing her stomach.  
  
Lane rolled her eyes and slapped his chest lightly, "I will never break the best friends code!"  
  
"But I'm your best friend!"  
  
"Nope you're my best friend with BENEFITS." Lane paused thoughtfully. "And my husband."  
  
"Isn't there a code where you have to tell your ever loving husband everything?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Well, shit. There should be."  
  
Lane laughed and ran her hand across his scratchy chin, "You need to shave."  
  
"But I thought it made me look dashing." Mathew grinned.  
  
"You're always dashing."  
  
"Why thank you my dutiful spouse that won't tall me anything at all." He leaned in a kissed her sweetly.  
  
"Mmm."  
  
"Are the kids asleep?" He whispered in her ear.  
  
"Sound."  
  
"Smashing."  
  
****************************************************  
  
Rory sat in front of her computer, tapping her fingers lightly against the keys. What to write, what to write . . . Lately writing her column hadn't come as easily to Rory, lately she has had to rip the words from her head. Even her boss remarked on her slump, but Rory just made up some lousy excuse of being sick.  
  
Obviously that was not the reason. She just couldn't get her mind off of him. Actually either one of them. Why, oh why, was life so very complicated?  
  
The phone rang next to her computer and she promptly picked it up, "Hello?" She said.  
  
"Hey Rory."  
  
"Lane! How's it going?"  
  
"You sound perky."  
  
"I'm really not, I was just glad you called so I get away from work for a second."  
  
Lane chuckled, "What are you doing this Saturday?"  
  
"Barbecue for Melanie's birthday?" Rory asked already knowing.  
  
"You got it. Be there at four."  
  
"I'll pen you into my calendar right away."  
  
"Great." Lane said and then she hesitated. "How would you feel if I invited Jess?" She sounded very apprehensive.  
  
"Jess?" Rory leaned back in her chair and bit her lip. Her knuckles turned white as she clutched the phone tighter.  
  
"Yeah, I wanted you both to be there this time. You're her godparents." Lane said. "But I won't if it's not okay with you."  
  
There was a pounding in Rory's temple as the blood rushed through her head. "Okay." She said finally.  
  
"Okay?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Great. Mathew and the kids have really missed seeing him as they much as they used to."  
  
"Yes, I suppose they would."  
  
"Alright, well I gotta pick Kimmy up from practice. But will you come at three? Help me set up?"  
  
"Yeah sure."  
  
"Good, see you Saturday then."  
  
"Bye."  
  
The cradle made a loud clicking sound as it was replaced in its receiver. Rory felt like her world was closing in around her, nothing would go her way. Nothing. She cared for Ryan, she was so absolutely sure of that. And he made her feel loved. But was she in love was the real question.  
  
Was she in love with Jess still? Yes. She must be. But he was not in love with her. And how could she know that if he was she wouldn't feel the same guilt she had felt before? Her life was a series of endless questions that gradually became more complicated.  
  
What would it be like seeing Jess this weekend? Would he even come knowing she would be there? Had he ever loved anyone else in their three years apart?  
  
She had to stop thinking about it.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
She stared at him hard. He was fumbling over his own words, fidgeting with his hands. He wouldn't even look her in the eye. What was going on?  
  
"Rory," he said finally, looking up at her, "We've been together a long time now right?"  
  
She nodded and said promptly, "Four years and eight months, not counting that time we took a break." Her mouth went immediately dry. That was it!! He was going to break up with her again! It had happened once four years ago during her first year at Harvard, they had been apart for five months. It had been the worst five months of her entire life. Holy Jesus.  
  
"Well, our relationship seems to have come to a stand still . . ." Jess trailed off looking away from her again.  
  
Rory felt a tingle of panic spreading throughout her whole body. He could not break up with her. No. Not now. Her throat tightened. He was going to break up with her again and leave her all alone! She wouldn't be able to handle it.  
  
"And we've been together so much lately." Jess paused to find more words. "The forty five minute drive between our apartments is just a killer."  
  
She wasn't even listening to what he was saying any more. She couldn't find her voice. He just continued to ramble on and on about nothing. Couldn't he come out and say it already? He did not want her anymore!  
  
"I mean you practically live at my apartment . . ." Once again he trailed off losing his train of though out of nervousness.  
  
This is what happened the last time he broke up with her. He stuttered over all of his words and could never complete a sentence. Sadness bubbled up inside of her. The bastard, couldn't he just spit it out?! "Jess! Just get it out already!" She nearly yelled. "If you want to break up with me just say it! I'll live!" No she wouldn't.  
  
Jess stared back at her blankly and then surprise quickly shot across his face. "Rory," he managed through his astonishment, "I don't want to break up with you. I'm asking you to move in with me."  
  
Her mouth fell and her face went blank. She knew she probably looked like an idiot but it didn't bother her at all. "You are?" She asked meekly.  
  
"Yes!" He said exasperated.  
  
"Oh." She hung her head ashamed to think that he didn't love her as much as he constantly said.  
  
He lifted her chin, "So will you?"  
  
Comprehension finally dawned across her face. She grinned, "Yes!" She jumped into his arms and held him tight, laughing giddily. "Oh! I was hoping you would ask me!"  
  
He chuckled into her hair, "You thought I was going to break up with you?"  
  
"Well, you were stuttering." She pulled away to look at him and give him a quick kiss. "The last time you stuttered you broke up with me."  
  
"Oh." Now it was his turn to be ashamed. He always regretted that moment of time they had been apart. "I just wasn't sure how you would feel about it. You know . . ."  
  
Rory's grin widened. "I am so happy! No more forty minute drives!" She kissed him. "I hate that apartment, I like yours much better."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Jess asked with his eyebrows raised. "Why's that?"  
  
"Because you're there of course." And she kissed him again.  
  
*Present*  
  
How upset she had been when she'd thought he was breaking up with her!  
  
How upset she had been when they finally did . . .  
  
Rory sighed and rubbed her temples, she listened to the rain falling softly on her roof. It was October now and this rain had come unexpectedly today. She had been planning on reading outside on her porch this evening, but that wasn't happening. Roy again turned to her computer and prepared to write when the doorbell rang. Surprised she stood up and walked quickly to the door as it rang again.  
  
"Okay, I'm coming!" She yelled as she ran down the stairs and hurried to the door.  
  
She found Lorelai standing at the doorway looking incredibly cold and wet, "Lorelai?" She asked curiously. The rain dripped over her eyelashes, making them bluer then ever, her hair was plastered to the side of her face and her cheeks despite the cold, seemed fuller and pinker then they had in years.  
  
Rory felt taken aback, she looked . . . well younger. She looked like the mother she once knew.  
  
Lorelai's face full of grief, let out a dry sob, "Please, will you call me Mom?"  
  
Rory felt tears well in her eyes, when was the last time she had uttered that word aloud to anyone?  
  
All of a sudden she remembered what it was like to have her mother- her very best friend. The games they used to play together, the laughter they shared, the fun and love that had always been between them until college. It had been much too long since she had called her mom. She bit her lip, and felt her face contort painfully. "Mom?" She whispered.  
  
With open arms Lorelai stepped over the threshold and pulled her daughter into her embrace, "Oh, God Rory, how can you ever forgive me?" She began to weep into her shoulder.  
  
"I already have." Rory said softly, wrapping her arms tightly around her mother.  
  
Tears continued to stream down Lorelai's face, "I love you baby. I love you so much."  
  
Sobs escaped from Rory, "I love you too."  
  
They rocked back and forth in each other's arms as the cold rain puttered outside on the soft ground. But standing in the doorway it was warm with love where a mother has finally found her daughter.  
  
REVIEW! 


	18. touch me

AN: Here's the next chapter with some R/J parts in it! Finally, right? I wrote this chapter a little differently than the others but I hope you like it anyway. Thank you all so much for the awesome reviews, they've been really great! Enjoy!  
  
touch me  
  
The caterpillar slowly made it's way across the blade of grass. She reached out to touch its furry hide, it recoiled as she did so. Laughter escaped her lips as she thought about placing this inside of Melanie's birthday cake, oh would she get a scare! And that would show Mel for telling on her the other day.  
  
Kimmy sighed and rolled over onto her back, staring up at the clouds. But if she did that she would be grounded, which meant to soccer practice tomorrow. And if she didn't go to soccer practice she wouldn't play in her game on Friday. So, what to do? Give Melanie the scare of her life or the soccer game? Kimmy weighed these two possibilities thoughtfully, an eight year olds life was certainly complicated.  
  
But soon enough the clouds above began to distract her. Oh! A fish with two fins! That one floating there looked like a football. And the one next to it looked like . . .hmm, what did it look like? Maybe something she had for lunch the other day. And that one looked like a caterpillar.  
  
Which reminded her! Kimmy sat up and searched the grass for the furry little scarer, but it was gone. Sugar! So much for a birthday surprise for her favorite sister. Looks like she would be going to her soccer game on Friday after all.  
  
"Kimmy, sweetie! Uncle Jess is here!"  
  
"Okay I'm coming!" Kimmy said as she pulled herself off the ground. She grinned, excited about seeing Uncle Jess again, they hardly ever got to anymore. But she was also confused, what was he doing here today? Aunt Rory was here today too, she hadn't seen them together in a long time. Kimmy furrowed her eyebrows as she recalled the times they had. Yeah, they were definitely a lot funner back then. They told jokes and laughed more. But whenever Kimmy mentioned this to Mom she hushed her up real fast.  
  
She broke into a run as she caught sight of the back of her house. She scurried up the steps of the deck and crashed into her father. He stumbled and grunted, "Woah there Kim, watch where you're going." He held a platter of raw meat in his hands. "What do you want? Steak, burger, or hot dog?"  
  
Kimmy licked her lips and promptly answered, "Steak please!"  
  
Dad chuckled and ruffled her hair, "That's my girl."  
  
Kimmy swerved around her Dad to find Uncle Jess in the kitchen holding Melanie in his arms. She was such a suck up!  
  
Kimmy bounced forward, "Hey Uncle Jess!"  
  
He turned toward her, "Kim! How's it going?" He held out a hand for a high five. "How's soccer going?"  
  
"Awesome, I scored three goals last game! A hat trick!"  
  
"The next Mia Hamm!"  
  
"Well, I learned how to ballet run in dance class yesterday!" Melanie contoured looking hopefully at Uncle Jess for praise.  
  
Kimmy rolled her eyes, "Wow, I'm sure that took talent."  
  
Melanie stuck her tongue out at Kimmy.  
  
Looking around the kitchen, Kimmy searched for her mother. "Mom! When's dinner gunna be ready?"  
  
"As soon as you're father finishes it." Lane said appearing from the family room.  
  
***  
  
A half an hour later everyone was seated inside because it had turned cold outside. It was very cramped, especially Kimmy who had absolutely no room whatsoever. Thomas was on side of her sticking his bony elbows into HER space, and Aunt Rory was on the other. At least she kept her elbows to herself.  
  
Kimmy was sitting across from Uncle Jess who was apparently in a deep conversation with Melanie who sat beside him. Rolling her eyes Kimmy watched as Melanie explained exactly how to point your toe in ballet. But she noticed that every now and then Uncle Jess would glance up across the table and then quickly back at Melanie. It didn't even look as though he was listening to Melanie at all, which was unusual because he was normally so attentive. He just kept nodding and saying "wow" and "that's great".  
  
The next time Uncle Jess glanced up Kimmy noticed what he was looking at, Aunt Rory. She also noticed that they both were doing it. Uncle Jess would glance at her and as soon as he looked away Rory would glimpse at him as though she felt his gaze.  
  
The whole thing was very amusing to Kimmy, she continued to watch them do it through out the rest of dinner. But she was puzzled, why then, if they kept looking at each other, did they not speak? Well, they talked to every one else but barely two words to each other except "pass the butter please", and "thank you."  
  
Kimmy once again thought back to the time when they would constantly talk and stare and each other without looking away. Kimmy had only been four, but she remembered this one time when Uncle Jess and Aunt Rory and taken her out to a professional hockey game. But the thing is, she barely remembers the hockey game at all. One of her earliest memories consists of simply Uncle Jess and Aunt Rory.  
  
She had been standing in line for something, holding on tightly to Uncle Jess' hand. She had tugged on his hand but received no response. Kimmy remembers acutely looking up to see Aunt Rory and Uncle Jess just staring at each other. His hand had been on her cheek and they would not stop staring at each other! That was the first time in her life that she had felt completely and utterly ignored, though not exactly purposely.  
  
"Hey Kimmy, did you watch your Patriots lose today?" Thomas said beside her, digging his elbows eve deeper into her stomach.  
  
Kimmy instantly forgot all about her aunt and uncle to talk about more important things: football.  
  
****************************************************  
  
He wasn't blind. Everyone thought that he had no idea what was going on. But he knew.  
  
He had checked the divorce papers, she still hadn't signed them yet. Not one page.  
  
He wondered now how many times she had lied to him.  
  
Like tonight for example. Oh, it's nothing really, Lane just invited me over for dinner. A little get together to celebrate Mel's birthday. You don't have to come, I know you have a lot of work to do.  
  
Ha. Work to do. Bull shit. He could tell by the way she concentrated on her book instead of looking at him. The way she bit her lip and fidgeted with the ring on her finger. He would be there and she didn't want her fiancé anywhere near her.  
  
He knew that Jess still loved her, everyone could see that but her. He could even see it for God sakes. She was the blind one, she couldn't see what was standing right in front of her.  
  
Him.  
  
Beads of sweat clung to his temple as Ryan took another satisfying gulp of his whiskey. He was feeling somewhat dizzy and his vision was clouding before him. Drunk? Him? No. Absolutely not. Sure, he liked the occasional scotch, but nothing that truly affected him.  
  
The liquor slipping down his throat felt smooth and fuzzy at the same times. Whiskey tasted disgusting but the warm feeling that spread to the tips of his toes was entirely worth it. He had made a promise to himself long ago that he would never be the man getting wasted alone at some bar over some woman. But guess what? Here he was . . .wasted.  
  
He had given her everything. He had given her all his love but had never gotten anything in return. In the beginning she had told him right out that she would never be able to really fall in love with him. That she was done with love. But he thought that he could change her, well he couldn't. She would never love him, not the way he wanted her to anyway.  
  
"Refill, please." Ryan said to the passing bartender. The man gave him a refill without a second glance and Ryan slapped more bills onto the bar.  
  
This time he took the shot in one great gulp.  
  
He had let himself fall in love with her.  
  
But she had told him not to. There was no one to blame but himself and he would have to live with it for the rest of his life.  
  
****************************************************  
  
"Do you think we should put a birthday surprise in Mel's bed tonight?" Asked Thomas later on that night.  
  
Kimmy, sitting beside him on the couch was thoughtful for a moment. "But we'll get grounded and I have a soccer game on Friday."  
  
Thomas sat back to contemplate this. "I don't have one for another two weeks, so I could do it."  
  
"But I want some part in it!" Kimmy whispered harshly with a frown. "Just for some kinda fun tonight."  
  
"Yeah, tonight wasn't really much fun. Wonder why?"  
  
"'Cuz Uncle Jess and Aunt Rory hardly talked to any us."  
  
"Yeah, they really didn't." Thomas said and then turned eagerly to her, "So how should we do this?"  
  
"I saw a caterpillar today outside. I can try and find another!" Kimmy said excitedly.  
  
"Perfect, you get the caterpillar and I'll put in her bed. Meet me in the front yard in fifteen minutes."  
  
Kimmy launched herself off the couch and grabbed her coat from the hall closet. She couldn't go out the back door because Mom, Dad, James and Mel were in there playing with Melanie's new toys. She silently slid out the front door and made her way around the house.  
  
She was sidling along the edge of the house when she heard harsh voices coming from the back yard that made her stop dead.  
  
"Then why did you come if you don't want to see me so much?!"  
  
Whose voice was that? It sounded like her voice when she had lost the soccer championship last year!  
  
"You can be very cold, Jess!"  
  
It was Aunt Rory! But why did she sound so upset?  
  
"Rory, you know I don't mean it like that!"  
  
That was Uncle Jess! Why were they yelling at each other like that?  
  
"I just can't . . .I can't be around you anymore. It's hard! I'm trying to move on with my life! I can't keep seeing you like this!"  
  
"I'm here for my god daughter, not for you!" Kimmy heard Aunt Rory say.  
  
"And so am I!" Uncle Jess nearly yelled. Kimmy had never heard him speak like this before, he was so mean!  
  
"Jess . . ."  
  
"Listen Rory! I want- need to move on with my life, okay? I'm sorry if it's hard for me to be around you but that's just the way it is." Uncle Jess' voice had softened a little. "It's been so difficult . . ."  
  
Kimmy barely made out Aunt Rory say, "Do you think I don't feel it too? Every time I look at you -"  
  
"Don't," Uncle Jess cut her off. "Please. You're engaged. You're getting married!"  
  
"Jess, please, let's not talk about that now."  
  
"Rory, I just need my space."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Kimmy strained her ears to hear more, but it sounded as though they had stopped talking. It was completely silent, but then she heard something like a moan. Uncle Jess hit her! She jumped out of her hiding spot ready to scream but instantly fell silent.  
  
Aunt Rory and Uncle Jess were locked in each other's arms. They were doing something with their lips that Kimmy thought would definitely be considered disgusting at her school. Kimmy watched as a tear fell down Aunt Rory's cheek, but Uncle Jess continued to kiss her and clutch her tightly with such force that Kimmy was sure he was hurting her.  
  
He should not be hurting her! "Uncle Jess!" Kimmy screamed careening toward them. "Stop hurting her!"  
  
They jumped apart with surprise as Kimmy hurtled herself around Aunt Rory's legs. "Can't you see that you were hurting her?!" She yelled at him in an accusing voice, "Why were you hurting her? Don't you love her anymore?"  
  
He stepped back as and ran his hands through his hair desperately. His face contorted painfully, "I'm sorry." He whispered.  
  
Rory leaned down to the distressed Kimmy, "He wasn't hurting me babe."  
  
Kimmy shook her head and wiped at the tear trail on Rory's cheek, "You were crying! He was yelling!"  
  
Jess was shaking his head also, "I am. I am." He said in disbelief.  
  
"Jess . . ." Rory trailed off staring up at him  
  
He ran another hand through his hair, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." He turned to Rory, he stared at her swollen lips that he had just held against his moments ago. He couldn't think, he couldn't think. "I can't do this anymore . . ."  
  
Kimmy stared up at her Uncle Jess. What was he talking about? She had never seen him this way.  
  
"Don't come near me anymore." Jess backed away further still as though afraid of what she might do. "I can't see you. Not again."  
  
Rory stood up and held out her hand to him, "Jess, please." Her voice choked. "Don't do this, not to me."  
  
He stepped back away from her, scared of her touch. "I can't see you anymore. I just can't. I can't see you. " His voice was hard and distant, he shook his head again, "Just let me be."  
  
Kimmy watched as he walked away from them. They both flinched as they heard a car door slam and the engine start. She watched as her Aunt Rory let herself fall to the ground and stare blankly into space.  
  
What was happening??  
  
I hope you liked this chapter, please REVIEW!!  
  
AN: I have a question for everyone, and if you know the answer it would be great if you could let me know. About six months ago I read this Literai on Fanfiction.net and I haven't been able to find it since. In this story Rory has never lived in Stars Hollow because Lorelai married Christopher when she became pregnant. And it's about how one day Rory skips school and goes to Stars Hollow with her friends, including Tristan, and there she finds Jess. They have this special connection and Rory can't figure out what it is, but she starts getting flashes of what her life would have been like had she moved to Stars Hollow as a baby with her mother. Anyway, I really loved this fic, it was written SO well, but I can't find it at all. So if anyone has any idea of what I'm talking about please let me know!!!!!!!!!! 


	19. oh the place

AN: Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed!! They have been so great! I can't tell you how much I appreciate them. And thank you to whoever nominated Pretty Baby at the Pride and Prejudiced site, that was a really great surprise, I felt so honored. Thank you! And I have just one more thanks to everyone who told me about that story I was wondering about. It's Two Roads Diverged by Wishful Thinking, if anyone else wanted to know. I read it again, and of course loved it again, but I'm so disappointed that the author still hasn't updated yet! I really wish she would! It's an amazing lit with a great plot line. Anyway, sorry about the rambling, here's the next chapter, hope you like!!!!  
  
~Kay  
  
oh the place  
  
Jules stared back at him, biting her lip.  
  
"I think that the real question is, do you still love her?"  
  
"That's not the point."  
  
"I think it is."  
  
"You're not helping."  
  
"Who said I was trying to?"  
  
"You should be."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So what?"  
  
"Do you still love her?"  
  
"Easier asked then answered."  
  
"It's just a simple answer of yes or no."  
  
"It's just not that simple."  
  
"Why'd you kiss her?"  
  
"Spur of the moment?"  
  
"Bull shit."  
  
"Because she was right there in front of me."  
  
"Huh."  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"What does what mean?"  
  
"You did a 'huh'."  
  
"What's your point?"  
  
"It didn't sound nice."  
  
"I didn't realize."  
  
"Well, now you do."  
  
"Okay . . .New topic! You have forgiven her right?"  
  
There was a slight pause as Jess switched to a more serious tone, "Yes."  
  
"But will you forget?"  
  
"No, I don't think I could."  
  
"Would you hold it against her?"  
  
"Of course not, I told you I've forgiven her."  
  
"Forgiven but not forgotten."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Do you want her to marry Ryan?"  
  
"Hell no."  
  
"Do you ever miss what you had?"  
  
"All the time."  
  
"Do you still love her?"  
  
"I just don't know. I feel like I'm always the cause of her pain . . .I don't want that."  
  
Jules offered him a small smile over her tea, "You've never stopped loving her."  
  
Jess looked down at his own tea.  
  
"And you forgave her."  
  
"Yes, I did." He looked up, his eyes sad.  
  
"Do you think she's forgiven herself?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Later on that day Jules walked back to her apartment. She wanted to meet this Rory. To yell at her for what she did to Jess.  
  
She had only met Jess two weeks ago but already they were fast friends.  
  
Jess had told her everything about their marriage and what happened with it. He hadn't told anyone else. Jules wasn't even sure why he told her. Maybe because he needed someone to talk to who didn't know Rory Gilmore.  
  
He was still so in love with her.  
  
She was going to have a talk with Rory Gilmore, set things straight.  
  
Someone had to.  
  
****************************************************  
  
The sky outside was a dreary gray, it reflected his mood well. He took a small sip of his ice water and let it fall coldly down his throat, it helped clear his head. A little anyway.  
  
He checked his watch for what seemed like the tenth time, she would be here any minute now. She would sit down across from him and he would tell her exactly how he felt. His palms were sweating, how could he possibly do this? He loved her so much.  
  
A waiter came to his table and asked what he could like to drink, he answered vaguely, "A Johnny Walker on the rocks, please." But he didn't even notice when a few minutes later his drink was placed in front of him. He could only think of what he was about to do.  
  
Why couldn't things be different? Why did he ever have to meet her? Why, oh why did he let himself fall for her? But he never really let himself lover her, it just happened. He never really meant for it, he never once saw it coming. No, he could not have stopped it if he tried.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Ryan stood at the bar waiting for his drink, a scotch on the rocks. He tapped his fingers against the hard word impatiently, he didn't even want to be here. He hated going to these stupid family parties, his mother always insisted he did though, "to keep the family name intact." Whatever the hell that meant. This Saturday night they were at the Gilmore's, whoever they were. He had met the stately old lady only briefly to exchange greetings. He hated all the stupid questions these people asked, trying to be polite but not really knowing him at all. But as soon as he finished his drink he would be on his way home, he had a proposal to finish up for Monday anyway.  
  
A drink was shortly placed in front of him. Much to his disgust it was vodka, he was about to tell the bar tender when a petite woman came rushing up interrupting him, "Do you have coffee?" She asked breathlessly. Her eyes were wide and urgent, a blueberry blue. Ryan couldn't help but stare at her. Her hair was held up in a French twist, and her simple black dress clung to her slender body emphasizing her figure.  
  
The bar tender was staring at her also, but in surprise. "No ma'am we don't. Isn't there coffee at the refreshment table in the parlor?"  
  
The woman looked utterly disappointed. "There was. But it's gone now." She sighed and leaned against the bar, "Great, now I have to spend another two hours here deprived of a good cup of coffee. Those old bats won't stop asking me questions: 'I heard what happened, how dreadful', 'How are you holding up?' As if they don't know." She rolled her eyes talking to no one in particular.  
  
Ryan smiled when she said this. He hadn't a clue what she was talking about, but it seemed that she was feeling exactly as he was. She turned her head and caught him staring at her. She offered her own tentative smile, "I think she does this on purpose."  
  
"Who?" Ryan said startled.  
  
"My grandmother." She pushed herself away from the bar. "Only puts out enough coffee to last me an hour before I get too jittery." She laughed softly to herself. She stared at something over his shoulder, it seemed as though she had withdrawn into herself, thinking of another time. She came back to him and said, "Back to the battle field."  
  
She was about to leave when Ryan touched her arm and said, "Wait. I'm not one for these kind of parties either, we could keep each other company."  
  
She glanced up at him and then away, hesitating. And then finally said, "Well, okay, as long as you keep the topic simple."  
  
"I'll be sure to." He offered his hand. "I'm Ryan."  
  
She took his hand and smiled, "Nice to meet you Ryan, I'm Rory Gilmore."  
  
*Present*  
  
That night he fell in love. They had gone out for coffee and pie, and then he had fallen in love with her. Over coffee and pie. A month later she told him about her divorce, that she could never love again. But that's when he had made his mistake, he should have left the relationship right then. He should have seen that she could never really give herself to him, she was already taken. But foolishly, he had thought that he could make her love him, make her really see him, make her his.  
  
Now, here he was two years later waiting for her on a dreary day to speak his mind.  
  
And of course came the time when a pair of blue eyes appeared in front of his, and soft lips brushed his cheek, and her voice said to him, "Hey Ry."  
  
But he managed to compose himself through a minute of enjoyable conversation. She was perfect and he wanted her to be his forever. But she couldn't, she already belonged to someone else. Finally, after a few questions about work and her day, he cleared his throat. "Rory," he said, "I need to talk to you."  
  
She tilted her head, a small smile caught her lips and her eyes were perplexed. "But we are talking."  
  
There was something in her eyes that was different. What was it? "We need to talk about the wedding."  
  
He watched as a smile appeared on her face. Was that strained or forced?  
  
But then she leaned forward, "Oh, well, I was just looking at bridesmaids dresses and I was thinking maybe a dark emerald green! Lane looks fantastic in green and-"  
  
"Not the plans." Ryan cut her off abruptly. "Actually," he dabbed his slightly sticky forehead with his napkin, "I think we should post pone plans for a little while."  
  
Rory's smile quickly disappeared, her face awash with confusion. "What? . . .Why?"  
  
"Because I want to make sure this is right." He said simply. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest.  
  
"Ryan . . ." She leaned back in her chair looked dejected. "I thought you wanted this."  
  
Ryan looked away, out at the still dark sky. "I do. But I'm not entirely sure about you." He paused to look back at her, "And don't give me false reassurances. I want to know how you really feel."  
  
And the worst thing that could have possibly happened did happen. Rory did not answer him, she instead stared down at the table. He wanted her to reassure him, he wanted her to say, "Ryan! How could you say such a thing? Of course I want to be your wife! I love you."  
  
But this did not happen at all, in fact it was silent for another few minutes until she finally spoke. "I might need a little time to sort things out." She said. Her eyes glanced out the window and then back to him.  
  
Ryan nodded, running a hand through his chestnut locks, "Okay." He managed. He had always been a quiet person, but Ryan never realized how much silence could hurt a person. The air was so still it gave him a headache. Say something, say something. But there was nothing to say. And there was nothing she could possibly say to make the pain go away.  
  
After five minutes of utter stillness, Rory finally spoke. "So." She swallowed hard. "What now?"  
  
"I guess we should just spend some time apart, find out what we really mean to each other." Ryan looked at her hard, she was staring out and the sunless sky. "Rory."  
  
She turned to him with sad eyes.  
  
"I don't want to exchange vows with you while your thinking of someone else."  
  
A surprised look fell across her face; her mouth opened and closed. She didn't know how to respond to that because . . . because it was completely true. Her head dropped, she felt so ashamed.  
  
"I just want this to be right." Ryan went on. "So I think we should just take a month off, find out how we really feel." He didn't need a month for this, or even a day. He knew how he felt about Rory in a second. In an instant. In a heartbeat. But she didn't.  
  
"I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way." She said still staring down into her lap. "I never meant to."  
  
"I know." He whispered. He took one last sip of his drink and stood up. "We'll stay in touch then?"  
  
She nodded numbly, not believing what was really happening.  
  
"Goodbye Rory." He said. He wanted to reach up and touch her cheek so badly. But he didn't. Instead he quickly turned around and walked out of the restaurant.  
  
He knew there would be no wedding. He knew he had just lost a part of himself to someone who could never love him.  
  
Review!!! 


	20. you'll never learn

AN: Just wanted to thank everyone again for all the reviews! Sorry I haven't updated in so long, my computer is such a piece of crape, it rarely ever lets me on Fanfiction.net.  
  
you'll never learn  
  
Can't you see that you're hurting her?  
  
Could he? Had he ever? The last months of their marriage did he ever see that he was the cause of her pain? Of her guilt?  
  
No he hadn't. He never saw, never figured it out. The entire time it had been him.  
  
He didn't want to hurt her anymore. He just couldn't live with himself if he did. The best thing to do now is stay away. He had to.  
  
Why did he kiss her? His answer to Jules' question . . . Because she was right in front of him. That was the truth. He couldn't be around her anymore.  
  
What a shock to come outside for air and find her standing there. Her arms wrapped tightly around her middle looking like a small frightened girl. The look of surprise when she turned to see him. And then the words that had been exchanged between them, friendly at first, and then sad, until that sadness turned bitter . . .  
  
Why did she kiss him? It had happened at the exact same time. One minute they had been staring angrily at each other, the next they were kissing as they hadn't in years. And oh! To have her in his arms like that again was pure bliss. The feeling of her satin lips against his own, her familiar hands running through his hair and over his back, the way she molded so perfectly into his body like a key in a lock. What a kiss! What a shock. What a shock to know that he felt exactly the same way.  
  
Don't you love her anymore?  
  
Yes! Yes he loved her! He would always love her. It wasn't something he could forget, but he would just have to deal with it for the rest of his life. He would not let himself see her anymore, the results were never good. He couldn't help but want her. He couldn't help but want to take her in his arms and kiss her wildly. Hold her tight.  
  
He wished he could wish his love away. But he couldn't.  
  
And then he couldn't stop thinking about the 'what ifs', and he hated himself for that. What if he had been a father . . .?  
  
He sighed as he stared at the students in front of him. They were taking their final test for 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. They had no idea how easy their lives were. They didn't have to deal with knowing that the one thing you wanted more than anything else in the world was already claimed.  
  
He was going to have to separate himself even more so from Lane and Mathew, he couldn't be around her at all. He couldn't be reminded of her. It would be painful, not being able to see them as much, but it would hurt less then seeing her all the time. Yes, it would hurt a lot less. He couldn't stop staring at her during dinner. He hadn't been able to stop staring at her engagement ring, so much different than the last. Gold band and large cut. He couldn't help remembering the one he had proposed with; platinum, a small cut, their initials engraved on the inside. He wondered if she still had it. He still had his, probably always would.  
  
"I have a question for all of you." He said suddenly to his students. They all looked up at him with surprised expressions, their writing utensils stilled in their hands and their eyes bemused. "'Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all'. Which one of you can truly say you believe in that statement?"  
  
They all stared at him as though he was a lunatic. So what if he was? He wouldn't let it bother him. "No takers?" He asked. They all seemed scared to answer the question as though it were a trick.  
  
"Okay, bonus points for the person who can give me a straight forward answer."  
  
Almost immediately Carl Mennings raised his hand eagerly.  
  
"Carl, I thought so." There were small chuckles from the students.  
  
"I think, Mr. Mariano, that anyone who believes in love in the first place is a crack head and should be medicated."  
  
Jess raised his eyebrows, "Thank you Carl for that very intelligent answer. So are you telling me that you don't love your own mother?"  
  
The class chuckled again as Carl turned red. "No, I didn't say that Mr. Marino. I'm talking about that Romeo and Juliet kinda crape. They were crack heads because they died for their undying love. I don't know about you, but I sense a loop hole in that statement."  
  
"But that's the classic love story of all time." Said Lara Pensky, a red haired girl in the front row. "If love didn't exist how could a story like that possibly become so famous?"  
  
"Maybe because of the idea of love." Jess said. "People want to believe in the ideal of love so much that they gobble up stories like 'Romeo and Juliet'."  
  
"Do you believe in love, Mr. Mariano?" Sara asked from the back row.  
  
Jess was silent for a moment, "Yes." He said simply.  
  
"Well, I don't." Carl said huffily sitting back in his chair. "People in ilovei," here he made quotation marks with his fingers, "always manage to do the stupidest things anyway."  
  
Jess nodded, "Yes they do."  
  
"So you think love's a bad thing then?" Lara asked.  
  
"Not necessarily." Jess shook his head. "But it's not all flowery either." Why was he telling his students this? "Who here believes in love?"  
  
Nearly three fourths of the class raised their hands, a majority of them being girls. "When I was your age I felt exactly the same way Carl did. Things change as you grow."  
  
Carl smirked, "Like what?"  
  
"You're entire perspective on life." Jess answered.  
  
The class was silent for a moment, contemplating this statement. And then Sara spoke, "Do you believe in that quote, Mr. Mariano?"  
  
His entire class turned their attention back to him expectantly. Did he? Did he believe in 'it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all'. What would his life be like right now without her love. He immediately answered the question, "Yes."  
  
"Then why aren't you married, man?" Carl asked with his eyebrows raised. "If you believe in love so much?"  
  
"Yeah, we all know how many times Mrs. Hanover has tried to set you up!" Another student said. The other nodded and laughed in agreement.  
  
Jess leaned back in his chair, "Because I believe in that statement once, not twice."  
  
The room was utterly silent for a moment while the class of freshman stared at him in surprise. Mr. Mariano in love? Weird.  
  
"So, how many bonus points do I get?"  
  
****************************************************  
  
The soft soil beneath her dirtied her knees and colored her hands.  
  
A piece of hair from her loose and messy pony tail fell across her face and stuck to her sticky forehead. She pushed it away leaving a streak of dirt across her forehead.  
  
The sun landed hard on her back, warming her on the cool October day. It was right between summer and fall, when the sun was still hot and the breeze was turning cool.  
  
She was planting tulip bulbs for next spring. They would shoot up from the ground in a happy state, coloring her yard with pinks, yellows, reds and oranges. Tulips were her favorite flowers; they came up every year, yet she planted new bulbs every fall anyway.  
  
Her tulips were everywhere in the spring making her yard look alive with brilliance.  
  
She hadn't discovered her passion for gardening until after the divorce when she was no longer living in the city. It had helped her through all the hard times. It had helped her try to forget Jess and everything he meant to her. But then again gardening always caused her mind to drift to things that sometimes she did not like to think of.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
It was hard to concentrate when he was sitting only inches away from her, it was hard to do anything. She held her book tighter between her fingers and forced her eyes on the words that would normally capture her attention so easily. She could feel the heat radiating off of him, it was like waiting beside an extremely hot coffee pot with eager anticipation. She stole a glance up at him; he, unlike her, was reading his book avidly. A dark lock was brushing his temple and she had this intense urge to sweep it away.  
  
What had she been thinking? She hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks and they were reading? Reading! She could only blame herself really, why did she have to be so stupid?  
  
He had been in California for ten days visiting his father while she had to stay home and work. He had arrived home and almost immediately their clothes were off. But she had stopped him, telling him that she did not want their relationship to be based on sex alone, they never did anything else ever since she moved in! Of course he had merely smirked which made her so angry, so she told him no sex for the whole night. He had almost won her over when he said, "You know we never have sex anyway."  
  
She truly was a god damn fool. Here they were sitting in bed together reading and they hadn't seen each other in a whole two weeks. Two weeks! It felt like she had been celibate for months! What was reading next to Jess? She glanced up at him again to study his furrowed brow, his look of deep concentration. He felt her stare and looked up at her, a slow smirk crept up his face. Furious, she stared back down at her book.  
  
Out of the corner of her eye she saw him lean over the bed and search the pocket of his pants that had been thrown on the ground thirty minutes before. But she decided to completely ignore him.  
  
He kissed her shoulder, and then pulled back her hair to kiss the soft spot on her neck. She continued her pretend reading, he would not win her over tonight. Yet she still felt hot sparks jump off her body with desire which infuriated her even more. She saw the hand on her book pulling it down, but she pulled it back only to hear him chuckle. He was so invigorating! No, not invigorating!! Irritating!  
  
His hand was back on the book and something slipped from beneath it. It glided down the crease of the pages to land squarely in the middle of her joined hands. Her mouth had gone dry. The book fell from her hands forgotten.  
  
It felt cool and smooth in her hands, the light from the lamp glinted off its stone into her eyes which were suddenly smarting. How could so small a thing mean so much . . . ? His hand was upon her cheek.  
  
His eyes told her everything, he need not say a word. She could see herself reflected in them and knew that she always would be. She wanted to look into his eyes forever, and be safe with him, be loved by him. She would no longer ask life for anything else. What else was there?  
  
She leaned into his touch and whispered, "Yes."  
  
*Present*  
  
Five days ago she kissed him and she still doesn't know why. The passion of the moment? The way he stared straight through her act? Because his lips looked so kissable? Because she had been yearning for him three years straight? Because every movement he made that night tripped her head first into that familiar feeling of love?  
  
Oh, and the kiss! What a kiss it had been! The way he pressed her body against his, the way her knees turned to jelly in one second flat, his lips crushed against her own in a fit of passion, his warm fingers digging into the small of her back. She hadn't felt anything like that in a long time . . .too long. She wasn't numb after all.  
  
But the thing she remembered most was the look in his eyes when he pulled away. Pure abhorrence. The hatred there. I can't see you anymore . . .I just can't. But she still loved him!  
  
She wanted to rip out every single bulb she had laid in the ground! Her frustration coursed through her blood making her finger tips tingle with violence. What right did he have to control her life like this? He doesn't! None at all. Yet he did and it had been that way since she was seventeen.  
  
And what of Ryan? What of him? Would she be Rory Foster in a years time? Her mind screamed out yes! of course, why not? But her heart surely told her no, how could she even think that? How could she think that she could ever marry anyone else? Even when he proposed she knew she wouldn't. Even then. Even when "okay" slipped from her lips thick and syrupy she knew she wouldn't. But how could she hurt him so even when he had given her a way out?  
  
Sometimes she imagined what her life would be like right now if she didn't like cinnamon buns. Or if she had only been brave enough to have gone to the police. If she hadn't been such a coward to tell him. How many hours had she agonized over it? How many times had she torn her heart apart dreaming of another life? So much that she wished her imagination away. But what was living, really, without it?  
  
Holden Richard Mariano for a boy. Lorelai Anne Mariano for a girl. Lori for short, or maybe Lily. He or she would have been two years and three months, learning to walk and talk.  
  
Rory clenched her teeth and balled her hands, she was only torturing herself with these stupid notions. She had to let go. She let out a long sigh and let her mind drift to easier things.  
  
She placed a bulb into a small hole freshly dug, a smile crept over her face as she did so.  
  
Who knew she would end up being a garden girl? Certainly not her mother.  
  
She gently placed soil over the hole and patted it when it was completely covered. Only three more to go.  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
Rory, surprised, looked up and squinted her eyes into the sun, "Yes?"  
  
A woman was standing there in jeans and a sweatshirt that read Georgetown.  
  
"Do you know where I might find Rory Gilmore?" The woman on her sidewalk asked.  
  
Rory stood up and wiped her hands across her already dirty shorts, "That's me. Can I help you?"  
  
The woman stepped forward and Rory recognized her. The blonde beauty she had seen Jess with! What did she want?  
  
She stuck out her hand, "My name is Julie Carder. I'm a friend of Jess's."  
  
"Hello." Rory held out her hand which was still smeared with dirt, she smiled softly. "I'm sorry my hands are dirty, I was gardening."  
  
Julie smiled, "That's alright." And she shook Rory's hand anyway.  
  
There was an awkward silence before Rory finally asked, "How do you know Jess?"  
  
"We met on a blind date and became good friends."  
  
Rory nodded, "I remember you. You were with him that night I stopped by."  
  
Julie nodded, "Yes, that was me." She ran a hand through her hair and bit her lip, "Listen I would like to get right to the point. I came here because Jess told me everything that happened between you two."  
  
Rory nodded and said slowly, "He did."  
  
"He told me why you divorced him." Julie watched as pain and grief washed over Rory's face and then quickly disappeared with anger.  
  
"He told you everything?" Rory asked her eyebrows raised.  
  
"I think that he needed someone to talk to. And I came over here to tell you off."  
  
Rory snapped her head up, surprised. Who did this woman think she was?  
  
"But I don't think I should do that because it's not my place and I don't want to anyway." Julie paused for a moment, "Could we sit down?"  
  
Rory was startled for a moment and then said, "Yes, of course." She led Julie to the porch swing.  
  
When they were sitting comfortably next to each other Julie turned to face her, "Don't marry your fiancé."  
  
Rory almost jumped off the swing, "What?!"  
  
"Don't marry him." She simply stated.  
  
Rory narrowed her eyes, "You have no right to-"  
  
But Julie but her off, "Please, don't marry him. You belong with Jess, I can feel it."  
  
Rory didn't say anything. She sat staring out into her yard where she had just planted her tulip bulbs.  
  
"But does he still . . ." She trailed off.  
  
"Does he still love you?" Julie said to her, "That I do not know. I think he does but is trying so hard to let you go that he can't even feel it. I think that maybe you need to speak with him."  
  
Rory turned to her, "He doesn't want to see me. 'Leave me be' were his exact words."  
  
"Jess says a lot of crape that he doesn't mean."  
  
All of a sudden anger made Rory clench her fists, who did this woman think she was anyway? No, Rory knew when Jess meant something and when he didn't. Rory looked at her sharply, "I don't need you to tell me what to do."  
  
Julie did not seem phased at all, "I know that."  
  
"Do you realize how different our lives could be right now if it hadn't been for what I did? I killed our baby! I screwed up our whole marriage! I told him I didn't love him!" Rory yelled at her, "I messed up his whole life!" Rory hid her face in her hands and whispered, "How could he possibly still love me?"  
  
Julie hesitated and then slowly placed her arm around the woman next to her, "Because love can't just end. It's like energy, it can't be destroyed, just transferred to another place within your heart."  
  
Rory stared at her, it was as though she had been searching for those words her entire life.  
  
"He told me everything, from beginning to end. I filled in the blanks." Julie squeezed her shoulder, "He wants to be able to really love you again Rory, but he doesn't know how. Maybe it's time he needs, maybe then he'll be ready to talk. He'll realize he can't find anyone else."  
  
Rory tried in vain to smile, "Sounds like someone I know."  
  
There was a moment of silence before Julie said, "You don't love him do you?"  
  
There was a pause and then Rory said, "No. I can't, I've tried and tried but I just can't."  
  
"Then why marry him?"  
  
She whispered it, "Because it's safe."  
  
Julie nodded and then stood up, "I'm sorry to turn up so abruptly and leave the same way but I really have to go. I was in my way back to school when I stopped here."  
  
Rory smiled, "Georgetown?"  
  
Julie grinned back, "Yes."  
  
Rory stood up with her and surprised Julie by hugging her, "Thank you Julie Carder."  
  
"No problem." Julie said in her ear, when they pulled away she said, "And, please, call me Jules."  
  
Minutes, or was it hours?, later Rory still sat on her porch swing thinking about Jules' unexpected visit. Yes, it could be true that deep down, very deep down, in his heart Jess still loved her. But Rory knew Jess better than anyone in the world. He had pride and he would not come begging.  
  
Don't come near me anymore. I can't see you. Just let me be.  
  
Those were his words. And Jess never takes them lightly.  
  
***  
  
The water slipped across her hands cleaning away the grime and dirt. Slowly she rubbed her hands together, methodically applying the soap and forming the suds.  
  
But she wasn't just washing her hands; no, she was doing so much more. This was three years she was washing away. Every tear, every frustrated scream, every nightmare, every sleepless lonely night, every dry sob, every reverie of him, every desperate longing was washed away from her hands. She would wash her hands of these past three years. She would not let her desolation consume her life, not anymore.  
  
She could not deny her love for him. It was impossible. So she would live with it the best she could. She could live with this love for him knowing that he didn't want her. It was the only thing she could do.  
  
Her engagement ring lay beside the sink, still streaked with dirt, never to be worn again.  
  
****************************************************  
  
The bell rang over head as she walked swiftly through the door. Her heart fluttered in her chest. Fluttered? When was the last time her heart has fluttered? It had been dead for years, now all of a sudden in was fluttering? She smiled to herself, she felt good.  
  
The stool beneath her felt cold and familiar. She hadn't sat here in many coffee cups. For a long time she had been sitting at a table where she would not be so near to him. Where she could keep herself closed from the rest of the world. But she no longer wanted to be closed off. She wanted to sweep the cob webs from the holes in her heart and let it thrive again.  
  
It didn't matter if he said no. It only mattered that she tried.  
  
The diner was completely empty as she waited for him to appear from the kitchen. She could hear him washing dishes, letting out a small curse every now and then as plates slipped from his hands. She could wait. She didn't mind, she had been waiting for years, what's another minute?  
  
His face was the epitome of surprise when he stepped into the diner.  
  
"Lorelai?" He managed, his brows knitted in confusion. Why was she here? She only came with the crowds so as not to be alone with him.  
  
"Could I have a cup of coffee please?" She asked simply. She would not waste her words on meaningless banter tonight, there was no need for it.  
  
"Ugh, yeah. Of course." He turned his back to grab a pot of coffee and Lorelai noticed the streaks of fine gray through his dark hair.  
  
They weren't getting any younger.  
  
Before he had a chance to pour a drop of coffee into her cup, Lorelai laid her hand over his free one. "Luke." She said softly.  
  
He looked up at her, his soft brown eyes swirled with love, frustration and confusion.  
  
"I'm sorry." She whispered.  
  
He placed the coffee pot on the counter and laced his fingers with hers. "It's okay."  
  
It turned out that he had been missing her just as much.  
  
PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!! 


	21. all come down

An: Here it is! The next chapter, thank you to everyone for waiting. And thank you again to everyone that has reviewed, especially to lauramariano who always gives me the best reviews and suggestions. Thanks!  
  
all come down  
  
Rory was stuck on words again. Her mind drew a blank as she stared at the empty screen in front of her. She needed a new topic for this months column, something that would really catch the readers attention. And her boss's, who had again remarked on Rory's lack of enthusiasm in the past few months. But what to write about . . .  
  
A knock sounded on her door causing Rory to snap her head up expectantly, "Come in."  
  
A tiny blonde with black rimmed glasses peeked her head in, "Hey Rory, we're ordering lunch, want anything?"  
  
Rory smiled, "Ham sandwich, coffee, chips and a chocolate ice cream cup please, Alice."  
  
"I figured." Alice grinned and stepped into the office. "Oh and by the way, ass hole Ted wants to see you in his office in five."  
  
"Why?" Rory raised her eyebrows. He wanted to see her again? Oh, this was not good.  
  
Alice shrugged, "Who knows."  
  
"You don't think . . ." Rory trailed off fearing the worst.  
  
"He'll fire you? Hell no!" Alice shook her head. "You've had one mediocre column all the time you have worked here. That's been my life here, believe me you're fine."  
  
A little relief flooded Rory's system but she still remained nervous, "Thanks Alice."  
  
"No problem." She said. "Lunch'll be here in thirty," and she quietly left, shutting the door behind her.  
  
Her heart rate a little higher than normal, Rory stood up to straighten her skirt and smooth out her hair. She walked to her office door and out through the hallway to her boss's office.  
  
Tentatively she knocked on the door. A gruff, "Come in," sounded through the thick wooden door and Rory stepped into the office.  
  
"Ah, Ms. Gilmore, please sit down." Ted Carre said with a welcoming tone. He had a blanched face that emphasized his sunken blue eyes which always had a look of pure determination in them, and his hair was a thin pure white. Rory always thought that he must have been a handsome young man, but had not aged so well.  
  
"Hello Mr. Carre, Alice said you wanted to see me." She said with a hint of nervousness. And then she began to babble, "Listen I know I haven't been up to my usual strength lately and it showed in my last column but I know I'll do better in the next one. I've already started and it's coming along just fine, the words have just flown from my brain into my fingers and onto the computer. No worries, this time the column will be great. So there's really no reason to fire-"  
  
But Mr. Carre interrupted her, "Ms. Gilmore." He said sternly. "I am in no mood for your rambling."  
  
"Right, sir."  
  
"And you should know that I had no intention of letting you go. None at all. You're one of the best writers on my staff and a hell of an editor." He paused there and stared at her hard, "I've only noticed that you haven't seemed as focused lately." She was about to protest when he held up his hand. "I've also noticed that you no longer wear an engagement ring. Yes, I do know the lives of my employees, if not, how could I employ them? So I realize that you've probably been going through a rough time in your life now, am I right?"  
  
"Yes, sir." Rory said drearily looking down at the clasped hands in her lap.  
  
"Well, Ms. Gilmore, I would like you to take that emotion that I can see building up inside of you and put it on paper! No excuses!" He said when he saw the look on her face. "I don't care if it's personal or not! You're an excellent write Ms. Gilmore, but you need a little more emotion in your writing. Spice it up a little, connect with your readers. Politics is all good and well, but sometimes the stuff that comes from the inside is even better." Mr. Carre's look softened and he said more gently, looking straight into her eyes, "I'm not telling you to depict your personal life, just write what's in your heart."  
  
Rory stared at him in desperation. Write what's in her heart? But how?  
  
He seemed to understand what she was thinking because he said, "Do it anyway you can."  
  
Minutes later Rory was again sitting in front of her computer, but her hands remained motionless, her mind still blank. The white screen in front of her was mocking.  
  
Write what's in your heart.  
  
Had it really only been two months ago that she kissed him? Only two months ago that she realized how mush she still cared?  
  
Did she want him to know? Did she want the whole world to know? He didn't want her anymore so why should she even bother?!  
  
Write what's in your heart.  
  
She knew exactly what was there, but that didn't mean she wanted him to know. Didn't mean she wanted to beg him to come back to her.  
  
But oh God how she wanted to. She wanted to beg. She wanted to get down on her hands and knees and beg him to love her again.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Her feet felt very heavy beneath her, dragging them along the sidewalk. What she needed right now was a cup of coffee. Desperately.  
  
She jumped in surprise when she felt an arm hook itself around her neck. She looked up, "Jess!"  
  
His lips covered hers for a moment, "How's it going?"  
  
Suddenly she threw her arms around his neck, "Oh Jess . . ." She hid her head in his shoulder as he brought her into his embrace.  
  
"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked pulling away, trying to get a good look at her face.  
  
But she pushed herself further into his chest, "It's just been a really bad day."  
  
"Chilton?"  
  
"Yeah, and . . ."  
  
"Your mom?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Jess sighed and looked away. "I hate this." He tightened his hold on her and buried his head into her hair.  
  
"Me too."  
  
"Maybe . . ."  
  
The tone of his voice made Rory wrench herself away and stare up at him. "Don't even say it Jess."  
  
"Rory, I hate being the cause of the fight between you and your mom!" His voice was full of pain.  
  
"You don't even like my mom!"  
  
"Yeah, but you do." Jess held her face in his hands. "And I love you."  
  
Rory felt her face pale, she lost the feeling in her legs. They had simply turned to jelly. But she couldn't open her mouth to speak, it was glued shut, and she was lost staring into the deep depths of his eyes. How could she be so lucky to have found him? So lucky that he had chosen her over any other girl.  
  
The kiss he gave her was long and sweet. His voice was husky when he said, "You don't have to say anything now. Just know that I do."  
  
*Present*  
  
Write what's in your heart.  
  
He had been the first one to say the words aloud. The first one to utter those three words. And then five hours later she had come knocking on his door at one in the morning, until he came down clad in his boxers pulling a shirt over his head. And then when he had opened the door with a surprised look, she had thrown herself into his arms and whispered them too.  
  
Now it was her turn to be the first.  
  
Write what's in your heart.  
  
She wished she knew how.  
  
****************************************************  
  
Two weeks later . . .  
  
Emily Gilmore did not like being left in the dark. But guess what? Here she was in the shadows and had been for two months. Well! Not anymore!  
  
"Lorelai! You better tell me what's going on right now!" She clenched the phone tightly in her hand. "I sent that dinner party invitation to Ryan two weeks ago! Two weeks!"  
  
A sigh came through the other end of the phone, "Mom, will you listen for just a second?"  
  
"Did you hear me?! Two weeks! The dinner party is this Friday and I haven't heard back yet!" Emily paused for a moment to catch her breath and began to speak more calmly, "Now I know that's not like Ryan. So I would like to know what in God's name is going on."  
  
"Mom! I get it , okay? Jeez, take it down a notch."  
  
"Lorelai . . ." Emily said warningly.  
  
"Okay, okay." Another sigh came from over the phone. "Rory wanted to keep it on the DL for awhile-"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"DL?"  
  
"The down low mother."  
  
"The down low?"  
  
"Secret?"  
  
"Oh, well proceed then."  
  
"RoryandRyanbrokeitoff." Lorelai said as fast as she could.  
  
"What?" All Emily managed to catch through Lorelai's rambling was Rory and Ryan.  
  
"Okay, well my muffins are burning mom! I gotta go!"  
  
"Lorelai Gilmore don't you dare hang up on me!" Emily nearly shouted.  
  
"But my muffins . . ."  
  
"Oh, don't give me that, you don't cook. Please."  
  
"Sure I do, why just the other day I was making macaroni and cheese, granted it was from the box, and it did get stick to the bottom of the pan, but that's not the point, the point is-"  
  
"Lorelai, stay on task."  
  
"Well, you said I can't cook but I beg to differ."  
  
"You can beg all you want, I want to know about Rory and Ryan damn't!"  
  
"Mother!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You-you just . . . SWORE."  
  
"My vocabulary is just as extensive as yours thanks."  
  
"Ugh, actually you didn't know what DL meant. So . . .no."  
  
"Again Lorelai, back on task."  
  
"Oh fine . . ." Lorelai said in exasperation. "Rory broke off the engagement with Ryan. So no wedding."  
  
Emily gasped, "What? Rory did?"  
  
"Weeeeelll . . .actually it was kinda mutual."  
  
"How mutual?" Emily was still in a state of shock. And maybe a little relief. She really did like Jess better.  
  
"Ryan said 'you have to make a choice' and Rory said 'Okay, I chose no!'" Lorelai said in a mock manly voice and then a sing song voice.  
  
"Rory does not sound like that."  
  
"She could if she wanted to."  
  
It was Emily's turn to sigh heavily. "So she and Jess are together again?"  
  
"Noooo."  
  
"Really?" Said Emily, truly surprised.  
  
"Ugh no, they're not."  
  
"Well, it just seems to me that they're still in love, and I figured that was why Rory broke it off."  
  
"Yeah, they are but they're both to out of it to see anything. I just don't want to push her mom, ya know? She's been through a lot."  
  
"I think that she needs to get over this whole Ryan thing, she's obviously in love with Jess and I like him, so there it is. They need to get back together."  
  
"Yes of course! Since you like him they definitely should!"  
  
"Lorelai, please. I just don't see what the big deal is."  
  
"Mom, listen there's more to the story that you don't know."  
  
"Of course there is."  
  
"Okay, I need to tell you something. I've kinda been putting it off for awhile." Lorelai's voice was dead serious.  
  
Emily stopped to listen. This did not sound good. "What is it?" she asked sounding worried.  
  
"Maybe we should do breakfast."  
  
****************************************************  
  
Jess sat on the familiar stool, his back rid-rod straight. His eyes gleaming and alert, "When did this happen?"  
  
Luke stood behind the counter, trying desperately to fix a toaster. "Damn thing." He struck it again with the screw diver.  
  
"Luke!"  
  
Luke's head snapped up, "What? Oh sorry. Bout two months ago."  
  
"What? And you never told me? Well, thanks."  
  
"I didn't know about it, jeez. Rory didn't want anyone to know for awhile, too upsetting I guess."  
  
"Oh, I'm sure." Jess muttered sarcastically and then asked annoyed, "Why didn't you call me?"  
  
"BECAUSE I didn't find out until today when Lorelai told me."  
  
"Was she crying her eyes out?" Jess said scowling.  
  
Luke pushed the toaster aside, defeated. "Actually, no. She didn't seem too upset about it. I think Lorelai knew that Rory never loved him."  
  
"How do you know that?" Jess squirmed in his seat. He couldn't believe this was happening.  
  
"Because I talk to her often."  
  
Jess fought back a scream of frustration, "No, not that. How do you know that she never loved him?"  
  
Luke looked at him, his eyebrows raised. "Anyone could have seen that."  
  
Jess shrugged, "I didn't."  
  
"That's because you never really saw them together. I saw you and Rory together plenty of times before the divorce." Luke shook his head, "She definitely didn't love him."  
  
Jess's hands were sweating, his eyes felt hot and watery. What did this mean? What did this mean?!  
  
After the long silence Luke finally said, "Why don't you just go to her?"  
  
Jess started when Luke interrupted the silence. He looked up slowly, "I haven't talked to her since . . .Well, since I told her I didn't want to talk to her ever again."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So I have no idea what she's going through her mind right now. I don't know how she feels. I don't even know how I feel! And why would I want to be with her anyway?"  
  
"Well, why wouldn't you?"  
  
"Because she practically ruined my whole life when she told me she didn't love me." Jess paused and sighed. "And how do I know she still doesn't? How do I know I won't cause her the same guilt and sadness?"  
  
Luke shrugged, "Life is about taking chances."  
  
Jess shook his head sadly, "I don't want to go through that again. I've never been that depressed and lonely in my life. I can't do that again just when my life is starting to make sense once more."  
  
"You once said that life couldn't make sense without Rory."  
  
"That was a long time ago." Jess thought back to when he was young and naïve.  
  
"It's worth a try."  
  
Jess didn't answer because he didn't know how.  
  
****************************************************  
  
Emily Gilmore sat in her living room with a glass of sherry in her hand. She felt very stiff, still in shock from this afternoon's lunch. She was sitting in her very lady like position on the sofa, one hand placed in her lap, the other around her sherry.  
  
Her own granddaughter had been raped.  
  
Raped.  
  
She tried to wrap her mind around this word but it wouldn't stick. On the news the other night a girl had been raped and murdered. This book she had read two years ago, what was it called? "Lucky". The author/main character had been raped. There was this T.V show she used to watch, one of the characters had been raped. It's not as though she had never heard the word before. It's not as though she didn't know what it meant.  
  
It's just that before it hadn't been real.  
  
Her granddaughter, Rory Mariano, had been raped. It was funny how she still thought of her as Jess' wife. Perhaps it was because of all those invitation she used to make, neatly writing out the words Mr. and Mrs. Mariano, trying earnestly to reunite mother and daughter. Perhaps it was because she had been away for so many years, the divorce had never really hit her.  
  
Her granddaughter had been . . .raped?  
  
She felt her back collapse beneath her. The glass of sherry fell to the floor staining the carpet a deep red. Her hands flew to her face as she wept soft tears. And she wished desperately for her husband.  
  
***  
  
Later on in the evening Emily had managed to control herself. She was standing in front of an oil painting letting her gaze slide over his already well memorized face.  
  
"Oh Richard," she whispered softly, "you would have known what to do."  
  
She could picture his reaction perfectly. First would come his rough indignation, he would throw a glass of scotch across the room in a terrible rage demanding repercussions. He would stomp around the house calling up lawyers and detectives he knew, screaming over the phone in all his passion. And then, finally beaten, he would slump down, letting the tears come and slide across his face murmuring words about how he had failed as a grandfather.  
  
She had felt the same way when Lorelai told her at her house. At the last minute Lorelai had changed plans from going out to breakfast to meeting at her house to make it. Emily of course had been annoyed at the hasty change in plans. But now she understood. Lorelai hadn't wanted everyone to see her break down like that, screaming in rage for the pain that had been inflicted on her only daughter.  
  
Emily was so glad they had made up.  
  
And that article . . .one more reunion needed-HAD to be made. Lorelai had brought it out after the first story to show Emily. With that her suspicions were confirmed. Someone needed to smack those two across the head and give them a good scolding.  
  
Turning away from the picture she wondered again what to do. And again she thought 'Richard would have known'. But Richard was not here, and never could be again. Sometimes she missed him so much her whole body ached.  
  
And then suddenly she realized exactly what she must do. How could she have not seen this before? The answer was so obvious! It made complete sense.  
  
Full of mixed emotions at what she was about to do Emily forgot to smooth her skirt and reapply her make up. She instead quickly grabbed her hand bag and raced out the door.  
  
Emily Gilmore was on a mission.  
  
AN: Hope you liked it! Review please!  
  
I was just wondering if anyone knows what is going on with Milo Ventimiglia's new show. I heard it was cancelled and I am very upset, but I'm still hoping that this rumor is untrue. So if anyone has any information at all please let me know! Thanks.  
  
I am so mad that they changed my pen name, I was doing just find with Kay, and they had to change it to Kay9. Ugh, that pisses me off so much. Sorry, I'm just venting now. Review!  
  
~Kay (not Kay9) 


	22. how's it you

AN: Thanks once again to the awesome reviews I have received and for letting me know what's going on with Milo Ventimiglia. Enjoy!  
~Kay  
  
how's it you  
  
"Did you see Mr. Mariano being bitched today by some old lady?" Katie said as she and Sara walked to the library together.  
  
"No, but I heard all about it." Katie said in an interested voice, "What did she say?"  
  
Katie shrugged and took a seat in a chair in the library, "Beats me. So how did you know to find this article anyway?" She asked Sara from across the library table.  
  
"Well, one time Mr. Mariano gave me this list of books from an article." Sara paused. "In fact, they were all really good. You really should try reading-"  
  
Katie cut her off, "I know, I know. Just get on with it."  
  
"Okay," Sara began, "Well, I noticed that the writer had his last name so I've been keeping tabs on the monthly article." She grinned, "And then this came out!" She held a piece of magazine and waved it in her friends face.  
  
"Let me see!" Katie said and reached out to grab it. But Sara moved it away before she could.  
  
"Hold your horses."  
  
"I have none." And then Katie scowled. "What is this about?! You've been going on about it all day, but you still haven't told me!"  
  
"It's coming!" Sara exclaimed, "ANYWAY, this woman who writes the article has his last name! Her name is Rory G. Mariano. So I looked up her name on the web, turns out they're married!"  
  
Katie's eyes bugged out, "What?! No shit?"  
  
"No shit!" Sara said excitedly.  
  
Katie was astounded, "But he's definitely not married! My grandma's always on his back about being the town bachelor. And a hottie I might add."  
  
"Well, after you hear this article I think you'll understand."  
  
"Read it to me already!"  
  
"Okay, I am!"  
  
Sara began to read the article and Katie's eyes popped out of their sockets. When she was finished Katie sat staring at her open mouthed.  
  
"Do you think it's all true?"  
  
Sara shrugged, "She published it didn't she? She must want Mr. Mariano to read it!"  
  
Katie giggled, "This is just like soap opera!"  
  
"I know! It's so sweet that she did that too!"  
  
"Do you think he's seen it?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe we should give it to him or something." Sara suggested.  
  
Katie jumped up and grabbed Sara's hand, "Come on! Let's go."  
  
The two girls ran all the way to his room.  
  
****************************************************  
  
What are you doing with your life? I'll tell you what you're doing Jess Mariano! You're screwing it up!  
  
Her harsh words pounded into his ears like rhythmic beating drums.  
  
How can you just throw that all away!  
  
Every time he had moved to speak she interrupted him. I don't want any of your excuses! She had yelled at him.  
  
All of this had happened at school. At the school he taught at. In the halls. She had yelled so loud that students and teachers began to peek their heads out of classrooms with puzzled faces which turned into wide eyed expressions as they watched Mr. Mariano be yelled at by an eighty year old woman.  
  
How she knew where he worked or how to get there was beyond him. All that mattered right now were her words. The words that he could not get out of his head, even though it was the end of the day when all of the students were gone. That was the problem though, it was the silence that kept her voice screaming in his head.  
  
You better not leave her all alone!  
  
She needs you!  
  
I had a harsh awakening today Jess Mariano. This world isn't perfect, but when there's love in it you come very close to having a perfect life.  
  
You're nearly there, don't give up now.  
  
He stood up abruptly from his chair, wiping the sweat from his forehead. He glanced at the watch on his wrist and quickly began to gather his brief case and coat. All he wanted was to get home and . . .think. He was locking his door in a hurried fashion when he heard running footsteps from the hallway.  
  
Katie Hanover and Sara Watson were racing down the hallway towards him with great big silly grins on their faces.  
  
"Mr. Mariano!" Sara screamed running faster down the hallway. 'Wait!"  
  
"Mr. Mariano!" Katie called out skidding to a stop in front of him. The two girls hung on to each other for support breathlessly. "There's . . . something we have . . .to show you."  
  
"We . . . ran all the way . . . from. . ." Sara began.  
  
"The library!" Katie finished for her.  
  
When Sara had held out her hand with a piece of paper in it Jess was flabbergasted to say the least, but he took it from her.  
  
He stared at it and then looked back up at them, his glance wavered to the door behind them. "Listen girls, I'm in a real hurry . . ."  
  
"Just read it." Sara said firmly, her face still flushed. It was a long way from the library after all.  
  
His eyes scanned the page quickly drinking in every last word. At the bottom of the page was a very familiar name. There was a buzzing sound in his ear, and his heart was creating a racket in his chest. He lifted his head slowly to see the girls staring at him expectantly, "How did you know?" His hand was trembling.  
  
Sara smiled triumphantly, "So it is you."  
  
"Who is she?" Katie couldn't help but asking.  
  
For a moment he couldn't answer, the words were becoming hard to form. Images flashed across his mind and one stood out in particular, it was the day of their honeymoon . . .  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"Well, hello to you Mrs. Mariano."  
  
She smiled, "Hello, my spouse."  
  
He laughed, "Spouse?"  
  
She shrugged, "Husband then."  
  
"Wife." He pulled her to him and nuzzled her neck.  
  
"I'm glad I married you today."  
  
"I'm glad you said yes."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you. I always will."  
  
*Present*  
  
There was this scratchiness beginning to form in the back of his throat that refused to go away. He finally managed to say, "My wife." He slipped the article into his pocket not noticing their very surprised but excited faces. "I've . . .I gotta go." And with that he broke into a jog, running to the door.  
  
As he swung through the doors he heard two voice shout out, "Good LUCK!!!"  
  
He set his feet towards his car, and his heart towards love.  
  
****************************************************  
  
Rory was sitting in her living room when she heard the phone ring.  
  
Of course she had been waiting for this. For the past two weeks she had been waiting. Two long weeks of pure anxiety. Every phone call made her jump in anticipation, every knock sent her running to the door. But she was disappointed each time she picked up the phone or answered the door. It was never him.  
  
When Rory heard the phone ring this time Jess didn't even pop into her mind. In fact, the world Rory was in right now the name Jess Mariano didn't mean a thing. He didn't even exist. So when the phone rang Rory's hands remained tightly on the pages of the books, grasping ever harder as she realized it's tragic ending.  
  
"No!" She clamped a hand to her mouth and hurriedly flipped to the next page as the phone rang again. "Oh, nooo." She moaned. Alice Hoffman always did this to her! She always managed to grab her and pull Rory head first into a book until she felt as though she were best friends with each and every character. And right now this book was tearing her apart.  
  
The phone had grown tired of ringing, it has been for the past five minutes. But the caller had stopped calling, had most likely guessed that Rory was reading- lost in her own world.  
  
Thirty minutes later Rory has a sudden urge to throw this terrible book across the room. Ugh! It was of course amazing, but why did it have to end like that?! Instead of sending it careening across the room, Rory hugged it tightly to her chest and sighed. She could not wait to read Alice Hoffman's next book.  
  
Ten minutes later Rory is stretched out across her sofa still thinking about "Second Nature" when the phone rang again. With Robin and Stephen sill on her mind, her hand automatically reached out to the side table and picked up the phone.  
  
"Hello?" She said, her eyes glanced to the book, she really wanted to reread the last chapter.  
  
"Hey babe."  
  
Rory smiled, "Hey mom." And that one part right before he had to leave, that was simply heart wrenching.  
  
"Listen, I need to speak with you. Meet me at the bridge at ten?"  
  
Rory sat up quickly, "What is it? Is something wrong?"  
  
"What? Oh, no nothing's wrong. I just need to talk with you in person."  
  
"Well, okay, but . . ." Rory trailed off and narrowed her eyebrows. "Mom, you want to meet at the bridge? And at ten?" And then Rory's face paled, and her eyes widened. She choked on her next words, "Mom . . .?"  
  
"Just be there okay?" Lorelai held her breath as she waited for her daughter to answer.  
  
"Yeah, okay." Rory managed. She slowly hung up the phone and checked her watch. She had ten minutes to get to Stars Hollow.  
  
One minute later she was on the road.  
  
****************************************************  
  
"It's about time." He said.  
  
She laid her head down on his shoulder, "It is. I just wish I could have seen it sooner."  
  
His lips skimmed her forehead and he said, "It doesn't matter now."  
  
"She sounded so scared on the phone."  
  
"She'll be fine."  
  
Lorelai stared up at the clouds above her, it was a cloudy night and very bitter. She pulled the blanket around her tighter. "I hope so," she said.  
  
She hoped that her daughter's fortune turns out as lucky as her own. Lorelai had finally found Luke once again and she has never been happier. How she had gone so many year living without him was a mystery to her; right now she can't begin to imagine her life alone although it was just last week that she had slept by herself in a large bed.  
  
"They need each other, I can see it every time Jess comes here." Luke sighed. "And he's been coming here more often lately, I think he's lonely. He needs her."  
  
"These last three years have been a waste."  
  
"So have the last ten."  
  
Lorelai smiled and said, "I think it's going to snow tonight."  
  
AN: Hey, I know this chapter is extremely short but I promise that the next one will be updated very quickly, I just have to finish writing it. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review!!!!!!  
  
~Kay 


	23. light me up

I had this chapter posted as soon as I was done with it which was longer than I expected, I've kinda had writers block lately. Thank you all again and again and again for your reviews! I am so overwhelmed and excited when I got to read my reviews, I really like knowing what everyone thinks so that way I can try to improve. So after you read this chapter you can review again! Thanks again!!!!!  
  
~Kay  
  
light me up  
  
For some reason tonight Lane Kim Cummings was free of worries. Her mother was coming over for dinner tomorrow night, Kimmy failed her last math test, James had a sprained wrist, her ankles were already ballooning, and her best friend had just called her to inform her that she was on her way to see her ex husband whom she still loved.  
  
Lane furrowed her eyebrows and thought that she should certainly be worried right now. What if Kimmy fails math all together? What if Rory gets hurt again? What if her mother finds hair in her steak? What if Jess rejects her? What if she can never walk again due to her oversized ankles? What if Rory never moves on?  
  
But instead of thinking of this, Lane has a contented feeling that everything is right in the world. Her children were outside with a father whom they adore, and she felt the one inside of her growing more everyday. She wanted to stay in this moment for eternity when her children were still innocent and young, when her heart is so happy that it might burst, when she knew her best friend of thirty years might be just as lucky as she is.  
  
Lane hoped for this more than anything.  
  
As she cleared the table from dinner she thought of her childhood with Rory. Leaving secret messages for each other under a table at Luke's, whispering secret dreams for their future in a field of flowers and longing, holding hands on the first day in nervousness and support, and finding a friend that can look into your eyes and know your soul without even trying.  
  
She is still thinking of years ago when Melanie ran into the kitchen shrieking, "Mom! Mom! Mom!"  
  
Lane looked up surprised at her broken reverie, and somewhat annoyed. "What is it?"  
  
"Mommy! You have to come see!" Melanie grabbed her mother's hand and pulled her to the door.  
  
"Mel, I am in the middle of washing the dishes." Lane said in exasperated voice wiping her hands on a dish rag.  
  
"Mommy!" Melanie yelled stamping her foot, "You have to come right now!"  
  
Lane raised her eyebrows, "Okay, okay."  
  
Melanie grinned and took her mother's hand once again. She pulled her hard to the door while Lane was in the middle of pulling off her apron. Melanie opened the front door and a cold chill washed over them. And Lane gasped.  
  
"Snow!" Melanie yelled and ran outside to join her siblings who were dancing through tiny snowflakes.  
  
Lane held her hand out to let the flakes slowly collect in her palm and she smiled widely. The first snow had come finally come.  
  
The snow flakes melted in her hand as it was covered by Mathew's and he pulled her close.  
  
****************************************************  
  
She heard the sound before she saw it. The sharp spray of water as rocks skipped over its ripples.  
  
She took a step onto the bridge, "I see you haven't lost your touch." The cold December air bit her ears. She brought her arms tighter around her torso, she could feel her heart beating through the thickness of her jacket. She wondered when it would finally snow.  
  
He looked up at her, "Yeah, surprising since I haven't had much practice." He skillfully threw another across the water. They both watched as it skipped four times and then disappeared into the water.  
  
She walked to him until she was a few feet away, but she simply could not bring herself to look at him. She watched as another rock flew across the water, creating shimmering ripples.  
  
"It's funny. I haven't been here in over three years, but in the past few months I've been here twice already." He said, and his voice sounded thick in the darkness, it reverberated across the air and into her head. Another rock skipped across the water.  
  
"You called my mom." She said abruptly.  
  
"Yeah, I did." He couldn't bring himself to look at her either. It seemed as though he were dreaming. He couldn't possibly be here with her under the moon and the stars and a sky that looked like snow.  
  
"Why?" Her hands were ice cold, she stuffed them into her pockets searching for warmth.  
  
"I needed you here, but I ripped up your number ages ago."  
  
"Oh," and Rory felt stung. He had ripped up her number because he wanted nothing to do with her. Than why had he come?  
  
"What book were you reading?"  
  
"What?" She asked surprised.  
  
"I called about ten times and you never answered."  
  
It hit her then how very well Jess knew her and how Ryan never really knew her at all. She was so surprised by this thought that it took her a moment to answer and when she finally did all she could say was, "Second Nature."  
  
"Alice Hoffman?"  
  
"Yeah, it made me cry."  
  
Jess finally looked sharply at her then, and found that she was very real next to him. That he could feel her warmth radiating off her body and that if he reached out he could touch her cheek and find it very cold. "I'm sorry."  
  
And than Rory turned her head to him and saw that he was looking straight at her and she felt much warmer. She could finally see herself reflected in his eyes as she hadn't in so many years and she wondered if she could stay there inside his warmth. By that time they had both forgotten that they were speaking about a book. They were both thinking of three years wasted alone, and three years of reaching across the bed to find it empty, and three years of searching for happiness to only find loneliness.  
  
"I read something very interesting today." He said and dropped his handful of rocks into the water with a large splash.  
  
The water was all silver when she looked away from him again and she remembered being here months ago when it looked like velvet in the darkness. She wondered if the tears forming in her eyes would look silver or velvet if they fell upon her cheek. But she held them back although her heart was beating so fast that she was worried, and her knees felt so weak that she thought of sitting down.  
  
She finally nodded, but she didn't know what to say. What should she say? It felt as thought her lips were glued shut. She had been waiting for this moment for two weeks now, yet she couldn't think of a single thing to say.  
  
He pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his jacket pocket. It was the article. "May I read it?"  
  
Rory's eyes widened slightly, her chapped lips opened slightly to let out a croaked, "yes."  
  
Jess slowly and steadily began to read what was written in the article. "Dear readers, this month I will not be doing my usual column on politics, lessons of life or the rest of the world. Instead, I would like to speak to you personally, from my heart and from my soul; hoping it will reach someone who desperately needs to hear it.  
  
I have accomplished victory. I have relished satisfaction. I  
have savored joy. I have felt sadness. I have recognized  
jealousy. I have known guilt. I have experienced pain. And  
from all these things I have learned to love. If I went through  
life without knowing pain, anguish, guilt or sorrow I would not  
know how to love today as I do today. I went through everyone  
of these experiences with someone very dear to my heart, someone  
I lost a long time ago. Since our separation, more then  
anything I have felt pain. More then anything I have felt  
guilt. Since then, I have not felt enough happiness. I have  
not known joy. And since then I have come to love that someone  
even more then before. My heart bursts with my love for him.  
Until today, not one person knew of this; now I would like to  
tell the whole world. . .  
  
Jess paused and finally finished with, "I want you to know one thing: you taught me how to love." When he finally looked up at her, his eyes were bright and he said, "It made me cry."  
  
"Jess," Rory said so softly that she barely even heard herself. Her hands were shaking badly after finally hearing him speak her own words that she had written weeks ago. "I don't want to hurt you again. And. . .and I'm so afraid that I will. I love you more than I did three years ago."  
  
The silence was so still that it hurt her entire body, all she wanted was for him to say something- anything.  
  
And he finally did, "Did you mean it?" He held up the crinkled piece of paper and stared at it as though it weren't even real.  
  
She nodded and said, "Yes."  
  
"A part of me hated you these past three years." Jess said and he looked away from her across the pond. "You don't know what it was like having no answers, thinking that one day you loved me and the next day you didn't. Thinking for so long that I did something wrong."  
  
"I know." Rory said and she wanted to cry. The words he spoke stabbed her heart in every different place. But she didn't want it to stop because it had been so long since she had felt anything but loneliness.  
  
Jess gave a small, ironic laugh, "It was funny though, as hard as I tried . . .I could never stop loving you."  
  
And she did cry then. She put her hands to her face and felt her heart swelling in her chest. "I've been so hallow." She said through her tears. "I've been so empty."  
  
"I never loved anyone until I met you." He said and calmly folded up the piece of paper he still held in his hands, he said "Thank you for this." And then placed it in his pocket.  
  
As Rory cried she wondered how he could be so calm. He still loved her but did he want to be with her? This thought made her want to curl up and die.  
  
"We're different people now." He said quietly still not looking at her, but avoiding eye contact to stare at the night sky covered in clouds and the moon that still managed to shine through.  
  
"I know that." Rory said wiping the tears away from her face and staring straight into his eyes that were still staring away from her. She tipped her chin defiantly but some tears still fell and she wondered again if they were like silver.  
  
"It's been three years and I'm not the same."  
  
"Neither am I."  
  
"It wouldn't be easy you know."  
  
"I know."  
  
"It would be slow."  
  
"I know this." Rory said with a hint of urgency in her voice.  
  
And when he finally looked at her she saw that his eyes were velvet dusk and reflected the moon and the heavens above and she never wanted to stop looking into his eyes for it was there she knew that she would find real happiness. "I've been so hallow." He said using her own words. "I haven't been living."  
  
At that moment Rory would have thrown herself into his arms and declared her love for him a thousand times and begged pardon a million more for the hurt she had caused him, but she didn't because something wet fell onto her nose.  
  
She did not want to move her eyes from his but the pull of magic raised her head to the sky where she saw millions of white flakes falling down on her. Jess raised his head to find the same thing she did and wondered where he heard that snow brought enchantment.  
  
Rory let out a laugh that hadn't sprung from her mouth in years, it was a childlike laugh that inspired hope and longing and rapture "The first snow." She whispered and remembered nights as a child at the first of snow when her mothered whispered in her ear that snow was that of mystic and magic.  
  
After a moment of marveling and wondering they looked back into each other's eyes to find them caught with snow flakes and every thing seemed much simpler.  
  
Rory took a step towards him, her eyes were still connected with his as she recalled falling into his arms as though it were the easiest thing in the world. She remembered the way he smelled and how his voice sounded so close in her ear and how it tickled the hairs on her neck. And finally, as though coming to a conclusion, she threw her arms around his waist and held him tightly. She buried her head into his shoulder doing what she had wanted to do for the past three years.  
  
And slowly, Jess raised his arms to bring her closer into his embrace.  
  
That's all folks!!!!!!! Well, I do have an epilogue (who doesn't?), but that's the end of all the drama and confrontation and soap operaness. I really hope everyone liked the ending and the next chapter will finally be it. Please let me know what you thought in your reviews because I know everyone is going to, right??!  
  
REIVEW SI VOUS PLAIT  
  
~Kay 


	24. Pretty Baby

AN: Wow, I really cannot believe that this is the very last chapter, it's kinda sad. I started Pretty Baby a year ago now, it's going to be so weird that's it ending. It seems like I've been writing it forever. I can't thank everyone enough for their reviews throughout these past months, they have been so wonderful. I know that I've grown so much as a writer while working on this story, and everyone that reviewed helped me out so much along the way. So thank you ten times over.  
  
I'd just like to acknowledge and thank certain people whose reviews I really enjoyed and loved to read: laura mariano, lily moon, JessNRory2003, kimlockt, imonadiet, katem-23, tigress33, iminlovewithaboynamedJESS, Gabi, Angel Monroe, aimee, Lisa, Luxy, AvidTVfan, Chevie Jane, Misty, Juliana8, Black Ice, swim6516, stargazer, Mrs. Mariano, blackrose62, Luna, Markie, Stephie M, A. Michelle, EvilEmmy, Manda, smilegodluvsu, Arianna55, Luke Rules, Genevah, loisclark335, girldevil, Lucia, Richa, Kat, and Annabel.  
  
Whew! That took awhile! Thank you to all of you, and I apologize if I missed others. I really appreciate the people who have been reviewing from the beginning, it's great to know that you stuck with it.  
  
Oh, and you may all have noticed that I have once AGAIN changed my name. I am sorry for any confusion but KayEmm was just pissing me off, so I figured I'd stick to the closest thing which is Kay9. And I promise that it's going to stay that way!  
  
So. . .I'll stop talking now, and here is the very last chapter of Pretty Baby . . . .  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
Pretty Baby  
  
.  
  
.  
Two years later . . .  
  
.  
  
.  
Jess watches as another tulip springs up from the ground and its petals bloom.  
  
He turns to her and asks, "How do they do that?"  
  
She shrugs and leans over a purple tulip, "They come every year." She cups the flower in her hands.  
  
.  
  
(you light me up and then I fall for you  
you lay me down and then I call for you  
stumbling on reasons that are far and few  
I'd let it all come down and then some for you)  
  
.  
Jess looks around the field of tulips, he has never seen so many before. The sun shins warm upon his face and the wind blows softly through his hair. He looks down at her, "Did you do all this?"  
  
She stands straight, "Yeah."  
  
"I never knew there were purple tulips." He squints against the sun.  
  
"There aren't."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Only here." Rory opens her arms wide and welcomes the sun.  
  
.  
(pretty baby don't you leave me  
I have been saving smiles for you  
pretty baby why can't you see  
you're the one that I belong to)  
  
. Jess feels a raindrop fall on his nose.  
  
"Looks like rain." She simply states.  
  
He sees across the horizon a black thunder cloud heading their way, "I don't want it to rain."  
  
She turns to him, "But they need rain to grow."  
  
"I still don't like it."  
  
"Everything needs rain to grow." The rain pours down on them, plastering their hair to their faces.  
  
"I'm cold." He says. .  
  
(I'll be the embrace that keeps you warm  
for you're the sun that breaks the storm  
I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound  
as long as you keep comin' around, oh pretty baby)  
  
.  
Jess shivers as he rolls over in bed. The blankets are tangled in his legs and feet.  
  
He reaches out to the other side only to find emptiness.  
  
His eyes spring open. The moonlight shines on the bed, causing the white sheets to look silver in the dark. He stares at the empty side of the bed, he reaches his hand across it. It is smooth, and cold.  
  
He sits up in bed and looks around, he rubs his hand over his brow, trying to push the exhaustion away. He forces himself out of bed and carefully pads out of the room. Rubbing his hands over his bare arms, he tries to find some kind of warmth. .  
  
(and I know things can't last forever  
but there are lessons that you'll never learn  
oh just the scent of you it makes me hurt  
so how's it you that makes me better)  
  
. He knows where to go. The guest room. But in one month it wouldn't be.  
  
He is in the doorway when he sees her.  
  
Her silhouette stands before the window, beautiful and alive. Her blue silk robe reflects the moonlight and shines all around her.  
  
Angel is the first thing to come to Jess's mind.  
  
.  
(pretty baby don't you leave me  
I have been saving smiles for you  
pretty baby why can't you see  
you're the one that I belong to)  
  
.  
Feeling his presence she turns to him and smiles.  
  
Jess walks up behind her and kisses her bare neck, he pushes her hair back and kisses the spot right behind her ear. She leans into him, breathing in his sent.  
  
He puts his arms around her, stroking her swollen belly. She places her own hands over his. .  
  
(why can't you hold me and never let go  
when you touch me it is me that you own  
pretty baby oh the place that you hold in my heart  
would you break it apart again... oh pretty baby)  
  
.  
"I was cold without you." He whispers into her ear.  
  
"Better now?" She asks.  
  
"Yes. Much."  
  
"I've decided that we should paint this room baby blue."  
  
"What if it's a girl?"  
  
"Baby blue will do."  
  
"Okay, baby blue then."  
  
Rory turns around and lays her hands against his bare chest, she stares into his eyes that she would recognize and love after an age of the earth. They kiss softly with a passion made of millions caresses and tenderness. They both turn their eyes to window made of night sky and stars.  
  
.  
(pretty baby don't you leave me  
I have been saving smiles for you  
pretty baby why can't you see  
you're the one that I belong to)  
  
.  
One thinks about three years of torment and wondering and hate and love and finally understanding. He lives for the now and the future. He lives for her scent in the morning on a pillow, stumbling over her shoes, finding leftover coffee cups in the sink painted with lip stick, Thai food on Fridays and the feeling of love in every corner of the house. He lives for her and their future.  
  
The other thinks about the child growing inside of her and nights of ceaseless imagination and restless sleep and redemption. In her bedside drawer is a name book and a Pottery Barn kids magazine and an Emily Dickinson poetry book worn at the edges. She has already begun planning where to lay the tulip bulbs in the fall and what fairy tales to sing and what color to paint every room of the house. She thinks about the nights she lay dreaming in the crook of his shoulder and waking up to find his face so close to hers that she knows his soul. Her favorite part of the day is the morning and the possibilities that lay ahead in her open road.  
  
.  
(I'll be the embrace that keeps you warm  
for you're the sun that breaks the storm  
I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound  
as long as you keep comin' around, oh pretty baby)  
  
.  
They stare out the window into the night where they know happiness lies if only you have the heart to find it.  
  
.  
  
Finis!! I am just going to say this ONE last time. . . . . .REVIEW!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!  
  
And I wanted to let anyone who would like to know that I am updating a new story around October called Desperado(don't worry, it's not as depressing as the title makes it). Of course it's a Lit and I hope that you will look for it.  
  
Thanks again for your faith in Pretty Baby and all the incredible reviews!!!!  
  
~Kay 


End file.
